Good Morning

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My shower gets crowded in the morning.
 
I stand there thinking of you.
Not in the morning bliss type of way,
More like something I miss type of way.
 
The water over my shoulder cascades, falling away.
But that image of you posted on my minds wall won’t seem to fade.
 
Did I mention I hear you?
Your voice visits me there daily.
The times I said I love you and u said u didn’t.
When you said to sleep with that girl is what you wanted,
But somehow ended up in my bed in stead.
 
So now when I stand here exhaling trying to relax,
All I am is taken back.
I’m standing here with you, the bed, the girl you said you’d rather,
The clothes I bought, all of us getting soaking wet together.
 
But this, this isn’t drowning.
This crowded memory of us is me surviving.
Is it that I want it to die?
Can u blame me for wishing harm on this memory that is no longer my reality?
It was never really sweet anyway..
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There’s Snow Excuse!

So this guy asked me out. Cool, sure. Then he tells me he lives in Bridgeport, CT after leading me to believe he lived in the same city as I do. Mmm… fine, but I’m not driving to you until I decide I like you. Mainly because you felt the hour drive wasn’t a big deal before you said anything.

Anyway, while planning our second date, (first date went pretty well… if you are my FB friend you already know the other conflicts I had with this man lol) he says “It’s supposed to snow my car don’t do well in snow”. That’s understandable, so I suggest just getting together another day. THEN he turns around and says “can you come to me… in Bridgeport?”

HELL NO!

Seriously, dude?? You don’t want to come down here because you don’t want to mess up your car, BUT I must come to you. Ehh, no! (In my Michael Kyle voice)

Then he says something about a bar he wants to show me, and me coming up there not being the reason he mentioned his car not doing well in snow. . . Sir? So what was the reason you said it?? And lead with it at that!

There was more conversation after this but you gt my point. Really though, men? Is that how it is now??

No Church in the Wild

Is Godless the new it thing to be??

I told you all a while ago that I was giving online dating a try. And now that I’m writing this I realize that I haven’t been giving updates on it. lol sorry! I have had some really interesting experiences in the world of dating websites. REALLY interesting. However, this post isn’t really about that specifically. I’ll fill you in with the strange stories at another time. Right now this is specifically on the topic of religion in dating, or lack thereof.

Most dating sites that I’ve seen contain a section on each person’s profile where they can state their religion. There is also the option to put “non-religious” or “other”. For the most part, I haven’t been taking this section too seriously. I kinda glance over it but not really taking a mental note of what guys have chosen to put there. I’m usually more concerned about what they’ve marked as their highest level of education, smoking, drugs and if they have children. I guess I just assumed that “non-religious” means they just don’t go to church often, ya know they believe in God, but they’re not “bible-thumpers” or they usually only talk to God under breath when they’re in a sticky situation. I know a million people who have this similar relationship with God. I’d consider this non-religious, but they acknowledge a greater presence.

I moved to New York a few moths ago and I haven’t stopped dating. I was kinda anxious to see what the NY dating scene has to offer. I’ve actually been on several dates since I’ve been here. I met most of these guys the traditional way. When you meet a man in a restaurant, a bar, at the grocery store or stalking the entryway at the gym pretending to work out, wherever your preferred hunting location is, one of your first questions isn’t usually “Sooo, what’s your relationship with God?” (is it?). Well mine isn’t. And maybe that’s something that I’m doing wrongly.

Anyway, I went on this date a few weeks ago with a guy that I met online. He seemed pretty cool. Our phone conversations were nice. He was good looking, educated, a great CREATIVE job. If you know me, you know I love a man that dreams and actively pursues his goals. And I would LOVE to find a man doing all of those things and able to write me a song, spit some poetry and paint me a mural.  Yes, all of those things! At the same time. LoL! So this dude picks a really nice wine bar in Harlem as the setting for our initial date. He told me to look for the guy in button up sweater, track pants and Kangol hat. <– my response to this was “wait, are you serious??” He had a good laugh and told me not to turn my car around, he was kidding, just wearing a gray sweater. Cool, he’s funny too!

The conversation was nice, none of those awkward pauses, UNTIL we got to subject of religion. That’s were everything went south quickly! Before I go on, please don’t get me wrong thinking I’m passing judgement on this guy because of his beliefs. I’m no sacrosanct. I’m actually in the process of rebuilding my own relationship with my God. However, because I am in this process, I feel like I need someone who has SOME kind of belief in God. Actually I’ve always felt this way. And it’s never really been an issue.

