No Church in the Wild

Is Godless the new it thing to be??

I told you all a while ago that I was giving online dating a try. And now that I’m writing this I realize that I haven’t been giving updates on it. lol sorry! I have had some really interesting experiences in the world of dating websites. REALLY interesting. However, this post isn’t really about that specifically. I’ll fill you in with the strange stories at another time. Right now this is specifically on the topic of religion in dating, or lack thereof.

Most dating sites that I’ve seen contain a section on each person’s profile where they can state their religion. There is also the option to put “non-religious” or “other”. For the most part, I haven’t been taking this section too seriously. I kinda glance over it but not really taking a mental note of what guys have chosen to put there. I’m usually more concerned about what they’ve marked as their highest level of education, smoking, drugs and if they have children. I guess I just assumed that “non-religious” means they just don’t go to church often, ya know they believe in God, but they’re not “bible-thumpers” or they usually only talk to God under breath when they’re in a sticky situation. I know a million people who have this similar relationship with God. I’d consider this non-religious, but they acknowledge a greater presence.

I moved to New York a few moths ago and I haven’t stopped dating. I was kinda anxious to see what the NY dating scene has to offer. I’ve actually been on several dates since I’ve been here. I met most of these guys the traditional way. When you meet a man in a restaurant, a bar, at the grocery store or stalking the entryway at the gym pretending to work out, wherever your preferred hunting location is, one of your first questions isn’t usually “Sooo, what’s your relationship with God?” (is it?). Well mine isn’t. And maybe that’s something that I’m doing wrongly.

Anyway, I went on this date a few weeks ago with a guy that I met online. He seemed pretty cool. Our phone conversations were nice. He was good looking, educated, a great CREATIVE job. If you know me, you know I love a man that dreams and actively pursues his goals. And I would LOVE to find a man doing all of those things and able to write me a song, spit some poetry and paint me a mural.  Yes, all of those things! At the same time. LoL! So this dude picks a really nice wine bar in Harlem as the setting for our initial date. He told me to look for the guy in button up sweater, track pants and Kangol hat. <– my response to this was “wait, are you serious??” He had a good laugh and told me not to turn my car around, he was kidding, just wearing a gray sweater. Cool, he’s funny too!

The conversation was nice, none of those awkward pauses, UNTIL we got to subject of religion. That’s were everything went south quickly! Before I go on, please don’t get me wrong thinking I’m passing judgement on this guy because of his beliefs. I’m no sacrosanct. I’m actually in the process of rebuilding my own relationship with my God. However, because I am in this process, I feel like I need someone who has SOME kind of belief in God. Actually I’ve always felt this way. And it’s never really been an issue.

I asked him “Do you believe in God?” His response was something to the effect of “well I know there has to be something out there because I know that the voice I talk to in my head isn’t myself”. <— Now this! Really, I guess I could have taken that statement several ways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume this man is crazy and is really just hearing voices. I guess we all have these types of dialogues in our heads, right? Fine. He believes in something, I thought. But then every statement he made on the subject after that contradicted it. He said if he were to be married and have children he’d be extremely upset if his wife were to take his children to church or even talk about God to them at all. He argues with his best friend all of the time on the subject of God. He couldn’t understand why I was saying I couldn’t stay out too late because I “had to go to church in the morning”. Asking “Why do you have to?” as if there was something wrong with the commitment I made to sing the next day at service. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why I feel like I have to (yes, have to) stand by my word when I give it. He made it seem as if I was saying I was bound to something that was ridiculous in his opinion. PLENTY of awkward pauses after this. Everything he said after started to sound more and more loopy, even after moving on to other topics of conversation. It just kept coming back to it. We obviously weren’t compatible for many reasons. He even said something to the effect of wanting a real laid back girl who doesn’t always have to be dressed up. That’s fine, but I’m not that girl. I’m prissy, dressy, and I don’t think laid back is a term I’d use to describe myself. Nope!

Once again, I’ll say that I’m not judging anyone for how they feel on the subject of religion. But how can you build a solid relationship when there are such major differences in your fundamental principles upon which you build your lifestyles? I feel that inside the walls of a relationship, one both parties should feel safe and free to share their feelings, fears and beliefs with one another. You shouldn’t fear accidentally or purposely broaching the subject of God and spirituality in order to avoid conflict or being mocked by your partner.

I’ve been going through my life thinking the majority of this country had some kind of religious affiliation. But since this particular date I’m noticing SO many men who have chosen to select “non-religious” on their profile. Now, I seem to be clicking away from these profiles because I’m not sure exactly what that means. And really, I don’t want to spend the time to find out. . . I’m seeing dudes with huge tattoos on their biceps of praying hands or “only God can judge me” but they aren’t religious. I don’t get it! Is religion a fashion statement, or something that dictates your manliness?

