You Can’t See Through Smudgy Glasses

Photo Dec 16, 10 35 10 PM

Why don’t people say what they mean?? Especially in those times where it’s necessary to be transparent because it’s going to come back and bite us in our asses.

A man says “I’m not looking for a relationship, but if the right one comes along I may be open to it.” and a woman who was just  browsing the Jared’s website and sending links to her fellow single ladies will reply “Oh me either! I just want to date and go with the flow.” <– Why do we tell these lies out loud??

OR

A woman will say “I’ve been in a few situations where we weren’t on the same page and he wasn’t ready for a commitment and I was. I’m dating in hopes of being in a relationship at some point” (wait are we ever that straightforward? Yes, sometimes) and the man she’s speaking to will say “I think I’m ready to settle down. I’m at that age where I’m done with the games and I could be ready for something serious”. Despite all of the passive wording in his response he is convincing and she will let ALL of her guards down and let him in(to her heart her home and her vagina)! Immediately.

So what happens three or four months down line when he’s suddenly withdrawing from this woman who has prepared herself fully for “more” with this man who never really wanted to be in a relationship, not even just with her, but at all?? Neither of them were really honest about their intentions or expectations. She can’t understand why he’s no longer calling and texting like he used to. He’s not inviting her over anymore, they don’t go on dates now and she’s wondering why he hasn’t asked her about Valentine’s Day plans yet. It’s probably because she’s not, nor will she ever be his girlfriend, his wife or his Valentine.

(Here’s where I lost the rest of my post! But uhh… I tried to recreate the gist of it. Kinda failed, but I didn’t want to waste the 2 hours I spent writing this post -_- )

Just because you’re talking, spending time together regularly, checking in, having sex, and doing things that people who care about each other do doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. All of those ingredients aren’t necessarily the full recipe for a relationship. I’ll say again that I’m no relationship expert. In fact I know very little about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. A person can know all of the right things to put into a cake but if they don’t know how to mix it or how long to bake it then all you have is a bowl of eggs, flour and sugar and you can’t call that a cake, right??

It’s important to be clear in our intentions and expectations of one another to avoid these pseudo relationship situations. The world is a lot clearer when you wipe the finger smudges off your glasses! Why do we talk in codes and riddles, lying to ourselves and others in hopes that we say the right thing to make the other person like us?? Humans are tricky!

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Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.

Stunted Growth, Rendered Flightless… For a Time

This is Part ONE of this story…

The day before I turned 18, I got my first tattoo. This really rough graffiti-like drawing my friend did of my name. I got it tatted on the right side of my stomach. No, I did not get my name tattooed onto my body in fear of one day forgetting it. But it is definitely a constant reminder of who I was, and who I always wanted to be– me.  Back then I was headstrong and outspoken; the leader of several organizations/clubs in school. I was actively involved in my church, I sang everywhere with different choirs, and my best friend all over the state of NY.  Guys referred to me as “church girl” and none of them were really knocking down my door to date me. Everyone knew me, and I had a lot of friends, but I think it was more because I was so involved with everything that it was kind of hard not to. I wasn’t the pretty girl that all of the guys wanted to date. I guess I was the friend of those girls, rolling in the same circles but doing my own thing. I knew who I was and the plans I had for my future. Get good grades in high school, attend an HBCU for undergrad and then move onto law school immediately. Be married by 25 and have my first child at 27. That was my plan. That’s who Tiffany was supposed to be.