I asked him “Do you believe in God?” His response was something to the effect of “well I know there has to be something out there because I know that the voice I talk to in my head isn’t myself”. <— Now this! Really, I guess I could have taken that statement several ways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume this man is crazy and is really just hearing voices. I guess we all have these types of dialogues in our heads, right? Fine. He believes in something, I thought. But then every statement he made on the subject after that contradicted it. He said if he were to be married and have children he’d be extremely upset if his wife were to take his children to church or even talk about God to them at all. He argues with his best friend all of the time on the subject of God. He couldn’t understand why I was saying I couldn’t stay out too late because I “had to go to church in the morning”. Asking “Why do you have to?” as if there was something wrong with the commitment I made to sing the next day at service. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why I feel like I have to (yes, have to) stand by my word when I give it. He made it seem as if I was saying I was bound to something that was ridiculous in his opinion. PLENTY of awkward pauses after this. Everything he said after started to sound more and more loopy, even after moving on to other topics of conversation. It just kept coming back to it. We obviously weren’t compatible for many reasons. He even said something to the effect of wanting a real laid back girl who doesn’t always have to be dressed up. That’s fine, but I’m not that girl. I’m prissy, dressy, and I don’t think laid back is a term I’d use to describe myself. Nope!

Once again, I’ll say that I’m not judging anyone for how they feel on the subject of religion. But how can you build a solid relationship when there are such major differences in your fundamental principles upon which you build your lifestyles? I feel that inside the walls of a relationship, one both parties should feel safe and free to share their feelings, fears and beliefs with one another. You shouldn’t fear accidentally or purposely broaching the subject of God and spirituality in order to avoid conflict or being mocked by your partner.

I’ve been going through my life thinking the majority of this country had some kind of religious affiliation. But since this particular date I’m noticing SO many men who have chosen to select “non-religious” on their profile. Now, I seem to be clicking away from these profiles because I’m not sure exactly what that means. And really, I don’t want to spend the time to find out. . . I’m seeing dudes with huge tattoos on their biceps of praying hands or “only God can judge me” but they aren’t religious. I don’t get it! Is religion a fashion statement, or something that dictates your manliness?

What do you all think? I am I letting one not-so-good experience get in the way of possibly making a connection with a good guy? Could my original assumption of the definition of “non-religious” actual be true for most, or should I take the words at face value from now on?

Oooh, Girl! He’s HOT!

Have you met any good looking guys recently who seem to suffer from “Hot Guy Syndrome”?? You know what I’m referring to. Those good looking guys who know they’re hot and therefore refuse to try. They don’t use their manners, and chivalry which may not have in fact died, is a certified ghost to them. They expect you to prove to them you’re worthy of their attention rather than the other way around. And they can act this way because they look good and surprisingly, this attitude works for them because there are women who will jump through hoops to get closer to them because they’re thinking of what their future children together will look like, and the jealous stares they’ll receive from other women when they’re out in public because the man on their own arm isn’t quite as handsome, or they’re alone.

Anyway, I’m here today to say that I have fallen victim to the Hot Guy once in the past… okay maybe twice. I was just thinking about the stupid, uncharacteristic things I used to do for once dude in particular. He definitely wasn’t worth it. And turns out of course I wasn’t the only one at the time that he had thinking there was a possibility of being with him. And even now after we stopped seeing each other, stopped physically being with each other, yet remained in contact, he tells me things that make me feel kinda sorry for the women who are smitten with him. He acknowledges that he knows he’s a good catch and it’s hard (for Black women in particular) to find a dude with his same qualities (very handsome, black, educated, gainfully employed, home owner, foreign car driving, etc) and he can’t help but take advantage of it. Self-admittedly, knowing at the statistics of single women in his age group looking for a certain demographic of men that he fits into, makes him even less inclined to settle down now, or date monogamously because he has soooo many options!  Sometimes, like now, when I think about it, I don’t know if I can blame him either. Yeah, it’s wrong in my opinion but I see his logic.

So what is a woman to do?? Anyway, I’m not a lion in a circus and I’m not jumping through any burning hoops! I wrote before about my affinity to men with “medium tools” and I’m letting y’all know today that I will also be completely happy with a dude who is “nice-looking”. LoL! Although every now and then when I first meet a man I may be interested in I have those “hmm I wonder what a daughter with him would look like… ” Don’t judge me. 😉

Valentine’s Day!

French Kissez hosted Speed Dating for Trix and Zeke on Valentine’s Day, sponsored by Ciroc Red Berry Vodka! Check out the pics on their site.  <– click it. Now. lol

Am I Supposed to Be the Cat or the Mouse?

I’ve never been good at the cat and mouse game men and women are
supposed to play when dating!

Once I decide I like a guy I always want to just lay all my cards face
up on the table and hand them over to him. And then I want him to take
them, accept them and on top of that I want him to actually want to keep them too. But through my
experiences I’ve learned that this really isn’t a smart strategy for
this game. You can’t make someone want you just because of how you feel about them.

So when I try to play my cards close to my chest, I come off as aloof
and maybe disinterested and they in turn lose interest as well.

