Come to Bed… (NSFW??)

She laid in bed still awake but with her eyes closed. She dreamed of clouds and sailboats– warmer weather & outdoor activities. She’d never done it on a boat before and decided in that moment to put it on her list of things to do with him this summer. She wondered if he was coming to bed anytime soon. She had been waiting for him to join her, with the expectation of cumming before drifting off into a satisfied sleep. She couldn’t hear him on the phone across the room anymore, so he must have gone to another room to avoid disturbing her.

Pulling the covers off of her body she sat up and called out to him. Wearing only a pair of black lace Brazilian cut panties she rose from the warm spot she’d made for herself on the mattress and stood to her feet. “where is he?” she mumbled to herself.

When she entered the dimly lit living room she found him sitting on the couch. In the quiet, she could hear his even, heavy breathing. Standing closer and looking at him, she thought to herself  “mmm he’s sexy even in his sleep”.

She walked over and kneeled in front of him, resting on her shins. Her small frame fit perfectly between his parted knees. She traced her fingers across the span of his chest and down his stomach. Her mind quickly traveled back to the night before, and she felt a pulse where her thighs met.

He didn’t budge.He hadn’t undressed since coming home that evening. He worked hard and she knew he was exhausted from all of the extra hours he’d been putting in. It wasn’t surprising that he’d fallen asleep on the couch where he’d settled, making late  calls to tie up some loose ends.

She began to undress him. Button  by button, she went down the row of his striped blue shirt until it was completely undone. She feathered kisses on the curly hair on his now exposed chest. He shifted slightly as she loosened his belt and unzipped his gray suit pants.

Tugging gently on his slacks, he began to stir. Maybe he wasn’t as fast asleep as she thought. She slipped a finger under the band at the top of his boxers feeling the bare skin of his stomach there. Pushing her hand under the zipper of his  pants, she just wanted to feel it in her hand. Soft, smooth and warm.

 

As she gently toyed with him through his underwear she could feel him responding, growing firm. She recognized the small throbbing between her legs and couldn’t resist freeing that part of him that she loved to play with from the confines of his underwear. At first she just wanted to look at it. He looked so peaceful she felt kind of bad for disturbing his rest.

She held it in her fist and couldn’t stop herself from giving it a kiss. Many times before they’d started heavy sessions of lovemaking from his request of “baby just give it a kiss for me…” She never could resist. Then she traced the head of it with the tip of her tongue. Wetting and kissing it again before taking it completely into her mouth. As she did this she could hear him inhale sharply.

“Sorry to wake you…”

She said this but did not stop. She worked him in her mouth using her hand alternating between his shaft and massaging his balls. Moving her tongue in circular motions as she moved her mouth up and down on him, she slipped her free hand into her panties rubbing her middle finger through the moisture against her clit.

He was wide awake now, running his fist through her hair as she worked them both. “fuck, baby you know how to wake a man up!”

He pushed his pants the rest of the way down his legs and kicked them aside. Still on her knees with his dick in her mouth and right hand on his balls, she cupped her breasts with her free hand. He tried to reach her pussy with his fingers but the position was awkward. He leaned forward grabbed her by her waist making them switch positions.

Now she kneeled on the couch facing the wall and he positioned his face between her legs. A loud moan escaped her lips as she shut her eyes and gave into the sensation of his warm rough tongue lapping at the pink center of her pussy. He knew her body in and out. Knew just what to do to make her purr. He used two fingers to assist his tongue, moving in and out of her as she pressed her cheek against the wall.

“you’re gonna make me come!”

“not yet. I want you to come all over this dick.” Without missing a beat he rose to his feet, and plunged into her, making her arch further over the back of the sofa.

Steady in and out, he leaned into her and used one hand to tease her left nipple, while his right gripped her waist, keeping time.

The room filled with their heavy breathing and moans of pleasure. She reached on hand between her legs to find his balls and give them a gentle squeeze as they slapped against her mound with his down stroke.