Around the time I got my first tattoo I was involved with this guy. He took me to get it. Got me the hook up on the price and his boy let me get it even though I was one day shy of being 18. He was only a year older than me but he seemed SO “worldly” in my 17-year-old eyes. He knew everyone, knew famous people. And I think I just felt special that he would be so closely involved with me. He changed the way I dressed, my vocabulary gained several colloquial terms, and my truck gained several thousand miles in that first year of ownership from driving him and his friends all over the state of NY. One would think that he had me dick whipped, but contrary to what everyone thought, we were just friends. We weren’t having sex,. We weren’t kissing. None of that. But that boy definitely made me believe I loved him and I needed him and that if I wasn’t with him, no one else would want me. To him, I was ugly because I didn’t have light-skin, long hair and double D’s, but I was lucky because he loved me anyway. I was his “best friend”. When I was with him I started to lose myself, becoming who I thought he wanted me to be in order to be worthy of remaining in his circle. His friends became my friends and my friends started to look at me funny. I was still doing all of the activities I’d been involved with before meeting him, but every other second of my life became consumed with his life.

I remember one time I was in the mall with him, he was supposed to be helping me to find a pair of jeans or something… because in my mind I couldn’t even buy my own clothes without a stamp approval from him.  I needed to look cool enough. Back then I had a two-way pager (remember those?). I had a small Talkabout and he had a bigger Timeport (I think?) with a color screen. I was in the dressing room and my pager went off. I read the message and it’s from him. “ Yo Jay. Dame”, he always misspells the word damn, smh “I hate walking around with Tiff. She’s so ugly! We in the mall, people think she’s my girl and shit” My heart sank. I think I just stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to do. He obviously meant to send that to his friend and accidentally sent the message to me. I finally got myself together, holding in my tears, my heart racing. I left the jeans in the dressing room and walked out. I found him and just said “let’s go”. He says “What’s wrong? You not getting the jeans?”, “ nope. Let’s just go”.  “Yo what’s wrong with you??” Then I lost it!  Well “losing it” for me back then was much different for me then than it is now. I addressed him about the page in a hushed but angry voice. I’ve never been one for public scenes. He goes off on me! Imagine that! Trying to convince me that he knew he sent it to me, and that it was a joke. I’m not a complete fool! I wasn’t buying it. Really, as I reflect on this, I don’t know why I didn’t just leave him in the mall. I drove us there. I drove us everywhere!

Every day he would make sure to tell me how opposite of beautiful I was, but also that he loved me and I know I love him too. When I cut my hair he ridiculed it because he only liked long hair… pretty much the only thing I had going for me in his eyes.  Then we started having sex. Everyone already thought we were doing it, no matter how much I disputed it. I lost myself even more. I desperately wanted to keep him.  We did it everywhere. To this day when someone asks me where the wildest place I’ve ever had sex is, my top 3 answers are still experiences I had with him. ::shaking my head::

He would borrow my car while I was at school or at work. When he picked me up the tank would be on E and it would be obvious there had been girls in my car. One day he actually had the nerve to pick me up with the chicks (yes, plural) still in my car, and his friend in the back seat with them. I noticed he was talking in vague language. Somewhere during the car ride, it became apparent to me that one of the girls was his newest “girl friend”… and she fit his description of his “type”. Why didn’t I say anything? I just shut up and sat up front listening to their light back and forth banter as he drove the 5 of us in MY car to take them home.  I have no idea why I let him disrespect me so much. Maybe I thought no one else wanted me anyway, so this is what I had to do.

I was giving him money. Sometimes he would pay me back, but usually he wouldn’t. He used to throw parties and I used to help him with that, promoting it. He was a self-proclaimed “baller”. Word, he had stacks sometimes, but he never spent any of it on me, but when he didn’t have it I was there riding for him and catching the slack when something needed to be paid. His first car, it was me who helped him with his down payment.  And when the girls were saying it wasn’t cool enough for him, I helped him get his next one a couple of months later.

About that time I started being resentful. But I never stopped being in his shadow.  I remember the night the shit started to hit the fan. It was summer time. I made a date with this dude who I knew he had some small beef with. He was chilling at our usual spot and I got dressed up for my date, and went to the spot to drop some money off for him and when he saw what I had on he asked me where I was going and with who. And I told him. Even though he was fucking around, he made me remind him whose I was. I told him I loved him and I left for my date. The dude and I went to the midnight showing of Goldmember on 42nd Street. Before we were even halfway through the movie my cell phone started going off. It was my mother telling me I needed to come home NOW. I was at the movies! She didn’t care, I had been out and coming in late too much and I needed to get my ass off the streets and come home. Really, this guy had me “losing my mind” according to my mother. I’m sure she thought I was doing drugs or something. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was out all times of night with him. So on this night when I actually wasn’t even with him, she’d had enough. Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone.

