Like a Knife

Way worse than anything he ever did to me, was when he said to me

“I never loved you…”

Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.

Stunted Growth, Rendered Flightless… For a Time

This is Part ONE of this story…

The day before I turned 18, I got my first tattoo. This really rough graffiti-like drawing my friend did of my name. I got it tatted on the right side of my stomach. No, I did not get my name tattooed onto my body in fear of one day forgetting it. But it is definitely a constant reminder of who I was, and who I always wanted to be– me.  Back then I was headstrong and outspoken; the leader of several organizations/clubs in school. I was actively involved in my church, I sang everywhere with different choirs, and my best friend all over the state of NY.  Guys referred to me as “church girl” and none of them were really knocking down my door to date me. Everyone knew me, and I had a lot of friends, but I think it was more because I was so involved with everything that it was kind of hard not to. I wasn’t the pretty girl that all of the guys wanted to date. I guess I was the friend of those girls, rolling in the same circles but doing my own thing. I knew who I was and the plans I had for my future. Get good grades in high school, attend an HBCU for undergrad and then move onto law school immediately. Be married by 25 and have my first child at 27. That was my plan. That’s who Tiffany was supposed to be.

Around the time I got my first tattoo I was involved with this guy. He took me to get it. Got me the hook up on the price and his boy let me get it even though I was one day shy of being 18. He was only a year older than me but he seemed SO “worldly” in my 17-year-old eyes. He knew everyone, knew famous people. And I think I just felt special that he would be so closely involved with me. He changed the way I dressed, my vocabulary gained several colloquial terms, and my truck gained several thousand miles in that first year of ownership from driving him and his friends all over the state of NY. One would think that he had me dick whipped, but contrary to what everyone thought, we were just friends. We weren’t having sex,. We weren’t kissing. None of that. But that boy definitely made me believe I loved him and I needed him and that if I wasn’t with him, no one else would want me. To him, I was ugly because I didn’t have light-skin, long hair and double D’s, but I was lucky because he loved me anyway. I was his “best friend”. When I was with him I started to lose myself, becoming who I thought he wanted me to be in order to be worthy of remaining in his circle. His friends became my friends and my friends started to look at me funny. I was still doing all of the activities I’d been involved with before meeting him, but every other second of my life became consumed with his life.

I remember one time I was in the mall with him, he was supposed to be helping me to find a pair of jeans or something… because in my mind I couldn’t even buy my own clothes without a stamp approval from him.  I needed to look cool enough. Back then I had a two-way pager (remember those?). I had a small Talkabout and he had a bigger Timeport (I think?) with a color screen. I was in the dressing room and my pager went off. I read the message and it’s from him. “ Yo Jay. Dame”, he always misspells the word damn, smh “I hate walking around with Tiff. She’s so ugly! We in the mall, people think she’s my girl and shit” My heart sank. I think I just stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to do. He obviously meant to send that to his friend and accidentally sent the message to me. I finally got myself together, holding in my tears, my heart racing. I left the jeans in the dressing room and walked out. I found him and just said “let’s go”. He says “What’s wrong? You not getting the jeans?”, “ nope. Let’s just go”.  “Yo what’s wrong with you??” Then I lost it!  Well “losing it” for me back then was much different for me then than it is now. I addressed him about the page in a hushed but angry voice. I’ve never been one for public scenes. He goes off on me! Imagine that! Trying to convince me that he knew he sent it to me, and that it was a joke. I’m not a complete fool! I wasn’t buying it. Really, as I reflect on this, I don’t know why I didn’t just leave him in the mall. I drove us there. I drove us everywhere!

Every day he would make sure to tell me how opposite of beautiful I was, but also that he loved me and I know I love him too. When I cut my hair he ridiculed it because he only liked long hair… pretty much the only thing I had going for me in his eyes.  Then we started having sex. Everyone already thought we were doing it, no matter how much I disputed it. I lost myself even more. I desperately wanted to keep him.  We did it everywhere. To this day when someone asks me where the wildest place I’ve ever had sex is, my top 3 answers are still experiences I had with him. ::shaking my head::

He would borrow my car while I was at school or at work. When he picked me up the tank would be on E and it would be obvious there had been girls in my car. One day he actually had the nerve to pick me up with the chicks (yes, plural) still in my car, and his friend in the back seat with them. I noticed he was talking in vague language. Somewhere during the car ride, it became apparent to me that one of the girls was his newest “girl friend”… and she fit his description of his “type”. Why didn’t I say anything? I just shut up and sat up front listening to their light back and forth banter as he drove the 5 of us in MY car to take them home.  I have no idea why I let him disrespect me so much. Maybe I thought no one else wanted me anyway, so this is what I had to do.