“yeah, like that! Don’t stop”

She could feel him getting close to his climax, so she flexed & tightened her walls around him with every other stroke. He liked that about her. She had so much control over her pussy, it got him there every time. Fucking never got old for them. They always found a new way to keep the excitement. Her mind briefly returned to her dream from earlier.

In the past, when asked by men where her “spot” was, she always responded with what she thought was an honest “I don’t have one.” But he never asked her. He’d just explored her body until he discovered place that lead her to paradise. And now she felt his lips on her body, in that spot, tracing light kisses up and along her side. She cried out as he worked her body as only he knew how…

“baby I’m coming… now, ohh”

He moved quicker in and out of her entry as it contracted and became even wetter around him. He wanted to get there with her. Driven by her sounds of ecstasy with one last thrust she felt him expel his release inside of her.

“Honey, now get off of the couch and come to bed”

🙂

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Well… what are you waiting for??

I realize there are some troublesome things within myself that I’ve yet to deal with, or even recognize fully as issues. I’m home (NY) for the day and I found myself sitting in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Staring off into space and unaware of my thoughts or movement around me. My dad came in and saw me and asked if I was okay. My reply: “I don’t know what I am.” The thing is, I really don’t! I’m not sure if I’m sad, happy, lonely or just tired right now. I am numb today.

Upon further thought of “how do I feel?” (because my mother came in and asked me the same question my dad did, along with adding her own guesses, ie. tired and lonely) I’ve realized that I’ve bottled so much inside in the past couple of years. Things happen in my life and I just keep moving but I don’t really deal with them.

Last year I lost one of my best friends. Nothing happened to her, but we’re not friends anymore. I felt like she betrayed our friendship, and although I am not the one who did anything to her in my opinion, our other friends (for the most part) I feel, villainized me for being upset with her. Probably because she got to tell her side of the story first and come off seeming as if she hadn’t intended to hurt me. But she made conscious decisions to act on something she knew I would be upset about. Then decided to sit me down and tell me about it the day I got back into the country after burying my grandmother. Kick someone while they’re down much? Then I feel like I made an effort to forgive her and push things under the rug but wasn’t met with the same effort on her end. We never really talked about it at all. Why should I keep trying? I won’t. But not talking to her is not really dealing with it is it?? We still have the same circle of friends… Well she kinda invaded one of my circles, but I guess I did the same with one of hers so we’re sorta even. I won’t stop hanging out with my friends because I know she’ll be there. That’s childish. But as more and more of the story has unfolded in the past year, I find myself getting angrier. At this point I don’t even want to talk about it with her or hash anything out… I just want it to be over. I dunno, maybe this end was coming even if she hadn’t done what she did. Who knows? Good thing I have best friend number one, when number two fails. I just got tired of being made to feel like my anger wasn’t valid so I stopped talking and never really dealt. (Maybe I’ll talk about what the situation actually was in another post. )

I’m single. And although I feel like I’ve grown from the point of feeling like I need someone to now just wanting someone, it’s still very apparent that I am alone. There isn’t an end in sight to my oneness. I don’t think I’ve embraced it. I fill my voids with extra work and extra curriculars. I date, of course, because I like to go out… But I’m just not meeting the right ones. I told you all last year that I’d begun to internet date to see what the hype is. You would think that when a person makes a decision to put the time and effort into creating an online profile on a site meant for dating an people looking to meet their “someone”, disregarding the social stigmas that do still exist, they would take it seriously. So far I’ve met two guys that I was into that said all of the “right” things at first and had me thinking I may have come across something that could turn into something more than casual eventually, that turned out to be duds. Good dudes but they’re not looking for relationships. Then whyyyy sir, are you on a dating website? <– That was guy number 2. Guy number one is an entire post by himself! Frankly, I’m not looking for a relationship either, but I’m not counting them out. Actually I do want a relationship but who knows if you’re even someone I want to commit myself to?? Why are you telling me this? Even though I wasn’t at the point where I was thinking “relationship” yet, it was sort of a bruise to my ego/esteem when he called the other night seemingly just to tell me that. It brought back old feelings of rejection from other guys. That “what’s so undesirable about me?” feeling. I am almost 30 practically and never been in a “relationship” for more than 6 months. And that was only twice. I’ve dated men for well over a year, even two, but they never want to be in a relationship. But why would they? I overextend myself, I give, and I don’t ask for what I want in return. So why would they give up their option to hook up with someone else if they’re still getting everything they want from me without having to give anything? I realize this and I feel like I’ve recognized what I shouldn’t be doing but it hadn’t fully changed yet. And I haven’t fully dealt with that ugly duckling feeling that I used to have, mainly because of that “him” that used to tell me I was ugly every day. I made efforts to embrace my outward and shine outwardly, but I haven’t fully dealt with the inside.