“Almost Doesn’t Count . . . and Neither Does This!” ( Part II )


Hopefully you read Part One posted earlier today. Please don’t be mistaken by what I said though. Even though I encourage not telling men exactly what your “body count” is, you definitely need to keep track of the accurate number. Women should know when enough is enough and you’re teetering on the line between sexually liberated and just plain loose.

Here are some tips and helpful hints for you ladies who wish to alter your number, but aren’t quite sure how! There are some guidelines. You can’t just pick an arbitrary number, because some of them just don’t make sense.

  • One Night Stands – this one may seem obvious, however not all one night stands can be eliminated. If it happened once, and you never spoke to them again, or you see him/her and always walk the other way avoiding eye contact, you don’t have to count it. [An exception to this rule is if you steadily have one night stands with people… you can’t eliminate them all!] BUT, if you’re friends with this person and you had sex with them… when you get into your next relationship, you have to tell your significant other that you’ve had sex with this “friend”.
  • If you don’t remember it, you can’t count it!– I don’t mean the times you got super drunk and went home with someone (although some of you might want to exclude those times from your number as well). I’m talking about the time you just weren’t sure penetration occurred. If it started and finished before you had full knowledge of the interaction… it doesn’t count! LoL trust me this has happened to me more than once… it was just over before I even knew he’d begun… you better believe that those 2 encounters have been crossed off my list!
  • All relationships count!- Even if you hate him now, if he was once considered the man in your life. You MUST count him. It doesn’t even make sense (for most adults in 2010) to have a lower sex count than relationship count. AND if you’re like me, and you always get stuck in the “talking to” stage for years at a time, all of those count too. I don’t think anyone would believe me if they knew I was seeing this guy for 1.5 years and we never got it in… if we weren’t having sex, I probably would’ve left! LoL
  • Oral Sex/Hand Jobs/Toys (Manual)- If there was only tongue/hand action and especially if it wasn’t my hand or mouth, it doesn’t count. If the woman is the one doing the penetrating and he doesn’t penetrate her. . .It counts!! No matter how much he denies it. (LMAO!! This is CocktailJay’s input) Toys… that’s not real sex… LoL ß this entire bullet was meant for my amusement.
  • Time- Honestly sometimes I just don’t count it if it was a really long time ago and I don’t care for the person. They don’t make it onto my public count. However, time isn’t an eliminator for everyone. Of course people like your “first” do count, and like I said already, your exes always count. But I’m not telling my current interest about that “one time, in high school. . .” ::band camp voice:: He just doesn’t need to know that.

Okay, I’m done for now. But PLEASE keep in mind that not all of these apply to my own life, and these are hypothetical situations! I don’t follow these rules to the T.  I haven’t even experienced all of these situations. I am just putting out my opinion (with a few embellishments & some humor). ALSO I think that in an actual relationship you should feel safe enough to divulge your actual number with your partner. I reserve my Public Count for people who are just being nosey and for men I’m just dating/flinging with. I guess any man I get into a relationship with better wait until we make it official to ask me the big question if he wants a definite answer!

P.S. – I got a few angry men contacting me today about Part One… maybe this will answer some of your questions, maybe it’ll make it worse… Please leave ALL concerns in the COMMENTS section. Do NOT Facebook me, google wave me, email my personal account, or Twitter me on my personal Twitter account (hit me up on @FrenchKissez is you must)!! It’s just a blog people.

