Valentine’s Day!

French Kissez hosted Speed Dating for Trix and Zeke on Valentine’s Day, sponsored by Ciroc Red Berry Vodka! Check out the pics on their site.  <– click it. Now. lol

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Like a Knife

Way worse than anything he ever did to me, was when he said to me

“I never loved you…”

Aahhhmm Baaaaack (Like Weezy!)

Sooo I can’t even BEGIN to explain to you all how much of a crrrraaaaaazzzzyyyyy month and a half it’s been! Whew! But I AM BACK! Miss me?? Awww, I missed you too! 😉

Anyway, I’ve been thinking today (nope, I don’t think every day)! I weighed some things on my mind’s proverbial scale and have come to a conclusion: I HAVE COMMITMENT issues!!! Feels good to finally get that off my chest. I’ve had sinking suspicions of this for a while now, but never wanted to own up to it.

Yes, yes I know… I’m always talking about “wanting” someone. And I do, I do. I want companionship, love, cuddling, the feeling of being wanted in return; all of that mushy goodness. But the thought of possibly being with the same someone (and only that someone) for more than a few months or a year is actually  pretty terrifying to me! Like, shaking in my boots, break out in hives, anxiety attack type of scared! I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually experienced this and I have no idea how you people do it. Or maybe it’s because deep down I just want several deep connections with several men through out my years? LoL I doubt it’s the last one. Possibly a fear of making a connection that deep with someone, getting familiar and comfortable with that person in my space and knowing that there’s always the possibility that they’ll get over me and move along, or do something else hurtful. I’ve gotten so used to being unattached, un-expectant and guarded.

This opportunity  to jump off a building attached to a bungee cord (that’s how I imagine it feeling) has never fully presented itself to me. Uhh ::looks around:: yeah, I’m 26 and have NEVER been in a committed relationship over 6 months, who’s asking?! Shoot I’ve only been in 2 “relationships” period. That’s why I call myself a serial dater. I date… I’ve had “dates” that lasted much longer than any of my boyfriends. The option for me to see someone else was always there. I could very easily wake up one morning and decide I no longer wanted to respond to “his” phone calls anymore and there wouldn’t be anything lost. <— yeah right, it’s never been that easy. But in essence that’s all it could have taken!

Anyway… the closer I get to taking this leap, the more nervous I get. Every time I think to broach the subject, I clam up! I always have that “I’m not ready!” thought.

I guess now I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to bring it up… he might, he might not. Hopefully I won’t feel like the Boogy Monster just appeared in my room. I want to be open to saying YES! But uhhh yeah… I’m not sure. LoL

Waaaaiiiit, maybe I don’t have a fear of commitment, I might have a fear of rejection??

Guys, I need therapy, what do you think?? Orr I’ll just keep blogging instead because it’s free! 😉

Limbo is a Game I Played as a Child

This week, I’ve been going through a little thing; my own internal battle.

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over two months. I actually met him online. Go figure! My experiment worked. Actually I guess I can’t say that it “worked”, because he’s not my boyfriend yet, ::fingers crossed:: but it’s been going well in my opinion. I have tried to approach this situation differently than I’ve done in the past. I’m not necessarily changing who I am, because I really have trouble changing me.  I am definitely trying to loosen up and not be so uptight. I want to be able to relax and let things take their natural course.  But herein lies my problem.

There are only two men that I can refer to as “my ex boyfriend” since I’ve been an adult. Neither one of those relationships lasted more than 6 months.  I’m not even really sure I can count those either since they were so short. I did love them both. Or at least I was convinced I loved them when we were together. Amazingly, my longest stints with men have been outside the confines of the title “boyfriend & girlfriend”.  If you read my blog, you probably already know these facts about me. But I’m just giving a background for those of you who don’t know. I am famous for sticking it through with men who did not want to be committed to me, or anyone else for that matter. Yet, I was faithful to them because their actions told me something different from their words..

These men (two in particular) and I would spend so much time together it was almost  (almost) impossible for either of us to see anyone else. We did all of the things that couples do, but couldn’t exactly be classified as one.  I won’t get into all of the things I gave to these dudes and did for them, cause that’s not what I want to focus on for this post. The point is simply that we were essentially in a relationship without the title, each time for over a year even two years. Both of these situations just left me feeling disappointed, hurt and definitely used once I decided to leave them by the wayside, realizing that it was never going to be more than limbo.

Limbo for the purpose of this post refers to the place in between “just dating” and “relationship” (although, every interaction with anyone, friend, family, love interest is a relationship, of course but y’all understand what I mean!). It’s the confusing, scary, shaky bridge that men and women have to cross to get from one side to the other.  I picture myself in an Indiana Jones-like setting, standing with one foot in relationship land and the other still on the bridge, while I’m grasping at the hand of a Him who is just standing there perfectly comfortable 2 steps away. He’s standing there looking like he’s enjoying the view but would rather just go back to where he came from. He hears me trying to get his attention, feels me tugging for him to just take those last few steps and join me, but I’m being brushed off.