I hate my job. I used to be confident when I spoke, take full credit for my work and not put my name on something until I was proud of it. Working in this place for the past 3 years has extinguished so much of me. I was pleasant, I smiled and I was happy to do things. I find that I can’t even breathe deeply in that building anymore. It’s such a depression that I’ve been placed into. It shows even through my phone conversation. I’m typically not a rude person. I know I have wonderful manners. I used to complain about the people who worked at my university and how much they seemed to hate their jobs and take it out on the students. I’ve become one of those women who are just sour! I had a woman call back to tell me how rude I was on the phone and ask my name. I sincerely had to apologize to her and check myself because she was right and I hadn’t even realized at the time what I was doing. She recognized my name and who I was and asked if I was having a bad day because she’s come in to my job so many times and I was always helpful and smiling. I felt so bad! Even now, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to complain about it anymore, I just want to do something about it.

All of these things are unresolved issues I’m my life right now and need to be fixed or come to terms with. Accepted? What am I waiting for?

Would You Be Offended If . . .

. . . I posted my first shot at writing erotica on the blog??

I took a stab at writing something sexy after drinking a little too much wine the other night. . . Wanna read it?? LoL

I KNOW I’m Late!

Wait!! Is it too late to say Happy New Year??

Don’t ask where I’ve been. . . but I am back! I think. What’s up y’all??

Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.

Stunted Growth, Rendered Flightless… For a Time

This is Part ONE of this story…

The day before I turned 18, I got my first tattoo. This really rough graffiti-like drawing my friend did of my name. I got it tatted on the right side of my stomach. No, I did not get my name tattooed onto my body in fear of one day forgetting it. But it is definitely a constant reminder of who I was, and who I always wanted to be– me.  Back then I was headstrong and outspoken; the leader of several organizations/clubs in school. I was actively involved in my church, I sang everywhere with different choirs, and my best friend all over the state of NY.  Guys referred to me as “church girl” and none of them were really knocking down my door to date me. Everyone knew me, and I had a lot of friends, but I think it was more because I was so involved with everything that it was kind of hard not to. I wasn’t the pretty girl that all of the guys wanted to date. I guess I was the friend of those girls, rolling in the same circles but doing my own thing. I knew who I was and the plans I had for my future. Get good grades in high school, attend an HBCU for undergrad and then move onto law school immediately. Be married by 25 and have my first child at 27. That was my plan. That’s who Tiffany was supposed to be.

Around the time I got my first tattoo I was involved with this guy. He took me to get it. Got me the hook up on the price and his boy let me get it even though I was one day shy of being 18. He was only a year older than me but he seemed SO “worldly” in my 17-year-old eyes. He knew everyone, knew famous people. And I think I just felt special that he would be so closely involved with me. He changed the way I dressed, my vocabulary gained several colloquial terms, and my truck gained several thousand miles in that first year of ownership from driving him and his friends all over the state of NY. One would think that he had me dick whipped, but contrary to what everyone thought, we were just friends. We weren’t having sex,. We weren’t kissing. None of that. But that boy definitely made me believe I loved him and I needed him and that if I wasn’t with him, no one else would want me. To him, I was ugly because I didn’t have light-skin, long hair and double D’s, but I was lucky because he loved me anyway. I was his “best friend”. When I was with him I started to lose myself, becoming who I thought he wanted me to be in order to be worthy of remaining in his circle. His friends became my friends and my friends started to look at me funny. I was still doing all of the activities I’d been involved with before meeting him, but every other second of my life became consumed with his life.

