I have to take …

I have to take a minute to stop and pray when I have days that begin this way . . .

Woke up late today. Heavy feeling in my chest. Had a disagreement in a text that began with “good morning” <– those are supposed to be sweet aren’t they? Now I’m sitting at my desk feeling so blah. Ugh, I hate this figurative place.

Good Morning

.Image
 
My shower gets crowded in the morning.
 
I stand there thinking of you.
Not in the morning bliss type of way,
More like something I miss type of way.
 
The water over my shoulder cascades, falling away.
But that image of you posted on my minds wall won’t seem to fade.
 
Did I mention I hear you?
Your voice visits me there daily.
The times I said I love you and u said u didn’t.
When you said to sleep with that girl is what you wanted,
But somehow ended up in my bed in stead.
 
So now when I stand here exhaling trying to relax,
All I am is taken back.
I’m standing here with you, the bed, the girl you said you’d rather,
The clothes I bought, all of us getting soaking wet together.
 
But this, this isn’t drowning.
This crowded memory of us is me surviving.
Is it that I want it to die?
Can u blame me for wishing harm on this memory that is no longer my reality?
It was never really sweet anyway..

No Church in the Wild

Is Godless the new it thing to be??

I told you all a while ago that I was giving online dating a try. And now that I’m writing this I realize that I haven’t been giving updates on it. lol sorry! I have had some really interesting experiences in the world of dating websites. REALLY interesting. However, this post isn’t really about that specifically. I’ll fill you in with the strange stories at another time. Right now this is specifically on the topic of religion in dating, or lack thereof.

Most dating sites that I’ve seen contain a section on each person’s profile where they can state their religion. There is also the option to put “non-religious” or “other”. For the most part, I haven’t been taking this section too seriously. I kinda glance over it but not really taking a mental note of what guys have chosen to put there. I’m usually more concerned about what they’ve marked as their highest level of education, smoking, drugs and if they have children. I guess I just assumed that “non-religious” means they just don’t go to church often, ya know they believe in God, but they’re not “bible-thumpers” or they usually only talk to God under breath when they’re in a sticky situation. I know a million people who have this similar relationship with God. I’d consider this non-religious, but they acknowledge a greater presence.

I moved to New York a few moths ago and I haven’t stopped dating. I was kinda anxious to see what the NY dating scene has to offer. I’ve actually been on several dates since I’ve been here. I met most of these guys the traditional way. When you meet a man in a restaurant, a bar, at the grocery store or stalking the entryway at the gym pretending to work out, wherever your preferred hunting location is, one of your first questions isn’t usually “Sooo, what’s your relationship with God?” (is it?). Well mine isn’t. And maybe that’s something that I’m doing wrongly.

Anyway, I went on this date a few weeks ago with a guy that I met online. He seemed pretty cool. Our phone conversations were nice. He was good looking, educated, a great CREATIVE job. If you know me, you know I love a man that dreams and actively pursues his goals. And I would LOVE to find a man doing all of those things and able to write me a song, spit some poetry and paint me a mural.  Yes, all of those things! At the same time. LoL! So this dude picks a really nice wine bar in Harlem as the setting for our initial date. He told me to look for the guy in button up sweater, track pants and Kangol hat. <– my response to this was “wait, are you serious??” He had a good laugh and told me not to turn my car around, he was kidding, just wearing a gray sweater. Cool, he’s funny too!

The conversation was nice, none of those awkward pauses, UNTIL we got to subject of religion. That’s were everything went south quickly! Before I go on, please don’t get me wrong thinking I’m passing judgement on this guy because of his beliefs. I’m no sacrosanct. I’m actually in the process of rebuilding my own relationship with my God. However, because I am in this process, I feel like I need someone who has SOME kind of belief in God. Actually I’ve always felt this way. And it’s never really been an issue.

I asked him “Do you believe in God?” His response was something to the effect of “well I know there has to be something out there because I know that the voice I talk to in my head isn’t myself”. <— Now this! Really, I guess I could have taken that statement several ways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume this man is crazy and is really just hearing voices. I guess we all have these types of dialogues in our heads, right? Fine. He believes in something, I thought. But then every statement he made on the subject after that contradicted it. He said if he were to be married and have children he’d be extremely upset if his wife were to take his children to church or even talk about God to them at all. He argues with his best friend all of the time on the subject of God. He couldn’t understand why I was saying I couldn’t stay out too late because I “had to go to church in the morning”. Asking “Why do you have to?” as if there was something wrong with the commitment I made to sing the next day at service. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why I feel like I have to (yes, have to) stand by my word when I give it. He made it seem as if I was saying I was bound to something that was ridiculous in his opinion. PLENTY of awkward pauses after this. Everything he said after started to sound more and more loopy, even after moving on to other topics of conversation. It just kept coming back to it. We obviously weren’t compatible for many reasons. He even said something to the effect of wanting a real laid back girl who doesn’t always have to be dressed up. That’s fine, but I’m not that girl. I’m prissy, dressy, and I don’t think laid back is a term I’d use to describe myself. Nope!

Once again, I’ll say that I’m not judging anyone for how they feel on the subject of religion. But how can you build a solid relationship when there are such major differences in your fundamental principles upon which you build your lifestyles? I feel that inside the walls of a relationship, one both parties should feel safe and free to share their feelings, fears and beliefs with one another. You shouldn’t fear accidentally or purposely broaching the subject of God and spirituality in order to avoid conflict or being mocked by your partner.

I’ve been going through my life thinking the majority of this country had some kind of religious affiliation. But since this particular date I’m noticing SO many men who have chosen to select “non-religious” on their profile. Now, I seem to be clicking away from these profiles because I’m not sure exactly what that means. And really, I don’t want to spend the time to find out. . . I’m seeing dudes with huge tattoos on their biceps of praying hands or “only God can judge me” but they aren’t religious. I don’t get it! Is religion a fashion statement, or something that dictates your manliness?