“Almost Doesn’t Count . . . and Neither Does This!” ( Part I )


We all know that we live in a world full of double standards between men and women. Men are allowed– encouraged even, to embrace and explore their sexual prowess. And on the other hand, women are taught as little girls not to bring their milkshakes to every little boy’s yard. In fact, don’t even think about milkshakes! And if you happen to start making milkshakes, only VANILLA! LoL in other words, real ladies are supposed to be sexually meek and mildly mannered.

In this day and age when we are surrounded by sexual images everywhere from the innuendos in cartoons to booty poppin’ in videos & random hookups on reality tv, the “good-girl” expectations have become more and more unrealistic. I really believe these “rules” also lead to sexual frustration among women (and the men who want to do them) if they are to be followed. How do you explain to your man the reason he’s only getting missionary when he saw some chick in a movie the other day doing a headstand?? Mild-mannered women just can’t compete! Fact. If what he wants is a corkscrew and all he’s getting from his woman is a regular, he will find the “freak” to give it to him. I’m all for pulling out all the tricks to please someone I’m in a committed relationship with. However, it doesn’t make me any less of a lady… You gotta practice the tricks, and men are quicker to give up on or step outside of a relationship they aren’t sexually satisfied in. I’m not encouraging women to be loose with their sexual activities, but I’m not the type of person to call another woman a whore because she’s practicing her craft. So what is a woman to do?

I think it’s deplorable that men still call women who are 25 and older “rollers” just because they may know of one or maybe two men she’s slept with. Maybe her sleep number is at a 10. I don’t think that’s a whore. I think that’s a woman who may not have found exactly what she’s looking for yet. Things happen in every interaction with a man, maybe he used her, maybe things just didn’t work out between them. If her sleep number is at a 7, or a 10 shoot, even a 15 I don’t think she should be judged. When a man of the same age who has slept with 15 women is not branded with a bad reputation but applauded and encouraged to “keep going, don’t settle down, you’re too young!” Well if all of the 25-27 year old men are on number 15 and not ready to settle down, what are the young women supposed to be doing while waiting for him to finish sowing his oats? Act like we don’t experience the same urges? Let’s be realistic. These men aren’t sleeping with imaginary women, so why should they be considered hoes?

I refuse to be honest about the number of men I’ve slept with, and I encourage ALL women to alter their count as well. If it’s high, lower it, and if it’s low, raise it! It’s no one’s business anyway. Either way, you shall be judged and he probably won’t believe you. Plus, some encounters just DO NOT count! 😉

This got a little long-winded, so I’m going to put up a separate post on how to edit your numbers. Which partners “legitimately” just don’t count, and which ones you cannot escape!

“Say What??” – by CallMeKarrie

CallMeKarrie is BACK with another post!

When you are single and trying to mingle, there is never a dull moment.  While some “courting” practices (& I use that phrase very loosely because I’m not sure if most people still know what that is… it’s a lost art just like chivalry and lady-like sophistication but I digress) have become very common, every once in a while, I still encounter a guy that makes me say “did he really just say that?”

I haven’t been out on the scene much lately but I can always count on my friends for great material.  The story I’m about to tell you is so ridiculous, I couldn’t have made it up if I tried…

Last Wednesday, I helped one of my faves celebrate her birthday at Josephine’s.  I must admit, it usually takes wild horses to get me out of the house on a weeknight but I really am glad I decided to go not only because my friend was super surprised and we had a good time, but because I got to see the subject of this post with my own two eyes.  This particular clown (who henceforth shall be know as CB which is short for Clown Boy) had walked passed our table several times and near the end of the night finally got enough nerve to approach.  He walked over to my girl E and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  Very confident E replied “no, I don’t think you do” so CB replied “yes I do, I met you at Lux the other night.”  Knowing she hadn’t been to Lux or ever seen this dude a day in her life, E said “no, that def wasn’t me.”  At this point I decided to walk away because there is no sadder sight than a guy unsuccessfully trying to run game.

I walked slightly ahead of my friends as we exited Josephine’s and when I turned around I realized that CB was now rapping to my other friend J.  Not wanting to hear his tired game a second time, I got in my car and rode off.

