Like a Knife

Way worse than anything he ever did to me, was when he said to me

“I never loved you…”

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Aahhhmm Baaaaack (Like Weezy!)

Sooo I can’t even BEGIN to explain to you all how much of a crrrraaaaaazzzzyyyyy month and a half it’s been! Whew! But I AM BACK! Miss me?? Awww, I missed you too! 😉

Anyway, I’ve been thinking today (nope, I don’t think every day)! I weighed some things on my mind’s proverbial scale and have come to a conclusion: I HAVE COMMITMENT issues!!! Feels good to finally get that off my chest. I’ve had sinking suspicions of this for a while now, but never wanted to own up to it.

Yes, yes I know… I’m always talking about “wanting” someone. And I do, I do. I want companionship, love, cuddling, the feeling of being wanted in return; all of that mushy goodness. But the thought of possibly being with the same someone (and only that someone) for more than a few months or a year is actually  pretty terrifying to me! Like, shaking in my boots, break out in hives, anxiety attack type of scared! I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually experienced this and I have no idea how you people do it. Or maybe it’s because deep down I just want several deep connections with several men through out my years? LoL I doubt it’s the last one. Possibly a fear of making a connection that deep with someone, getting familiar and comfortable with that person in my space and knowing that there’s always the possibility that they’ll get over me and move along, or do something else hurtful. I’ve gotten so used to being unattached, un-expectant and guarded.

This opportunity  to jump off a building attached to a bungee cord (that’s how I imagine it feeling) has never fully presented itself to me. Uhh ::looks around:: yeah, I’m 26 and have NEVER been in a committed relationship over 6 months, who’s asking?! Shoot I’ve only been in 2 “relationships” period. That’s why I call myself a serial dater. I date… I’ve had “dates” that lasted much longer than any of my boyfriends. The option for me to see someone else was always there. I could very easily wake up one morning and decide I no longer wanted to respond to “his” phone calls anymore and there wouldn’t be anything lost. <— yeah right, it’s never been that easy. But in essence that’s all it could have taken!

Anyway… the closer I get to taking this leap, the more nervous I get. Every time I think to broach the subject, I clam up! I always have that “I’m not ready!” thought.

I guess now I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to bring it up… he might, he might not. Hopefully I won’t feel like the Boogy Monster just appeared in my room. I want to be open to saying YES! But uhhh yeah… I’m not sure. LoL

Waaaaiiiit, maybe I don’t have a fear of commitment, I might have a fear of rejection??

Guys, I need therapy, what do you think?? Orr I’ll just keep blogging instead because it’s free! 😉

Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.

Stunted Growth, Rendered Flightless… For a Time

This is Part ONE of this story…

The day before I turned 18, I got my first tattoo. This really rough graffiti-like drawing my friend did of my name. I got it tatted on the right side of my stomach. No, I did not get my name tattooed onto my body in fear of one day forgetting it. But it is definitely a constant reminder of who I was, and who I always wanted to be– me.  Back then I was headstrong and outspoken; the leader of several organizations/clubs in school. I was actively involved in my church, I sang everywhere with different choirs, and my best friend all over the state of NY.  Guys referred to me as “church girl” and none of them were really knocking down my door to date me. Everyone knew me, and I had a lot of friends, but I think it was more because I was so involved with everything that it was kind of hard not to. I wasn’t the pretty girl that all of the guys wanted to date. I guess I was the friend of those girls, rolling in the same circles but doing my own thing. I knew who I was and the plans I had for my future. Get good grades in high school, attend an HBCU for undergrad and then move onto law school immediately. Be married by 25 and have my first child at 27. That was my plan. That’s who Tiffany was supposed to be.

