Accidentals

One time as we laid there spent,

He actually said what he meant

He whispered “I love you”

I said “me too”

He never said it again,

Things were never the same,

And that was the end of us.

(a year and a half later he has the nerve to say, “remember when I said I loved you?”, I said “yes but you didn’t tell me on purpose then you acted like you didn’t say it” he says “yes, but I meant it”  . . . ::black stare:: WTF?!  LoL, I dislike him for that…)

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Bag Lady Blues

I know this isnt the Bag Lady pic, but I like this one better!

I know this isn't the Bag Lady pic, but I like this one better!

If we’re currently dating, stop reading this post RIGHT NOW! (please and thanks)

(bear with me… I wrote this kinda of “stream of consciousness” style… then I went back and edited slightly, but it’s still kinda all over the place, I wanted to keep it sincere.)
This post idea came from a guy friend of mine.

“that should be the next blog topic bag lady blues and the horror of holding on”

-my friend

We weren’t really talking about me, but people in general. How can you really help but carry your experiences with you when you move on? I think it all depends on the WAY you carry them and HOW you let them effect your moves in your next relationship. You all know I’ve been on some crazy trips traveling on this love train, but I obviously haven’t given up my faith in dating/love completely. But of course the things I’ve been through affect the way I deal with new situations. I wouldn’t necessarily call it baggage though.

Every now and then I do feel the skeptic in my trying to rear it’s head. I can’t help it. I try to give each man a clean slate, but my past experiences help me to gauge whether or not it’s worthwhile. I want a healthy relationship, love and all that jazz but I’m no longer trying to rush it. I do, however, hear my internal clock ticking each time one of my friends tells me they’re pregnant or getting married. And maybe even a tinge of jealousy (lol, I can’t admit it!). I’m not willing to be as careless with my heart as I once was though, so I’m not jumping into anything just for the sake of catching up.

With every man that I stop seeing, I find myself wondering what I saw in him in the first place. I’ve yet to experience a healthy relationship, and I’m 25. I’ve had two actual boyfriends in my adulthood (before college doesn’t count anymore) and several guys that I’ve “dated” forever. I call myself a serial dater because I always find myself in these long-term non-relationships that last for years with no commitment. I guess I don’t really know how to seal the deal. But the two times it has been official, they ended right at the 6 month mark… #FMDL! [<– f*ck my dating life] I think I may be not so secretly salty about that. I don’t quite feel like a fully developed adult. The other day I was discussing this with CocktailJay and telling her all the things I do at my own expense to make someone else happy and she told me I don’t need a man, I need a child! WTHeck?! Doesn’t she know I’m afraid of babies??

I just need a grown man who knows how to share the load 50/50 and we’ll be fine. I’m willing to compromise some things so that we can BOTH be happy. I’m just no longer willing to be the one carrying the load all of the time, which I think is usually my downfall in men. I don’t think I’ve ever really known how to just “let a man be a man”… I want to be both! I want to nurture and take care of things. I’ve never really given anyone the opportunity to take care of me, be there for me. I’m not even sure anyone has been willing, but I haven’t given myself a chance to find out… Maybe it’s some deep seeded issue with my parents, LoL who knows? I’m no psychiatrist.

My friend Samantha pointed out to that I may have an issue with “middle ground”. LoL I want to go all in or nothing at all… I might need to do some further introspection on this idea. She’s pretty insightful, so maybe she’s seen this in me. I’m either REALLY into a guy, or not interested at all. I haven’t really just let myself go with the flow. It’s a control thing. I’m working on it, I’ve been in so many ambiguous relationships that the lines have gotten sooo blurry. . . (eeek! writing this may have negated my earlier statment that I don’t have bag lady issues! I’m human, sue me!)

CocktailJay, who I treat like my therapist because she’s always helping me rationalize the craziness, challenged me to approach my new situations by doing the OPPOSITE of everything I feel to do instinctively. Eek! It’s hard fighting against what myself wants to do. But I’m finding myself a lil more carefree in dating life. I’m not feeling attached to anyone and I’m giving each experience a chance to prove itself worth it before I invest anything (emotional or physical) into it. Not to say that I’m succeeding 100% in this new theory, but I’m TRYING.

All of that is well and good, I say I’m not rushing it now. . . but I WILL freak out if I’m not in at least a serious relationship by the time I find my first gray hair (and I pray I find it on my head and not somewhere south or else my heart will surely break!). I don’t want to settle so you guys keep your eyes open for a promising gentleman for me who doesn’t mind being slightly patient! LoL, I’m open to suggestions, but I need references. 😛

(if we’re dating and you read this anyway. . . now you can consider yourself warned! LoL)

(if we’ve dated in the past, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!! LMAO j/k)

When You Go Looking, Trouble Will Find You

It’s been a a few posts since I shared one of my dating disasters with you all! I haven’t run out of stories, they’re just getting harder to tell. Some situations I’ve been in are weird for me to share because they’re so personal. But I love the support and every time I tell you all something there’s always at least one person who comments that they can relate or they’ve been there before. I love it. It makes me feel like okay I’m not the only one around here who’s fallen for the “okie doke” ! LoL So here goes. . .

When I was in my last real relationship I knew he was cheating on me. I couldn’t prove it, but I felt it. People (women included, but mostly men) don’t seem to realize that they are creatures of habit. When your patterns start to change because you’re making space in your life and daily activities for someone else it’s noticeable! I’m very observant and attentive. So I always know when something is different. I usually wouldn’t confront him, or ask him directly if he was creeping because it always lead to fights that I didn’t want to engage in, and I had no proof right? But just to let him know I wasn’t stupid, I would always make statements letting him know I knew he was lying and that where he said he was going or what he said he was doing wasn’t really believable. That’s stupid on my part. I should’ve just left him. I don’t really know why I didn’t. Maybe it was the “security” he used to promise me. Anyway, that’s not even what this story is about. Maybe I’ll analyze why I’ve stayed in situations that I knew were no good for me in another post.