I was giving him money. Sometimes he would pay me back, but usually he wouldn’t. He used to throw parties and I used to help him with that, promoting it. He was a self-proclaimed “baller”. Word, he had stacks sometimes, but he never spent any of it on me, but when he didn’t have it I was there riding for him and catching the slack when something needed to be paid. His first car, it was me who helped him with his down payment.  And when the girls were saying it wasn’t cool enough for him, I helped him get his next one a couple of months later.

About that time I started being resentful. But I never stopped being in his shadow.  I remember the night the shit started to hit the fan. It was summer time. I made a date with this dude who I knew he had some small beef with. He was chilling at our usual spot and I got dressed up for my date, and went to the spot to drop some money off for him and when he saw what I had on he asked me where I was going and with who. And I told him. Even though he was fucking around, he made me remind him whose I was. I told him I loved him and I left for my date. The dude and I went to the midnight showing of Goldmember on 42nd Street. Before we were even halfway through the movie my cell phone started going off. It was my mother telling me I needed to come home NOW. I was at the movies! She didn’t care, I had been out and coming in late too much and I needed to get my ass off the streets and come home. Really, this guy had me “losing my mind” according to my mother. I’m sure she thought I was doing drugs or something. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was out all times of night with him. So on this night when I actually wasn’t even with him, she’d had enough. Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone.

Golden Tickets for Everybody!!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been fooled by a Golden Ticket.

I’m talking about Magnum Condoms. Sometimes they just aren’t necessary! There’s no impatient drug store clerk yelling over the intercom for a price check on your regular sized condoms. That’s just for tv.

Remember in the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (by Roald Dahl… or the adapted movie “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”) EVERYONE wanted a golden ticket so they could get into the Factory and witness all of it’s treasures? People were even forging their own Golden Tickets just to get inside. That millionaire from Paraguay had everyone fooled for a little bit. People thought he found the last golden ticket and turns out he was a fraud!

I get upset when my hopes are baited by the golden wrapper and when it’s put in place it doesn’t even fit! WTF, who wants to have a sex with a baggy condom?? Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose? You’re not protecting anyone against pregnancy or diseases if you can’t even keep it on.

If a man wears Magnums solely because of the name and not because he needs them does he not realize that it looks foolish?? Dude, your penis looks WAY smaller in a baggy Magnum than it would in a regular sized condom. A loosely fitting condom gets all slippery (and not in a good way!) and needs to constantly be adjusted. Definitely a mood destructor. I think that would be way more embarrassing and annoying than any intercom price check announcement. Do condoms even come in “size small??” LoL

Anyway, I was on Twitter today and someone tweeted that Ludacris is the new face for Magnum’s most recent campaign. Why not? If he’s Black and he’s a rapper then of course he has a giant penis to go along with his larger than life personality! Right? I won’t even delve into the obvious stereotype that could be implied here. (smh)

…I wonder if the people over at Trojan noticed Ludacris is only like 5’2″. I’ve always heard big things come in little packages! Maybe Ludacris whipped out his wang auditioned for this role.

Apparently Magnum is the most popular condom among African Americans. Not sure where Trojan got their stats from but, whatever. I’m sure Black men and women feed into the bull and buy them just for the “status”. Adding a rapper into the mix just makes sense (straight face). Personally I would’ve gone with someone like Flo Rida or David Banner… Now they look like they could fit a Magnum! 😉

Check out the NYT article for yourself here.

Definitely a DIFFERENT World

Why didn’t I find a husband in college? Things would be so much easier. I’m so over this single-life thing. How many of you went to college thinking you were going to meet the Cliff to your Claire or the Whitley to your Dwayne? I know I can’t be the only one! I blame the Huxtables and a Different World. They LIED! All of the relationships I got out of college, I’d rather leave there. The memories never to be resurrected again. Half of the men boys I dated in school, I don’t allow myself to even speak their names. Yes, that’s how bad it was. I’m going to write my own sitcom about the Black College experience. I’m sure all of these dating stories I have will be enough to power through a few seasons!

#Hoodwinked.

“Say What??” – by CallMeKarrie

CallMeKarrie is BACK with another post!

When you are single and trying to mingle, there is never a dull moment.  While some “courting” practices (& I use that phrase very loosely because I’m not sure if most people still know what that is… it’s a lost art just like chivalry and lady-like sophistication but I digress) have become very common, every once in a while, I still encounter a guy that makes me say “did he really just say that?”