Around the time I got my first tattoo I was involved with this guy. He took me to get it. Got me the hook up on the price and his boy let me get it even though I was one day shy of being 18. He was only a year older than me but he seemed SO “worldly” in my 17-year-old eyes. He knew everyone, knew famous people. And I think I just felt special that he would be so closely involved with me. He changed the way I dressed, my vocabulary gained several colloquial terms, and my truck gained several thousand miles in that first year of ownership from driving him and his friends all over the state of NY. One would think that he had me dick whipped, but contrary to what everyone thought, we were just friends. We weren’t having sex,. We weren’t kissing. None of that. But that boy definitely made me believe I loved him and I needed him and that if I wasn’t with him, no one else would want me. To him, I was ugly because I didn’t have light-skin, long hair and double D’s, but I was lucky because he loved me anyway. I was his “best friend”. When I was with him I started to lose myself, becoming who I thought he wanted me to be in order to be worthy of remaining in his circle. His friends became my friends and my friends started to look at me funny. I was still doing all of the activities I’d been involved with before meeting him, but every other second of my life became consumed with his life.

I remember one time I was in the mall with him, he was supposed to be helping me to find a pair of jeans or something… because in my mind I couldn’t even buy my own clothes without a stamp approval from him.  I needed to look cool enough. Back then I had a two-way pager (remember those?). I had a small Talkabout and he had a bigger Timeport (I think?) with a color screen. I was in the dressing room and my pager went off. I read the message and it’s from him. “ Yo Jay. Dame”, he always misspells the word damn, smh “I hate walking around with Tiff. She’s so ugly! We in the mall, people think she’s my girl and shit” My heart sank. I think I just stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to do. He obviously meant to send that to his friend and accidentally sent the message to me. I finally got myself together, holding in my tears, my heart racing. I left the jeans in the dressing room and walked out. I found him and just said “let’s go”. He says “What’s wrong? You not getting the jeans?”, “ nope. Let’s just go”.  “Yo what’s wrong with you??” Then I lost it!  Well “losing it” for me back then was much different for me then than it is now. I addressed him about the page in a hushed but angry voice. I’ve never been one for public scenes. He goes off on me! Imagine that! Trying to convince me that he knew he sent it to me, and that it was a joke. I’m not a complete fool! I wasn’t buying it. Really, as I reflect on this, I don’t know why I didn’t just leave him in the mall. I drove us there. I drove us everywhere!

Every day he would make sure to tell me how opposite of beautiful I was, but also that he loved me and I know I love him too. When I cut my hair he ridiculed it because he only liked long hair… pretty much the only thing I had going for me in his eyes.  Then we started having sex. Everyone already thought we were doing it, no matter how much I disputed it. I lost myself even more. I desperately wanted to keep him.  We did it everywhere. To this day when someone asks me where the wildest place I’ve ever had sex is, my top 3 answers are still experiences I had with him. ::shaking my head::

He would borrow my car while I was at school or at work. When he picked me up the tank would be on E and it would be obvious there had been girls in my car. One day he actually had the nerve to pick me up with the chicks (yes, plural) still in my car, and his friend in the back seat with them. I noticed he was talking in vague language. Somewhere during the car ride, it became apparent to me that one of the girls was his newest “girl friend”… and she fit his description of his “type”. Why didn’t I say anything? I just shut up and sat up front listening to their light back and forth banter as he drove the 5 of us in MY car to take them home.  I have no idea why I let him disrespect me so much. Maybe I thought no one else wanted me anyway, so this is what I had to do.

I was giving him money. Sometimes he would pay me back, but usually he wouldn’t. He used to throw parties and I used to help him with that, promoting it. He was a self-proclaimed “baller”. Word, he had stacks sometimes, but he never spent any of it on me, but when he didn’t have it I was there riding for him and catching the slack when something needed to be paid. His first car, it was me who helped him with his down payment.  And when the girls were saying it wasn’t cool enough for him, I helped him get his next one a couple of months later.