I remember one time I was in the mall with him, he was supposed to be helping me to find a pair of jeans or something… because in my mind I couldn’t even buy my own clothes without a stamp approval from him.  I needed to look cool enough. Back then I had a two-way pager (remember those?). I had a small Talkabout and he had a bigger Timeport (I think?) with a color screen. I was in the dressing room and my pager went off. I read the message and it’s from him. “ Yo Jay. Dame”, he always misspells the word damn, smh “I hate walking around with Tiff. She’s so ugly! We in the mall, people think she’s my girl and shit” My heart sank. I think I just stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to do. He obviously meant to send that to his friend and accidentally sent the message to me. I finally got myself together, holding in my tears, my heart racing. I left the jeans in the dressing room and walked out. I found him and just said “let’s go”. He says “What’s wrong? You not getting the jeans?”, “ nope. Let’s just go”.  “Yo what’s wrong with you??” Then I lost it!  Well “losing it” for me back then was much different for me then than it is now. I addressed him about the page in a hushed but angry voice. I’ve never been one for public scenes. He goes off on me! Imagine that! Trying to convince me that he knew he sent it to me, and that it was a joke. I’m not a complete fool! I wasn’t buying it. Really, as I reflect on this, I don’t know why I didn’t just leave him in the mall. I drove us there. I drove us everywhere!

Every day he would make sure to tell me how opposite of beautiful I was, but also that he loved me and I know I love him too. When I cut my hair he ridiculed it because he only liked long hair… pretty much the only thing I had going for me in his eyes.  Then we started having sex. Everyone already thought we were doing it, no matter how much I disputed it. I lost myself even more. I desperately wanted to keep him.  We did it everywhere. To this day when someone asks me where the wildest place I’ve ever had sex is, my top 3 answers are still experiences I had with him. ::shaking my head::

He would borrow my car while I was at school or at work. When he picked me up the tank would be on E and it would be obvious there had been girls in my car. One day he actually had the nerve to pick me up with the chicks (yes, plural) still in my car, and his friend in the back seat with them. I noticed he was talking in vague language. Somewhere during the car ride, it became apparent to me that one of the girls was his newest “girl friend”… and she fit his description of his “type”. Why didn’t I say anything? I just shut up and sat up front listening to their light back and forth banter as he drove the 5 of us in MY car to take them home.  I have no idea why I let him disrespect me so much. Maybe I thought no one else wanted me anyway, so this is what I had to do.

I was giving him money. Sometimes he would pay me back, but usually he wouldn’t. He used to throw parties and I used to help him with that, promoting it. He was a self-proclaimed “baller”. Word, he had stacks sometimes, but he never spent any of it on me, but when he didn’t have it I was there riding for him and catching the slack when something needed to be paid. His first car, it was me who helped him with his down payment.  And when the girls were saying it wasn’t cool enough for him, I helped him get his next one a couple of months later.

About that time I started being resentful. But I never stopped being in his shadow.  I remember the night the shit started to hit the fan. It was summer time. I made a date with this dude who I knew he had some small beef with. He was chilling at our usual spot and I got dressed up for my date, and went to the spot to drop some money off for him and when he saw what I had on he asked me where I was going and with who. And I told him. Even though he was fucking around, he made me remind him whose I was. I told him I loved him and I left for my date. The dude and I went to the midnight showing of Goldmember on 42nd Street. Before we were even halfway through the movie my cell phone started going off. It was my mother telling me I needed to come home NOW. I was at the movies! She didn’t care, I had been out and coming in late too much and I needed to get my ass off the streets and come home. Really, this guy had me “losing my mind” according to my mother. I’m sure she thought I was doing drugs or something. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was out all times of night with him. So on this night when I actually wasn’t even with him, she’d had enough. Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone.

Desperate Dating?

It’s been a while and I have a confession to make. First let me say “Don’t Judge Me!!” Okay it’s really not that juicy, probably not even that big of  a deal either, but it’s a confession nonetheless, and still something that’s hard for me to admit. So here goes: I’ve ventured into the world of online dating! Why not?

