You Can’t See Through Smudgy Glasses

Photo Dec 16, 10 35 10 PM

Why don’t people say what they mean?? Especially in those times where it’s necessary to be transparent because it’s going to come back and bite us in our asses.

A man says “I’m not looking for a relationship, but if the right one comes along I may be open to it.” and a woman who was just  browsing the Jared’s website and sending links to her fellow single ladies will reply “Oh me either! I just want to date and go with the flow.” <– Why do we tell these lies out loud??

OR

A woman will say “I’ve been in a few situations where we weren’t on the same page and he wasn’t ready for a commitment and I was. I’m dating in hopes of being in a relationship at some point” (wait are we ever that straightforward? Yes, sometimes) and the man she’s speaking to will say “I think I’m ready to settle down. I’m at that age where I’m done with the games and I could be ready for something serious”. Despite all of the passive wording in his response he is convincing and she will let ALL of her guards down and let him in(to her heart her home and her vagina)! Immediately.

So what happens three or four months down line when he’s suddenly withdrawing from this woman who has prepared herself fully for “more” with this man who never really wanted to be in a relationship, not even just with her, but at all?? Neither of them were really honest about their intentions or expectations. She can’t understand why he’s no longer calling and texting like he used to. He’s not inviting her over anymore, they don’t go on dates now and she’s wondering why he hasn’t asked her about Valentine’s Day plans yet. It’s probably because she’s not, nor will she ever be his girlfriend, his wife or his Valentine.

(Here’s where I lost the rest of my post! But uhh… I tried to recreate the gist of it. Kinda failed, but I didn’t want to waste the 2 hours I spent writing this post -_- )

Just because you’re talking, spending time together regularly, checking in, having sex, and doing things that people who care about each other do doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. All of those ingredients aren’t necessarily the full recipe for a relationship. I’ll say again that I’m no relationship expert. In fact I know very little about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. A person can know all of the right things to put into a cake but if they don’t know how to mix it or how long to bake it then all you have is a bowl of eggs, flour and sugar and you can’t call that a cake, right??

It’s important to be clear in our intentions and expectations of one another to avoid these pseudo relationship situations. The world is a lot clearer when you wipe the finger smudges off your glasses! Why do we talk in codes and riddles, lying to ourselves and others in hopes that we say the right thing to make the other person like us?? Humans are tricky!

I have to take …

I have to take a minute to stop and pray when I have days that begin this way . . .

Woke up late today. Heavy feeling in my chest. Had a disagreement in a text that began with “good morning” <– those are supposed to be sweet aren’t they? Now I’m sitting at my desk feeling so blah. Ugh, I hate this figurative place.

Orbit

“I don’t want to be your Moon, I want to be your Sun. Me center, You planet, revolving.”

orbit |ˈôrbit|
noun1
the curved path of a celestial object or spacecraft around a star, planet, or moon, esp. a periodic elliptical revolution.
• one complete circuit around an orbited body.
• the state of being on or moving in such a course : the earth is in orbit around the sun

Moons revolve around planets, planets revolve around the sun. Get it? I have an explanation but I don’t feel like typing it. So… just think about it.

 

 

Well… what are you waiting for??

I realize there are some troublesome things within myself that I’ve yet to deal with, or even recognize fully as issues. I’m home (NY) for the day and I found myself sitting in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Staring off into space and unaware of my thoughts or movement around me. My dad came in and saw me and asked if I was okay. My reply: “I don’t know what I am.” The thing is, I really don’t! I’m not sure if I’m sad, happy, lonely or just tired right now. I am numb today.

Upon further thought of “how do I feel?” (because my mother came in and asked me the same question my dad did, along with adding her own guesses, ie. tired and lonely) I’ve realized that I’ve bottled so much inside in the past couple of years. Things happen in my life and I just keep moving but I don’t really deal with them.

Last year I lost one of my best friends. Nothing happened to her, but we’re not friends anymore. I felt like she betrayed our friendship, and although I am not the one who did anything to her in my opinion, our other friends (for the most part) I feel, villainized me for being upset with her. Probably because she got to tell her side of the story first and come off seeming as if she hadn’t intended to hurt me. But she made conscious decisions to act on something she knew I would be upset about. Then decided to sit me down and tell me about it the day I got back into the country after burying my grandmother. Kick someone while they’re down much? Then I feel like I made an effort to forgive her and push things under the rug but wasn’t met with the same effort on her end. We never really talked about it at all. Why should I keep trying? I won’t. But not talking to her is not really dealing with it is it?? We still have the same circle of friends… Well she kinda invaded one of my circles, but I guess I did the same with one of hers so we’re sorta even. I won’t stop hanging out with my friends because I know she’ll be there. That’s childish. But as more and more of the story has unfolded in the past year, I find myself getting angrier. At this point I don’t even want to talk about it with her or hash anything out… I just want it to be over. I dunno, maybe this end was coming even if she hadn’t done what she did. Who knows? Good thing I have best friend number one, when number two fails. I just got tired of being made to feel like my anger wasn’t valid so I stopped talking and never really dealt. (Maybe I’ll talk about what the situation actually was in another post. )