I’ve written several times that I don’t do well with finding the happy
medium in most situations relating to dating.

What do you guys do when you start dating someone?? The goal is to
keep their interest but at the same time not put yourself out there
too much & get your feelings hurt when they’re not as open to
receiving you as you’d hoped. How does one accomplish this?
What’s your method for sealing the deal?

Desperate Dating?

It’s been a while and I have a confession to make. First let me say “Don’t Judge Me!!” Okay it’s really not that juicy, probably not even that big of  a deal either, but it’s a confession nonetheless, and still something that’s hard for me to admit. So here goes: I’ve ventured into the world of online dating! Why not?

I was talking to a longtime guy friend of mine, discussing my horrible track record with dating and relationships. I explained to him that I’m open to dating and relationships but I always tend to meet the wrong men. Ones who have no interest in commitment. They just want the perks of a relationship without the title. Or the title without the commitment.  He asked if I’d ever considered meeting men online through a matchmaking website. I admitted that I thought about it in the past, and even browsed a couple of sites without actually signing up, but I didn’t want to succumb to what I thought of as desperation. Friend explained to me that it’s actually not as bad as I was making it out to be. It’s not necessarily for people who have no other options, but for people who may not want to go to the usual places to meet people. Going to clubs, lounges and other social settings to meet people who may not be at those same places with similar intentions is not for everyone. When approaching someone at a random place, you always run into the risk of rejection. Of course you still face rejection online as well, but it’s not as embarrassing or uncomfortable when you’re not staring them in the face. No harm, no foul. You can feel more confident approaching that sexy dude you know you would be too shy to say hello to in person walking down the street. And the upside is you know that all of the people on these sites expect to be approached, hit on, and are looking for interaction… maybe not with you, but hey!

After talking to him and getting a couple of suggestions of some sites he’d “heard about” (I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s tried this himself. He’s in a relationship now. I don’t know if they met online, but he’s happy!) I decided to try it. If nothing positive comes of it, at least I’d have something to write about! LoL I amped myself up by convincing me that I’m conducting a “social experiment”.

I’m actually enjoying the experience! Surprisingly. I had no real positive expectations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all good… I’m definitely not interested in most of the men who contact me. A lot of men just look at my pics and don’t read my profile, send messages that say “damn you’re sexy!” or “You’re beautiful I want to get to know you” and we have nothing in common (I actually recently took down most of my pics). Thanks for the compliment, it’s cool but I need a little bit more than that. Some of them are rude. Some just plain crazy and scary- the man whose default picture was of him wearing a patent leather thong and mask gagged by a ball with a chain attached to it which was connected to the thong for instance!  There are men who hassle you if you don’t respond to their advances right away. Can’t forget about the “yoes” with the gold fronts, and hood poses next to cars who’ve messaged me saying things like “what’s goodie”! Then you must also be careful for the rebound dudes who’ve only been single for a couple of weeks/months who then decide they’re getting back with their ex .::sigh::. However, for the most part there are regular people online looking for love! And if not love, then friendship. It’s like “real life” at a much faster pace!

Looking back on my views from a month ago, where I felt the need to be “sneaky” about trying it out, I’m laughing. I’m still shy about the fact that I’m “meeting” men online (if you can call it meeting since it’s digital), but hopefully this post will help with the confidence if I can change some of the stigma that comes along with it. After all, I’m not sure what you all think, but I believe that I can be considered attractive, intelligent, and educated. I have things to offer and bring to a relationship with anyone, so if I’m giving it a shot online, then the odds are that there is a male counterpart doing the same… and who knows, maybe we’ll meet or have met already .::crossed fingers::.

It’s been three (3!) years since my last relationship, and almost two years since my last “long-term situation” ::eye roll:: ended, so I’m confident that I’ve gotten over the things that have kept me purposely single since then. Of course some insecurities and hesitations will probably always be with me, but I don’t think they’re prominent enough in my psyche anymore that they would affect my next relationship. I consider myself healed. I took the time to do it, to work on me, and figure out the things that I want from the next man who will hold a place in my life and I’m okay with who I am and what I want today. So, now I’m feeling confident that I can handle a serious relationship with someone without losing myself again. Don’t misunderstand though, I have absolutely no intentions of falling for just anyone though. I’ve been taking my time to find someone who is right for me, or to let them find me.  I guess this new online dating thing is just something I’ve added to the process. Since I became an adult I’ve never, ever had a hard time meeting men, but we all know my issue is keeping them! LoL so pray for me, cross your fingers, do a rain dance for me! 😉

Kissez!

P.S. uhmm did I mention I was in a BEAUTIFUL wedding this past weekend of two of my oldest friends (known them since middle school). . . so uhh yeah, I wanna get married too. ‘Tis all.