What a desperate scene! It’s the role I’ve played several times though. I don’t want to do that this time. So I asked my current suitor when we first started dating, after all the pleasantries and polite conversations if what he wanted was to just date someone or if his goal was a relationship. He said relationship.”Yes!

Here were are a couple of months in and he’s dropping lines like “why can’t we just be two people who enjoy each other’s company?” during normal conversation. He said “Go by my actions, don’t I act like I like you?” when I asked him why he said “I’m sure you can tell I like you a little bit”… brrr? Just a little bit??  Well sir, I’m confused! Your actions say you like me more than a little bit. I feel us falling into that place of limbo where he’s getting comfortable with the way things are. He spends his free time with me, he treats me well but now his words are starting to contradict his actions. Everything he does indicates that we’re headed toward more-than-just-this, but now the things he says don’t tell me that. So what do I do now, sir? Am I supposed to go by your actions like you’re telling me, or do I listen to what you’re saying and nip this shit in the bud??

In the past I’ve gone by the actions of men I cared about. I thought “hey he wants to be with me, why else would we be doing all of this?” while he was telling me “No, this isn’t want I want.” I was afraid to just let go because what if he changed his mind? What if he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose me??

Yesterday, I was explaining to my friend (signedmissyoung) about my usual predicament and what stuck with me was  “If ‘if’ was a fifth then we’d all be drunk!” ← Read it again. Let it soak in.  Seriously, I’ve gotten so drunk on “ifs” I stopped rationalizing properly. I should have been saying “Self! If he wanted to be committed to you, then he would be. Get it together and move along.”

Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not trying to rope this man into a committed situation with me after only 2 months of knowing each other! I don’t even know if I want to be his girlfriend. I just want to know that the option is there. What is the point of getting to know someone  & spending time together if one of the involved parties already knows there’s no possibility of moving forward? I guess it’s all right when you’re younger. It was less consequential when I was in college. Even right out of undergrad. I had time.  But at the stage in my life that I’m in right now — I’m not old and out of time just yet so I said “stage” not “age”—I want something that has the potential of a future.  This time around I’m paying attention to the signs. I refuse to spend too much time in limbo once again. Maybe I’ll give myself a personal marker of how long is too long to be here. After a certain, much shorter than usual period of time I’ll cut my losses and move on. This time it will be before I’m intoxicated by love and what ifs (yikes! at the thought of loving someone again).

PS. That picture at the top has nothing to do with the post. LoL, just wanted to show you guys my “transition hair”… I’ve been experimenting lately! 😉

Oh yeah, and go check out www.CocktailOur.blogspot.com to download their first podcast! They touched on a similar subject.

Am I Supposed to Be the Cat or the Mouse?

I’ve never been good at the cat and mouse game men and women are
supposed to play when dating!

Once I decide I like a guy I always want to just lay all my cards face
up on the table and hand them over to him. And then I want him to take
them, accept them and on top of that I want him to actually want to keep them too. But through my
experiences I’ve learned that this really isn’t a smart strategy for
this game. You can’t make someone want you just because of how you feel about them.

So when I try to play my cards close to my chest, I come off as aloof
and maybe disinterested and they in turn lose interest as well.

I’ve written several times that I don’t do well with finding the happy
medium in most situations relating to dating.

What do you guys do when you start dating someone?? The goal is to
keep their interest but at the same time not put yourself out there
too much & get your feelings hurt when they’re not as open to
receiving you as you’d hoped. How does one accomplish this?
What’s your method for sealing the deal?

Last Speed Dating Event of the Summer

If you’re like me and you’re trying to get through this thing called dating, QUICKLY, then you should be at this event on Monday!

FrenchKissez in collaboration with 5Starr Productions is doing our last SPEED DATING event of the summer!! If you’ve never tried speed dating before, it’s guaranteed to at least be a fun new experience. Maybe you’ll even meet your next ex 😉

Last month the cupcakes I baked were a hit, and the shots were flowing (yeah, they were FREE!) Definitely a good time.

Mingle Mondays take place at Club Reality – 2625 Washington Blvd, Baltimore, MD — Sign up begins at 7pm AUGUST 16th

Did I mention this is a FREE event?? Come for dates and stay for the after party. Don’t forget to ask about the drink specials!

There are pool tables, and food too… so if you just want to come and hang out after work, join me! Come out and meet me, I love and appreciate the support!  Can’t wait to see all of you there!!

Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.