About that time I started being resentful. But I never stopped being in his shadow.  I remember the night the shit started to hit the fan. It was summer time. I made a date with this dude who I knew he had some small beef with. He was chilling at our usual spot and I got dressed up for my date, and went to the spot to drop some money off for him and when he saw what I had on he asked me where I was going and with who. And I told him. Even though he was fucking around, he made me remind him whose I was. I told him I loved him and I left for my date. The dude and I went to the midnight showing of Goldmember on 42nd Street. Before we were even halfway through the movie my cell phone started going off. It was my mother telling me I needed to come home NOW. I was at the movies! She didn’t care, I had been out and coming in late too much and I needed to get my ass off the streets and come home. Really, this guy had me “losing my mind” according to my mother. I’m sure she thought I was doing drugs or something. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was out all times of night with him. So on this night when I actually wasn’t even with him, she’d had enough. Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone.

“I Think This is Why I’m Single”

I’m always in control.

In college I had one guy who was probably to be the type of guy I need. Except back then, he always wandered. We were together at the wrong time in both of our lives. When I reflect on the relationship during the good times, minus the lies… It could have worked had he been at a point in his life then where he was ready to maintain a commitment. He’s an excellent boyfriend now… to someone else. I honestly respect and admire their relationship. He’s grown into an upstanding man, and I think he’s found the right woman for him.

I’m realizing I need someone who will allow me to be the passenger in their figurative “life-car”… I always end up with the guy who is sitting in the backseat of my car while I drive him around to his different stops in his daily life. It proves to be inconvenient to both of us.

I want my life’s journey to be a road trip where we take turns at the wheel.

I want a man who is strong willed yet considerate. Someone whose life isn’t easily taken over by my own. We each have our own goals and destinations and can strive and achieve them at the same time.

My bestie said I need another man like “___”, cuz she hasn’t seen me happy with anyone since him. It’s true. But, I don’t miss him and no longer have romantic feelings for him at all! I’m just looking for someone to bring me a similar balance. One who can deal with my personality that can sometimes seem overbearing when I’m not getting what I need.. A completely different man who knows how to rock with me, connect with me but still have his own personality, likes and dislikes.

I’m single because I tend to take full control when I have the slightest feeling of disorder or when I can feel uncertainty in a man’s actions. I need to be secure. He has to make firm decisions and steady moves. I’m a person who makes lists, and step by step plans and needs a clear direction. My counterpart can’t be passive because I don’t feel safe with passive. He needs to be able to reassure me that he knows what he’s doing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type of woman to question a man’s “manhood”, or openly doubt a man’s ability to be a man. I understand the concept of pride and wouldn’t purposely try to bruise an ego… However I am the type to take care of things when it seems the ball isn’t in motion. I’m infamous for filling in the gaps. This tends to be my downfall in a relationship. So far with the men I’ve had long term dealings with (I won’t say “relationships” because most of the time the title has been there) I’ve ended up taking on all of the weight… I find it leads me to resent him for allowing that to happen.

What I need is someone to carry his own because I have no qualms about being responsible for what I bring to the relationship… But oh wouldn’t it be nice to just ONCE hear “let me carry that for you.” I think I’d love that man forever. And when he falters I’d take on his baggage because I want to, not because I have to… And I’d know for certain that he’ll do the same for me when it’s my turn to stumble.

Until then… I guess I’ll be doing it on my own.

Confusion

I deleted your number from my phone so I wouldn’t talk to you.
Then I put it back because I couldn’t talk to you.

365 Days of Numbness. . .

Clear!

2009 is almost over. I’ve been reflecting on my year all day. I believe this is the first year that I haven’t experienced any real heartache since 2000… I wasn’t seriously involved with anyone. No real emotional attachments. I’ve just been by myself – a few lingering encounters here and there. I don’t know if I’m happy about it or sad about it. Does this mean I’m losing my hope for Love? I don’t feel romantic about anyone at all. Of course, as you’ve read I’ve had one or two brief infatuations which lead to slight disappointments but I barely even remember those feelings so I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal anyway.

Anyway, all I know is that I have been B-O-R-E-D with my love life this year. Yes, I have been amused by the antics of one or two not-so-gentlemanly beings, but ehhh… I want to be EXCITED! I’m waiting for that tingle, that anxiousness and that topsy-turvy feeling to return to me. I guess in the meantime I should practice patience. Hopefully 2010 will bring the paddles to jumpstart my heart.