I’m single. And although I feel like I’ve grown from the point of feeling like I need someone to now just wanting someone, it’s still very apparent that I am alone. There isn’t an end in sight to my oneness. I don’t think I’ve embraced it. I fill my voids with extra work and extra curriculars. I date, of course, because I like to go out… But I’m just not meeting the right ones. I told you all last year that I’d begun to internet date to see what the hype is. You would think that when a person makes a decision to put the time and effort into creating an online profile on a site meant for dating an people looking to meet their “someone”, disregarding the social stigmas that do still exist, they would take it seriously. So far I’ve met two guys that I was into that said all of the “right” things at first and had me thinking I may have come across something that could turn into something more than casual eventually, that turned out to be duds. Good dudes but they’re not looking for relationships. Then whyyyy sir, are you on a dating website? <– That was guy number 2. Guy number one is an entire post by himself! Frankly, I’m not looking for a relationship either, but I’m not counting them out. Actually I do want a relationship but who knows if you’re even someone I want to commit myself to?? Why are you telling me this? Even though I wasn’t at the point where I was thinking “relationship” yet, it was sort of a bruise to my ego/esteem when he called the other night seemingly just to tell me that. It brought back old feelings of rejection from other guys. That “what’s so undesirable about me?” feeling. I am almost 30 practically and never been in a “relationship” for more than 6 months. And that was only twice. I’ve dated men for well over a year, even two, but they never want to be in a relationship. But why would they? I overextend myself, I give, and I don’t ask for what I want in return. So why would they give up their option to hook up with someone else if they’re still getting everything they want from me without having to give anything? I realize this and I feel like I’ve recognized what I shouldn’t be doing but it hadn’t fully changed yet. And I haven’t fully dealt with that ugly duckling feeling that I used to have, mainly because of that “him” that used to tell me I was ugly every day. I made efforts to embrace my outward and shine outwardly, but I haven’t fully dealt with the inside.

I hate my job. I used to be confident when I spoke, take full credit for my work and not put my name on something until I was proud of it. Working in this place for the past 3 years has extinguished so much of me. I was pleasant, I smiled and I was happy to do things. I find that I can’t even breathe deeply in that building anymore. It’s such a depression that I’ve been placed into. It shows even through my phone conversation. I’m typically not a rude person. I know I have wonderful manners. I used to complain about the people who worked at my university and how much they seemed to hate their jobs and take it out on the students. I’ve become one of those women who are just sour! I had a woman call back to tell me how rude I was on the phone and ask my name. I sincerely had to apologize to her and check myself because she was right and I hadn’t even realized at the time what I was doing. She recognized my name and who I was and asked if I was having a bad day because she’s come in to my job so many times and I was always helpful and smiling. I felt so bad! Even now, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to complain about it anymore, I just want to do something about it.

All of these things are unresolved issues I’m my life right now and need to be fixed or come to terms with. Accepted? What am I waiting for?

Like a Knife

Way worse than anything he ever did to me, was when he said to me

“I never loved you…”

Underhanded Toss

We have a new guest post! My friend wrote this and shared it with me. I loved it immediately! I think we’ve all been here before. COMMENT PLEASE!

Written by Tiffani B.

He tricked me too. They always seem to find a way to make me hesitant, one foot hovering over ground. Neck cocked to the left/right. Scared so scared to place the tip of the toes. The arch of the foot. The heel. To the dirt. Fearful something’s going to reach up beneath said dirt and pull me down down down till I can’t breathe. Till the dirt has swallowed not only my skin but the space in the lungs where the oxygen should be. And the tip of my middle finger’s nail is all that’s seen aboveground next to that sign. The one with the arrow. That huge one from some old cartoon, pointing out the obvious.That huge wooden sign with the arrow pointing out the obvious at said finger in said dirt. In capital letters. Misspelled. Saying “stoopid girl. Stupid stoopid stupid girl. Fell for it again.”

I guess there’s no one to be mad at about it. I gave it to him. Tossed it underhanded. Saw it float float fall in his palms. Saw the way his eyes slanted just a second as he slipped it in his right back pocket. Just like that I’d given it away. Couldn’t see it anymore. Didn’t hear from it. No letters in the inbox. No packages. I gots nothing. And all because I gave it to him. I’ll admit I should’ve seen it coming. Noticed how it got real blue-gray outside. How all the winged ones went quiet. Ominous. They knew too.

Exhale.

So now I’m sans heartbeat. Just laying here. Waiting on my breathing to slow. On my hands to feel cold. On all the things that happen to heartless people to happen to me. I kinda miss the thumpthump. Wonder if he listens to it the way I did. Wonder if it got smushed in his pocket all that time. Wonder if it misses me. He could’ve said something. I know I wouldn’t have begged him for it back. But. He could’ve said something. Relented. Taken a breath. Looked at me. He could’ve looked at me. And said I play for keeps. Said no take backs. Said you sure. Said baby you sure. And I probably would’ve laughed and chuckled giggled and smiled. I probably – no – I know i would’ve still taken it out of its fine wooden box.  Cuz that wouldn’t fit in his fine linen slacks. Taken it out and wrapped it hurriedly in some plastic bags. Letting the ribbons it came with fall to the wayside. Totally disregarding the pieces of silk that came folded alongside it. Moving so quickly to just get it perfectly positioned so that he. He. He. Could have it. Because all I wanted was for him to have it.