A few days later, the girls and I gathered for happy hour.  After checking her messages, J exclaims “OMG, this guy is crazy!”  She was referring to none other than the infamous CB.  This is how J recalled the last few days of interactions with CB:

When we left the club, CB walked over to me and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  I told him no and he said that he met me the other night at the Wizards’ party at Lux (at this point I interject and said that this is the exact same line he pulled on E… now J knows that CB is even crazier than she thought).  I told him he had me mistaken and he replied “my man Gilbert Arenas introduced us, I would call him now but he’s busy.”  (Ha!  Boy, bye…)  The more I tell him he doesn’t know me, the more he keeps talking.  “I tried to get your attention when you first walked in Josephine’s.  I was out front in the Phantom.  I know you seen me, I was in a PHANTOM!… oh ok, you probably just don’t know what a Phantom is.”  (Oh no he didn’t!!!  lmao).

Anyways, because he mentioned buying a house, I gave CB my number (J’s a real estate agent) and got in my car.  From the time we left the club until a few hours later when I got up the next day, this fool called me five times!!!  (Sir, these are not business hours)  Of course I didn’t answer so the next day, this fool calls me from a different number.  Because I use my cell for business, I answered suspecting it may be a client but instead it’s CB pretending to be someone else.  (where they do that at???)  He’s like “hey J, this is ‘MIKE’… I just wanted to invite you to my birthday party.”  So, I ask this ‘MIKE’ knowing full well that it’s CB how he knows me and he says “I met you the other night at Park.”  (FAIL again J hasn’t been to Park lately)  I ask if he’s sure he didn’t meet me the other night at Josephine’s and this is his response:  “no, but I saw you there.  I wanted to come over and say hi but you were with that dude CB… naw, I don’t know CB like that but I hear he’s a cool dude.  If I had a sister, I would hook her up with him.  He got a Phantom.”

WTF & LOL!!!  Let’s suppose for a minute that CB is really friends with Gilbert Arenas and drives a Phantom (although I’m sure it’s all a fairy tale), is this what some guys consider game???  Mind you, I left out other details including his McMansion in Northern VA that he told my friend was off her radar, but I thought this was bad enough.  Smh.  Ok, I’m done.  I’ll let you be the judge.  Is this dude serious & did he really just say that???

They call me Karrie but I swear stories like this write themselves.  🙂

Dr. Deception

I met this gentleman at a restaurant several months ago when I was promoting a speed dating event I was doing with the ladies of CocktailOur. He was so handsome, caribbean accent (I’m a sucka for those), well dressed, nice teeth and a doctorate degree in Mathematics! Well hello sir, how did you make your way out of my dreams to find me here in this restaurant?! We conversed at the bar for a bit and of course being as bold as I am (with a little coaxing from CocktailKay &Jay) I got his phone number and gave him mine before I left. I hadn’t even made it home before he was texting me to say “hey it was nice meeting you, when will I see you again?”.

We talked a couple late nights on the phone, and he revealed that he was in a relationship. His words were more like “I’m not married, but I’m involved with someone.” Uhm. . . Excuse me?? Well why did you give me your number then? He was attracted to me, he said. Okay, well fair enough, I can be charming when I decide to crack a smile! LoL Of course as expected this man was just too good to be true. We’ve still continued to talk on and off during the past few months. He’s tried to convince me to come meet him for a drink once or twice, but I declined. He doesn’t really  try to take me out anymore, but he still flirts. I liked him, he’s a nice guy, with a lot going for him. But I would never purposely go after a man who is in a relationship, despite the fact that this man lives in a gated community, and is a college professor in early thirties (I did say I want a slightly older man). His woman is lucky to have snatched him up!

Too bad today I found out that he is indeed MARRIED! Now ain’t that a B*TCH!

Moral of the Story: Even the seemingly “good guys” lie! (Ugh, I hate to sound like a man hater, but dammit! I will say that I do acknowledge that women lie & cheat too.)