I was talking to a longtime guy friend of mine, discussing my horrible track record with dating and relationships. I explained to him that I’m open to dating and relationships but I always tend to meet the wrong men. Ones who have no interest in commitment. They just want the perks of a relationship without the title. Or the title without the commitment.  He asked if I’d ever considered meeting men online through a matchmaking website. I admitted that I thought about it in the past, and even browsed a couple of sites without actually signing up, but I didn’t want to succumb to what I thought of as desperation. Friend explained to me that it’s actually not as bad as I was making it out to be. It’s not necessarily for people who have no other options, but for people who may not want to go to the usual places to meet people. Going to clubs, lounges and other social settings to meet people who may not be at those same places with similar intentions is not for everyone. When approaching someone at a random place, you always run into the risk of rejection. Of course you still face rejection online as well, but it’s not as embarrassing or uncomfortable when you’re not staring them in the face. No harm, no foul. You can feel more confident approaching that sexy dude you know you would be too shy to say hello to in person walking down the street. And the upside is you know that all of the people on these sites expect to be approached, hit on, and are looking for interaction… maybe not with you, but hey!

After talking to him and getting a couple of suggestions of some sites he’d “heard about” (I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s tried this himself. He’s in a relationship now. I don’t know if they met online, but he’s happy!) I decided to try it. If nothing positive comes of it, at least I’d have something to write about! LoL I amped myself up by convincing me that I’m conducting a “social experiment”.

I’m actually enjoying the experience! Surprisingly. I had no real positive expectations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all good… I’m definitely not interested in most of the men who contact me. A lot of men just look at my pics and don’t read my profile, send messages that say “damn you’re sexy!” or “You’re beautiful I want to get to know you” and we have nothing in common (I actually recently took down most of my pics). Thanks for the compliment, it’s cool but I need a little bit more than that. Some of them are rude. Some just plain crazy and scary- the man whose default picture was of him wearing a patent leather thong and mask gagged by a ball with a chain attached to it which was connected to the thong for instance!  There are men who hassle you if you don’t respond to their advances right away. Can’t forget about the “yoes” with the gold fronts, and hood poses next to cars who’ve messaged me saying things like “what’s goodie”! Then you must also be careful for the rebound dudes who’ve only been single for a couple of weeks/months who then decide they’re getting back with their ex .::sigh::. However, for the most part there are regular people online looking for love! And if not love, then friendship. It’s like “real life” at a much faster pace!

Looking back on my views from a month ago, where I felt the need to be “sneaky” about trying it out, I’m laughing. I’m still shy about the fact that I’m “meeting” men online (if you can call it meeting since it’s digital), but hopefully this post will help with the confidence if I can change some of the stigma that comes along with it. After all, I’m not sure what you all think, but I believe that I can be considered attractive, intelligent, and educated. I have things to offer and bring to a relationship with anyone, so if I’m giving it a shot online, then the odds are that there is a male counterpart doing the same… and who knows, maybe we’ll meet or have met already .::crossed fingers::.

It’s been three (3!) years since my last relationship, and almost two years since my last “long-term situation” ::eye roll:: ended, so I’m confident that I’ve gotten over the things that have kept me purposely single since then. Of course some insecurities and hesitations will probably always be with me, but I don’t think they’re prominent enough in my psyche anymore that they would affect my next relationship. I consider myself healed. I took the time to do it, to work on me, and figure out the things that I want from the next man who will hold a place in my life and I’m okay with who I am and what I want today. So, now I’m feeling confident that I can handle a serious relationship with someone without losing myself again. Don’t misunderstand though, I have absolutely no intentions of falling for just anyone though. I’ve been taking my time to find someone who is right for me, or to let them find me.  I guess this new online dating thing is just something I’ve added to the process. Since I became an adult I’ve never, ever had a hard time meeting men, but we all know my issue is keeping them! LoL so pray for me, cross your fingers, do a rain dance for me! 😉

Kissez!

P.S. uhmm did I mention I was in a BEAUTIFUL wedding this past weekend of two of my oldest friends (known them since middle school). . . so uhh yeah, I wanna get married too. ‘Tis all.