He worked for the army. He is in the army. Around my birthday he was getting ready to go away on an extended trip for work. He’d be gone for three weeks. Both of us knew our relationship was already on shaky ground and weren’t sure if it could survive being apart for that long. We promised to both try and I planned on keeping my promise. He was still around for my birthday, but said he was so busy with work and preparing for his trip that he wasn’t going to make it to dinner. So I called up my bestie and “Friend” (remember “Friend”? No, well click here) and the three of us went to dinner together and had a great time. I was disappointed but I tried not to stress it, since we were trying to take it easy. He did make it out to my other birthday shenanigans during the week so that made up for it. Even the night before his trip, when he had to get up super early for his flight he still surprised me by showing up at my party. I felt super loved! Maybe we would make it after all, he was showing effort.

He called me to let me know he’d gotten there safely, we spoke briefly because he said he had workshops all day. Fine that’s what he was there for, plus he promised he’d call me later. After a week of not being able to talk to him on the phone, and sporadic texts here and there, mostly when he wanted me to go past his house and check for some mail, etc I started getting frustrated. What was going on with him?? Why couldn’t he call even before he was going to bed at night?? When he did pick up his phone he would rush me off. This was unusual coming from a man who would normally call me several times a day for no reason at all and text me in between. His patterns were changing. He’d never call me from inside his room, he claimed he didn’t want to disturb his coworker he was sharing the room with.

So with all this suspicious activity, I decided I wasn’t calling him until he called me. And he didn’t call. One day my phone broke (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), and I knew he had his old phone at his house. We were both on the same service provider so I figured I could borrow his and switch the sim cards. I went to his house and took his phone from his top drawer. He’s just stopped using it a few days before he left. I got to my house and the first thing I did… because I couldn’t resist, was go through it. Who the hell told me to do that?! What I found made my heart start to RACE! There were pictures of some woman’s vagina staring back at me, immediately. Him asking another woman for some booty pictures. Some texts to a stripper who apparently gave him and his boys lap dances regularly. Plans to meet up with this woman who was his best friend’s (a female) sister while he was away. He was supposedly flying her out there to stay with him while the conference was taking place.

I couldn’t believe the shit I was seeing! It seriously hurt my heart. I text him to let him know I “borrowed” his phone. Wouldn’t you know he found a way to call me IMMEDIATELY! He had a million questions as to why I needed to use his phone, and I’m sure it was because he knew what I’d find. He knew I would find the texts to the stripper he was apparently with on my birthday and all the naked pictures of these random women, and the sex he was talking about with women who were not me. . . He knew he’d be caught. He said “go ahead and borrow it, but you can’t be mad at me for anything you see in there, cuz no one told you to use my phone” WTF?! Is this man serious?? I ask him “So what will I find in there?” He says “Tiffany I’m telling you not to go through it. Whatever you find is your own fault” … my own fault? really?

I wonder why people who get caught doing dirty stuff because of their significant others snooping think that that’s an automatic pass on whatever they’ve done. Snooping is not the equivalent of cheating. Yes, I went looking for trouble and I found it. I may have unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) invaded his space but that does NOT cancel out his betrayal that I uncovered while doing so. It doesn’t make it any less wrong that he was talking about doing things with these women while we were in a relationship.  Maybe I shouldn’t have looked through the phone. But what if I hadn’t??

I’m not a complete fool, I knew that him abruptly decreasing the nights we stayed together meant something was going on. It was a complete pattern shift…. Although that alone didn’t mean he was cheating on me, it gave me grounds for suspicion. And my intuition was correct. I just needed the proof. I wasn’t happy to find what I did, but it gave me faith in my own feelings. Some kind of weird validation.  We broke up when he got back. After much argument and him making excuses for himself. I heard him out but what he was telling me were more lies. Why try to work it out when he disrespected our relationship on that level? I don’t know. Funny thing is he now has a child that was conceived on that trip! But it wasn’t even with that chick from his phone that he was supposed to be meeting down there… LoL.

This story is a lot longer but I’ve left out a few parts of the saga in the sake of trying to keep it short.

But tell me what you think…

Why Are You So Paranoid??

30160985.DoyouLoveme

Have you ever dated someone whose needless paranoia/jealousy was just off the charts?? Maybe you’ve even been that person!

These people ask the same question a million different ways to see if your answer changes. He or she  needs constant validation and confirmation about why you’re with them. “Why do you love me”, “What is it that you love about me”, “Do you really love me?” – those questions are heard at least once a day in any given random conversation about the weather, or your love for cheese.

Those are the most annoying people I’ve come across in my experiences. I don’t want to have to constantly explain to you what’s appealing about you. You should have the confidence in yourself to know that you’re worth my time. If not, then maybe you aren’t actually worth it. We should know that we are both deserving of each other.

Of course it’s nice to hear the accolades every now and then. Everyone wants to know that they are appreciated and love, but I refuse to feel like I’m building a case to be tried in “relationship court”!

Aside from those matters which I believe arise from self-esteem issues, there’s the factor of jealousy that I cannot deal with. Of course I don’t think I should ask anyone to trust me blindly, but I don’t feel like I should have to account for every minute of my day to make you feel secure that I’m not doing anything deceitful.Is it worth being in the relationship if you can’t trust the person you’re with is with you (and only you) for the right reasons?

(I liked that picture because it looks like the bird is pecking a hole through the other bird’s head.)

My Best and My Worst

Funny how the thing I want in my life most

is the thing I’m worst at – .

::shaking my head::