I haven’t been out on the scene much lately but I can always count on my friends for great material.  The story I’m about to tell you is so ridiculous, I couldn’t have made it up if I tried…

Last Wednesday, I helped one of my faves celebrate her birthday at Josephine’s.  I must admit, it usually takes wild horses to get me out of the house on a weeknight but I really am glad I decided to go not only because my friend was super surprised and we had a good time, but because I got to see the subject of this post with my own two eyes.  This particular clown (who henceforth shall be know as CB which is short for Clown Boy) had walked passed our table several times and near the end of the night finally got enough nerve to approach.  He walked over to my girl E and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  Very confident E replied “no, I don’t think you do” so CB replied “yes I do, I met you at Lux the other night.”  Knowing she hadn’t been to Lux or ever seen this dude a day in her life, E said “no, that def wasn’t me.”  At this point I decided to walk away because there is no sadder sight than a guy unsuccessfully trying to run game.

I walked slightly ahead of my friends as we exited Josephine’s and when I turned around I realized that CB was now rapping to my other friend J.  Not wanting to hear his tired game a second time, I got in my car and rode off.

A few days later, the girls and I gathered for happy hour.  After checking her messages, J exclaims “OMG, this guy is crazy!”  She was referring to none other than the infamous CB.  This is how J recalled the last few days of interactions with CB:

When we left the club, CB walked over to me and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  I told him no and he said that he met me the other night at the Wizards’ party at Lux (at this point I interject and said that this is the exact same line he pulled on E… now J knows that CB is even crazier than she thought).  I told him he had me mistaken and he replied “my man Gilbert Arenas introduced us, I would call him now but he’s busy.”  (Ha!  Boy, bye…)  The more I tell him he doesn’t know me, the more he keeps talking.  “I tried to get your attention when you first walked in Josephine’s.  I was out front in the Phantom.  I know you seen me, I was in a PHANTOM!… oh ok, you probably just don’t know what a Phantom is.”  (Oh no he didn’t!!!  lmao).

Anyways, because he mentioned buying a house, I gave CB my number (J’s a real estate agent) and got in my car.  From the time we left the club until a few hours later when I got up the next day, this fool called me five times!!!  (Sir, these are not business hours)  Of course I didn’t answer so the next day, this fool calls me from a different number.  Because I use my cell for business, I answered suspecting it may be a client but instead it’s CB pretending to be someone else.  (where they do that at???)  He’s like “hey J, this is ‘MIKE’… I just wanted to invite you to my birthday party.”  So, I ask this ‘MIKE’ knowing full well that it’s CB how he knows me and he says “I met you the other night at Park.”  (FAIL again J hasn’t been to Park lately)  I ask if he’s sure he didn’t meet me the other night at Josephine’s and this is his response:  “no, but I saw you there.  I wanted to come over and say hi but you were with that dude CB… naw, I don’t know CB like that but I hear he’s a cool dude.  If I had a sister, I would hook her up with him.  He got a Phantom.”

WTF & LOL!!!  Let’s suppose for a minute that CB is really friends with Gilbert Arenas and drives a Phantom (although I’m sure it’s all a fairy tale), is this what some guys consider game???  Mind you, I left out other details including his McMansion in Northern VA that he told my friend was off her radar, but I thought this was bad enough.  Smh.  Ok, I’m done.  I’ll let you be the judge.  Is this dude serious & did he really just say that???

They call me Karrie but I swear stories like this write themselves.  🙂

Dr. Deception

I met this gentleman at a restaurant several months ago when I was promoting a speed dating event I was doing with the ladies of CocktailOur. He was so handsome, caribbean accent (I’m a sucka for those), well dressed, nice teeth and a doctorate degree in Mathematics! Well hello sir, how did you make your way out of my dreams to find me here in this restaurant?! We conversed at the bar for a bit and of course being as bold as I am (with a little coaxing from CocktailKay &Jay) I got his phone number and gave him mine before I left. I hadn’t even made it home before he was texting me to say “hey it was nice meeting you, when will I see you again?”.

We talked a couple late nights on the phone, and he revealed that he was in a relationship. His words were more like “I’m not married, but I’m involved with someone.” Uhm. . . Excuse me?? Well why did you give me your number then? He was attracted to me, he said. Okay, well fair enough, I can be charming when I decide to crack a smile! LoL Of course as expected this man was just too good to be true. We’ve still continued to talk on and off during the past few months. He’s tried to convince me to come meet him for a drink once or twice, but I declined. He doesn’t really  try to take me out anymore, but he still flirts. I liked him, he’s a nice guy, with a lot going for him. But I would never purposely go after a man who is in a relationship, despite the fact that this man lives in a gated community, and is a college professor in early thirties (I did say I want a slightly older man). His woman is lucky to have snatched him up!

Too bad today I found out that he is indeed MARRIED! Now ain’t that a B*TCH!

Moral of the Story: Even the seemingly “good guys” lie! (Ugh, I hate to sound like a man hater, but dammit! I will say that I do acknowledge that women lie & cheat too.)