What do you all think? I am I letting one not-so-good experience get in the way of possibly making a connection with a good guy? Could my original assumption of the definition of “non-religious” actual be true for most, or should I take the words at face value from now on?

Orbit

“I don’t want to be your Moon, I want to be your Sun. Me center, You planet, revolving.”

orbit |ˈôrbit|
noun1
the curved path of a celestial object or spacecraft around a star, planet, or moon, esp. a periodic elliptical revolution.
• one complete circuit around an orbited body.
• the state of being on or moving in such a course : the earth is in orbit around the sun

Moons revolve around planets, planets revolve around the sun. Get it? I have an explanation but I don’t feel like typing it. So… just think about it.

 

 

Well… what are you waiting for??

I realize there are some troublesome things within myself that I’ve yet to deal with, or even recognize fully as issues. I’m home (NY) for the day and I found myself sitting in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Staring off into space and unaware of my thoughts or movement around me. My dad came in and saw me and asked if I was okay. My reply: “I don’t know what I am.” The thing is, I really don’t! I’m not sure if I’m sad, happy, lonely or just tired right now. I am numb today.

Upon further thought of “how do I feel?” (because my mother came in and asked me the same question my dad did, along with adding her own guesses, ie. tired and lonely) I’ve realized that I’ve bottled so much inside in the past couple of years. Things happen in my life and I just keep moving but I don’t really deal with them.

Last year I lost one of my best friends. Nothing happened to her, but we’re not friends anymore. I felt like she betrayed our friendship, and although I am not the one who did anything to her in my opinion, our other friends (for the most part) I feel, villainized me for being upset with her. Probably because she got to tell her side of the story first and come off seeming as if she hadn’t intended to hurt me. But she made conscious decisions to act on something she knew I would be upset about. Then decided to sit me down and tell me about it the day I got back into the country after burying my grandmother. Kick someone while they’re down much? Then I feel like I made an effort to forgive her and push things under the rug but wasn’t met with the same effort on her end. We never really talked about it at all. Why should I keep trying? I won’t. But not talking to her is not really dealing with it is it?? We still have the same circle of friends… Well she kinda invaded one of my circles, but I guess I did the same with one of hers so we’re sorta even. I won’t stop hanging out with my friends because I know she’ll be there. That’s childish. But as more and more of the story has unfolded in the past year, I find myself getting angrier. At this point I don’t even want to talk about it with her or hash anything out… I just want it to be over. I dunno, maybe this end was coming even if she hadn’t done what she did. Who knows? Good thing I have best friend number one, when number two fails. I just got tired of being made to feel like my anger wasn’t valid so I stopped talking and never really dealt. (Maybe I’ll talk about what the situation actually was in another post. )

I’m single. And although I feel like I’ve grown from the point of feeling like I need someone to now just wanting someone, it’s still very apparent that I am alone. There isn’t an end in sight to my oneness. I don’t think I’ve embraced it. I fill my voids with extra work and extra curriculars. I date, of course, because I like to go out… But I’m just not meeting the right ones. I told you all last year that I’d begun to internet date to see what the hype is. You would think that when a person makes a decision to put the time and effort into creating an online profile on a site meant for dating an people looking to meet their “someone”, disregarding the social stigmas that do still exist, they would take it seriously. So far I’ve met two guys that I was into that said all of the “right” things at first and had me thinking I may have come across something that could turn into something more than casual eventually, that turned out to be duds. Good dudes but they’re not looking for relationships. Then whyyyy sir, are you on a dating website? <– That was guy number 2. Guy number one is an entire post by himself! Frankly, I’m not looking for a relationship either, but I’m not counting them out. Actually I do want a relationship but who knows if you’re even someone I want to commit myself to?? Why are you telling me this? Even though I wasn’t at the point where I was thinking “relationship” yet, it was sort of a bruise to my ego/esteem when he called the other night seemingly just to tell me that. It brought back old feelings of rejection from other guys. That “what’s so undesirable about me?” feeling. I am almost 30 practically and never been in a “relationship” for more than 6 months. And that was only twice. I’ve dated men for well over a year, even two, but they never want to be in a relationship. But why would they? I overextend myself, I give, and I don’t ask for what I want in return. So why would they give up their option to hook up with someone else if they’re still getting everything they want from me without having to give anything? I realize this and I feel like I’ve recognized what I shouldn’t be doing but it hadn’t fully changed yet. And I haven’t fully dealt with that ugly duckling feeling that I used to have, mainly because of that “him” that used to tell me I was ugly every day. I made efforts to embrace my outward and shine outwardly, but I haven’t fully dealt with the inside.

I hate my job. I used to be confident when I spoke, take full credit for my work and not put my name on something until I was proud of it. Working in this place for the past 3 years has extinguished so much of me. I was pleasant, I smiled and I was happy to do things. I find that I can’t even breathe deeply in that building anymore. It’s such a depression that I’ve been placed into. It shows even through my phone conversation. I’m typically not a rude person. I know I have wonderful manners. I used to complain about the people who worked at my university and how much they seemed to hate their jobs and take it out on the students. I’ve become one of those women who are just sour! I had a woman call back to tell me how rude I was on the phone and ask my name. I sincerely had to apologize to her and check myself because she was right and I hadn’t even realized at the time what I was doing. She recognized my name and who I was and asked if I was having a bad day because she’s come in to my job so many times and I was always helpful and smiling. I felt so bad! Even now, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to complain about it anymore, I just want to do something about it.

All of these things are unresolved issues I’m my life right now and need to be fixed or come to terms with. Accepted? What am I waiting for?