Underhanded toss.

And now I’m breathless. Paralyzed and tired. Immobile and afraid. With no voice. Because no one tells you that your speech, your ability to put together words in protest disappear when you give over where the words come from. I tossed so much away. I shake my head. I want to cry. Heave those tears that hurt the back of your throat, clench your side. The ones that require support from objects stronger than you at that moment in time. Like plastic furniture. Or countertops. Floors. Always the floors. And I realized he took that too. The ability to pity oneself in a watery-way is standard equipment in what I gave away. Who knew. No one tells you it’s a package deal. That when you hand it or…throw it…away so eagerly, it glides through the air with invisible strings tied to the tear ducts, the larynx, the lungs, the brain. My mind. The pieces of my mind that kept the pieces of my mind together unraveled as those strings flew in the air. And I didn’t even know it. Like yarn. I’m underhandedly tossing away the best part of me thinking I’ll be alright without it. And here I am unraveling me. Brightly colored invisible string followed by equally brightly colored invisible string slipping from my flesh into the air between he and I and tearing apart. Like hair strands in the wind. If I looked to find the different pieces I could never find that version of me again. Took all of two seconds.

He’d said something in all of two seconds that made my heart leap. My heart leapt. My heart dived from within its ribbed security into my makeshift packaging and then…well. And then. It took all of two seconds and a flick of the tongue. A vowel followed by the flick of the tongue. An oh. A vee. Another vowel.

He tells me he loves me. In two seconds every rib becomes gel and my heart pushes through. My brain shuts down. My soul quiets. He tells me this lie and I believe it so much I give him my heart. For this lie. I knew it was a lie when he whispered it to me. When he stood there, across from me with that left hand behind his back. That one finger crossed over that other finger. I knew that it was a lie. And not in my brain cuz it was unraveling. Not in my soul cuz it was anesthetized. Not in my heart cuz its so damn foolish. But me. In me I felt that lie curl from his lips and into my veins. I felt it make the hair on my arm rise. And I. I, she spoke to Me. And I told Me to believe the lie. Again. To believe this lie yet again. And one second after one second passed and I gave my heart away. Tossed it underhanded. Saw it float float fall in his palms. Saw the way his eyes slanted just a second as he slipped it in his right pocket. Just like that I’d given it away. I guess there’s no one to be mad at it. I mean. I did. I did. give it to him.

 

Aahhhmm Baaaaack (Like Weezy!)

Sooo I can’t even BEGIN to explain to you all how much of a crrrraaaaaazzzzyyyyy month and a half it’s been! Whew! But I AM BACK! Miss me?? Awww, I missed you too! 😉

Anyway, I’ve been thinking today (nope, I don’t think every day)! I weighed some things on my mind’s proverbial scale and have come to a conclusion: I HAVE COMMITMENT issues!!! Feels good to finally get that off my chest. I’ve had sinking suspicions of this for a while now, but never wanted to own up to it.

Yes, yes I know… I’m always talking about “wanting” someone. And I do, I do. I want companionship, love, cuddling, the feeling of being wanted in return; all of that mushy goodness. But the thought of possibly being with the same someone (and only that someone) for more than a few months or a year is actually  pretty terrifying to me! Like, shaking in my boots, break out in hives, anxiety attack type of scared! I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually experienced this and I have no idea how you people do it. Or maybe it’s because deep down I just want several deep connections with several men through out my years? LoL I doubt it’s the last one. Possibly a fear of making a connection that deep with someone, getting familiar and comfortable with that person in my space and knowing that there’s always the possibility that they’ll get over me and move along, or do something else hurtful. I’ve gotten so used to being unattached, un-expectant and guarded.

This opportunity  to jump off a building attached to a bungee cord (that’s how I imagine it feeling) has never fully presented itself to me. Uhh ::looks around:: yeah, I’m 26 and have NEVER been in a committed relationship over 6 months, who’s asking?! Shoot I’ve only been in 2 “relationships” period. That’s why I call myself a serial dater. I date… I’ve had “dates” that lasted much longer than any of my boyfriends. The option for me to see someone else was always there. I could very easily wake up one morning and decide I no longer wanted to respond to “his” phone calls anymore and there wouldn’t be anything lost. <— yeah right, it’s never been that easy. But in essence that’s all it could have taken!

Anyway… the closer I get to taking this leap, the more nervous I get. Every time I think to broach the subject, I clam up! I always have that “I’m not ready!” thought.

I guess now I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to bring it up… he might, he might not. Hopefully I won’t feel like the Boogy Monster just appeared in my room. I want to be open to saying YES! But uhhh yeah… I’m not sure. LoL

Waaaaiiiit, maybe I don’t have a fear of commitment, I might have a fear of rejection??

Guys, I need therapy, what do you think?? Orr I’ll just keep blogging instead because it’s free! 😉