What do you all think? I am I letting one not-so-good experience get in the way of possibly making a connection with a good guy? Could my original assumption of the definition of “non-religious” actual be true for most, or should I take the words at face value from now on?

Well… what are you waiting for??

I realize there are some troublesome things within myself that I’ve yet to deal with, or even recognize fully as issues. I’m home (NY) for the day and I found myself sitting in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Staring off into space and unaware of my thoughts or movement around me. My dad came in and saw me and asked if I was okay. My reply: “I don’t know what I am.” The thing is, I really don’t! I’m not sure if I’m sad, happy, lonely or just tired right now. I am numb today.

Upon further thought of “how do I feel?” (because my mother came in and asked me the same question my dad did, along with adding her own guesses, ie. tired and lonely) I’ve realized that I’ve bottled so much inside in the past couple of years. Things happen in my life and I just keep moving but I don’t really deal with them.

Last year I lost one of my best friends. Nothing happened to her, but we’re not friends anymore. I felt like she betrayed our friendship, and although I am not the one who did anything to her in my opinion, our other friends (for the most part) I feel, villainized me for being upset with her. Probably because she got to tell her side of the story first and come off seeming as if she hadn’t intended to hurt me. But she made conscious decisions to act on something she knew I would be upset about. Then decided to sit me down and tell me about it the day I got back into the country after burying my grandmother. Kick someone while they’re down much? Then I feel like I made an effort to forgive her and push things under the rug but wasn’t met with the same effort on her end. We never really talked about it at all. Why should I keep trying? I won’t. But not talking to her is not really dealing with it is it?? We still have the same circle of friends… Well she kinda invaded one of my circles, but I guess I did the same with one of hers so we’re sorta even. I won’t stop hanging out with my friends because I know she’ll be there. That’s childish. But as more and more of the story has unfolded in the past year, I find myself getting angrier. At this point I don’t even want to talk about it with her or hash anything out… I just want it to be over. I dunno, maybe this end was coming even if she hadn’t done what she did. Who knows? Good thing I have best friend number one, when number two fails. I just got tired of being made to feel like my anger wasn’t valid so I stopped talking and never really dealt. (Maybe I’ll talk about what the situation actually was in another post. )

I’m single. And although I feel like I’ve grown from the point of feeling like I need someone to now just wanting someone, it’s still very apparent that I am alone. There isn’t an end in sight to my oneness. I don’t think I’ve embraced it. I fill my voids with extra work and extra curriculars. I date, of course, because I like to go out… But I’m just not meeting the right ones. I told you all last year that I’d begun to internet date to see what the hype is. You would think that when a person makes a decision to put the time and effort into creating an online profile on a site meant for dating an people looking to meet their “someone”, disregarding the social stigmas that do still exist, they would take it seriously. So far I’ve met two guys that I was into that said all of the “right” things at first and had me thinking I may have come across something that could turn into something more than casual eventually, that turned out to be duds. Good dudes but they’re not looking for relationships. Then whyyyy sir, are you on a dating website? <– That was guy number 2. Guy number one is an entire post by himself! Frankly, I’m not looking for a relationship either, but I’m not counting them out. Actually I do want a relationship but who knows if you’re even someone I want to commit myself to?? Why are you telling me this? Even though I wasn’t at the point where I was thinking “relationship” yet, it was sort of a bruise to my ego/esteem when he called the other night seemingly just to tell me that. It brought back old feelings of rejection from other guys. That “what’s so undesirable about me?” feeling. I am almost 30 practically and never been in a “relationship” for more than 6 months. And that was only twice. I’ve dated men for well over a year, even two, but they never want to be in a relationship. But why would they? I overextend myself, I give, and I don’t ask for what I want in return. So why would they give up their option to hook up with someone else if they’re still getting everything they want from me without having to give anything? I realize this and I feel like I’ve recognized what I shouldn’t be doing but it hadn’t fully changed yet. And I haven’t fully dealt with that ugly duckling feeling that I used to have, mainly because of that “him” that used to tell me I was ugly every day. I made efforts to embrace my outward and shine outwardly, but I haven’t fully dealt with the inside.

I hate my job. I used to be confident when I spoke, take full credit for my work and not put my name on something until I was proud of it. Working in this place for the past 3 years has extinguished so much of me. I was pleasant, I smiled and I was happy to do things. I find that I can’t even breathe deeply in that building anymore. It’s such a depression that I’ve been placed into. It shows even through my phone conversation. I’m typically not a rude person. I know I have wonderful manners. I used to complain about the people who worked at my university and how much they seemed to hate their jobs and take it out on the students. I’ve become one of those women who are just sour! I had a woman call back to tell me how rude I was on the phone and ask my name. I sincerely had to apologize to her and check myself because she was right and I hadn’t even realized at the time what I was doing. She recognized my name and who I was and asked if I was having a bad day because she’s come in to my job so many times and I was always helpful and smiling. I felt so bad! Even now, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to complain about it anymore, I just want to do something about it.

All of these things are unresolved issues I’m my life right now and need to be fixed or come to terms with. Accepted? What am I waiting for?

Those Good Ol’ Boys Aren’t So Good Lately!

So I don’t usually use French Kissez to talk about politics, even though I have a degree in Poli Sci, and it’s one of my passions. But today I have no other choice.

By now, you’ve all heard about Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) heckling the President of the United States last night during his speech addressing his plans for health care reform. When President Obama was attempting to quell the rumors that illegal immigrants would be covered under his plan, Rep. Wilson decided it was appropriate to yell out “You lie!” — more than once! After he yelled it the first time, and Pres. Obama looked over at him and said “that’s not true”, he felt the need to repeat himself! Just in case someone missed it the first time. Smh – what’s up with these South Carolinian Republicans lately??

I couldn’t believe the blatant disrespect! I was also surprised that he was not removed from the venue. Seriously, I don’t understand why he felt it was OKAY to speak to (read: yell at) someone in such a high position of power in that manner. It was not the time or place. Of course we are all allowed to voice our opposition, that’s one of the great things about the US constitution and bi-partisanship. However, there are appropriate ways to do it. Never is it okay to heckle a President!

Even members of his own party condemned his actions.

I don’t know what’s going on with the Republican party but they are quickly losing their grip on credibility. Who is leading them? They don’t even know. They’re drowning quickly and can’t seem to save themselves. Since McCain – Palin ticket lost they’ve been scrambling to reconstruct themselves, and fighting amongst their party members on what the next move for them should be. I say, find a direction and go with it. quickly! I feel like another conservative/radical (oxymoronic?) party may emerge in the next few years… okay maybe that’s a stretch but I feel like I can no longer predict they’ll do next. From saying he’s not a US citizen to calling him a liar during an important national address, they’ll try anything to discredit the PoTUS.

On the bright side, Joe Wilson’s 2010 opponent Rob Miller raised $100,000 OVERNIGHT due to the outburst! LOL, think before you speak Mr. Wilson!

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few hours: Joe Wilson Heckles Obama << visit CNN.com for story & video

Tell me what you think in the comments section.

The Bluest Eye

Modern Day case of the Bluest Eye. . .

This beautiful woman traveled all the way to Panama from the UK to undergo surgery to get her eye color changed from brown to blue. I don’t understand it. I honestly believe that things like this… permanent augmentation of something about you that is natural and the norm among people of your race is some type of self-hatred. Who raids their savings account when they have 3 young children to take care of just so that they can get a surgery so trivial as this? I may be wrong, and this is just my opinion, but it’s NOT worth it. She risked becoming BLIND, since the surgery went WRONG and in the end she’s 3,000 pounds broker and her eyes are still BROWN! Way. To. Go! smdh

What are your thoughts?? Why do we still hate out eyes, our skin tone, our breast size in this day and age when there are SO many other things to be proud of. So many other reasons to keep our heads held high!

Where Are The Black Girls In The Videos??

Usually when I’m getting ready for work I turn on MTV Jams to soundtrack my morning prep. I like to just listen to the music and I don’t really watch the videos all the time, other than a glimpse here and there while I’m rushing- I’m always rushing, I haven’t been on time for work yet this year! LoL– but today I actually said eFF it, I’m gonna be late anyway and I paid attention to a few of them!

I’m was kinda disappointed to see that NONE of the video chicks looked like me! And when I say, “like me” I mean cute, petite, and A cupped Black. Okay, I wasn’t watching the regular MTV, I was watching MTVJams! This is supposed to be the Black Urban segment of MTV isn’t it? So why are all of these artists who look like me, casting models who look like “them”? 

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against diversifying the line-up. I’m all for it. BUT, when you have like 15 girls (ie Drake’s new video “Best I Ever Had”), and none of them even resemble your mama… what’s really going on? Are you sending the message that if they’re not light skinned (these video chicks aren’t even light skinned anymore really, they’re just “exotic”), long silky haired, with a big chest and bottom then they’re not what’s considered sexy? 

What’s really going on??

Anyway… that’s my rant! I’m done. But for examples of what I’m talking about… check the videos I saw this morning

Drake, Best I Ever Had

– Kid Cudi, Make Her Say

 – Jeremih, Birthday Sex

even Heavy D and his new Reggae image doesn’t want a Black girl!

-Heavy D, No Matter What  — I hope he knows that most Caribbean women are BLACK!