You Can’t See Through Smudgy Glasses

Photo Dec 16, 10 35 10 PM

Why don’t people say what they mean?? Especially in those times where it’s necessary to be transparent because it’s going to come back and bite us in our asses.

A man says “I’m not looking for a relationship, but if the right one comes along I may be open to it.” and a woman who was just  browsing the Jared’s website and sending links to her fellow single ladies will reply “Oh me either! I just want to date and go with the flow.” <– Why do we tell these lies out loud??

OR

A woman will say “I’ve been in a few situations where we weren’t on the same page and he wasn’t ready for a commitment and I was. I’m dating in hopes of being in a relationship at some point” (wait are we ever that straightforward? Yes, sometimes) and the man she’s speaking to will say “I think I’m ready to settle down. I’m at that age where I’m done with the games and I could be ready for something serious”. Despite all of the passive wording in his response he is convincing and she will let ALL of her guards down and let him in(to her heart her home and her vagina)! Immediately.

So what happens three or four months down line when he’s suddenly withdrawing from this woman who has prepared herself fully for “more” with this man who never really wanted to be in a relationship, not even just with her, but at all?? Neither of them were really honest about their intentions or expectations. She can’t understand why he’s no longer calling and texting like he used to. He’s not inviting her over anymore, they don’t go on dates now and she’s wondering why he hasn’t asked her about Valentine’s Day plans yet. It’s probably because she’s not, nor will she ever be his girlfriend, his wife or his Valentine.

(Here’s where I lost the rest of my post! But uhh… I tried to recreate the gist of it. Kinda failed, but I didn’t want to waste the 2 hours I spent writing this post -_- )

Just because you’re talking, spending time together regularly, checking in, having sex, and doing things that people who care about each other do doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. All of those ingredients aren’t necessarily the full recipe for a relationship. I’ll say again that I’m no relationship expert. In fact I know very little about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. A person can know all of the right things to put into a cake but if they don’t know how to mix it or how long to bake it then all you have is a bowl of eggs, flour and sugar and you can’t call that a cake, right??

It’s important to be clear in our intentions and expectations of one another to avoid these pseudo relationship situations. The world is a lot clearer when you wipe the finger smudges off your glasses! Why do we talk in codes and riddles, lying to ourselves and others in hopes that we say the right thing to make the other person like us?? Humans are tricky!

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Good Morning

.Image
 
My shower gets crowded in the morning.
 
I stand there thinking of you.
Not in the morning bliss type of way,
More like something I miss type of way.
 
The water over my shoulder cascades, falling away.
But that image of you posted on my minds wall won’t seem to fade.
 
Did I mention I hear you?
Your voice visits me there daily.
The times I said I love you and u said u didn’t.
When you said to sleep with that girl is what you wanted,
But somehow ended up in my bed in stead.
 
So now when I stand here exhaling trying to relax,
All I am is taken back.
I’m standing here with you, the bed, the girl you said you’d rather,
The clothes I bought, all of us getting soaking wet together.
 
But this, this isn’t drowning.
This crowded memory of us is me surviving.
Is it that I want it to die?
Can u blame me for wishing harm on this memory that is no longer my reality?
It was never really sweet anyway..

There’s Snow Excuse!

So this guy asked me out. Cool, sure. Then he tells me he lives in Bridgeport, CT after leading me to believe he lived in the same city as I do. Mmm… fine, but I’m not driving to you until I decide I like you. Mainly because you felt the hour drive wasn’t a big deal before you said anything.

Anyway, while planning our second date, (first date went pretty well… if you are my FB friend you already know the other conflicts I had with this man lol) he says “It’s supposed to snow my car don’t do well in snow”. That’s understandable, so I suggest just getting together another day. THEN he turns around and says “can you come to me… in Bridgeport?”

HELL NO!

Seriously, dude?? You don’t want to come down here because you don’t want to mess up your car, BUT I must come to you. Ehh, no! (In my Michael Kyle voice)

Then he says something about a bar he wants to show me, and me coming up there not being the reason he mentioned his car not doing well in snow. . . Sir? So what was the reason you said it?? And lead with it at that!

There was more conversation after this but you gt my point. Really though, men? Is that how it is now??

No Church in the Wild

Is Godless the new it thing to be??

I told you all a while ago that I was giving online dating a try. And now that I’m writing this I realize that I haven’t been giving updates on it. lol sorry! I have had some really interesting experiences in the world of dating websites. REALLY interesting. However, this post isn’t really about that specifically. I’ll fill you in with the strange stories at another time. Right now this is specifically on the topic of religion in dating, or lack thereof.

Most dating sites that I’ve seen contain a section on each person’s profile where they can state their religion. There is also the option to put “non-religious” or “other”. For the most part, I haven’t been taking this section too seriously. I kinda glance over it but not really taking a mental note of what guys have chosen to put there. I’m usually more concerned about what they’ve marked as their highest level of education, smoking, drugs and if they have children. I guess I just assumed that “non-religious” means they just don’t go to church often, ya know they believe in God, but they’re not “bible-thumpers” or they usually only talk to God under breath when they’re in a sticky situation. I know a million people who have this similar relationship with God. I’d consider this non-religious, but they acknowledge a greater presence.

I moved to New York a few moths ago and I haven’t stopped dating. I was kinda anxious to see what the NY dating scene has to offer. I’ve actually been on several dates since I’ve been here. I met most of these guys the traditional way. When you meet a man in a restaurant, a bar, at the grocery store or stalking the entryway at the gym pretending to work out, wherever your preferred hunting location is, one of your first questions isn’t usually “Sooo, what’s your relationship with God?” (is it?). Well mine isn’t. And maybe that’s something that I’m doing wrongly.

Anyway, I went on this date a few weeks ago with a guy that I met online. He seemed pretty cool. Our phone conversations were nice. He was good looking, educated, a great CREATIVE job. If you know me, you know I love a man that dreams and actively pursues his goals. And I would LOVE to find a man doing all of those things and able to write me a song, spit some poetry and paint me a mural.  Yes, all of those things! At the same time. LoL! So this dude picks a really nice wine bar in Harlem as the setting for our initial date. He told me to look for the guy in button up sweater, track pants and Kangol hat. <– my response to this was “wait, are you serious??” He had a good laugh and told me not to turn my car around, he was kidding, just wearing a gray sweater. Cool, he’s funny too!

The conversation was nice, none of those awkward pauses, UNTIL we got to subject of religion. That’s were everything went south quickly! Before I go on, please don’t get me wrong thinking I’m passing judgement on this guy because of his beliefs. I’m no sacrosanct. I’m actually in the process of rebuilding my own relationship with my God. However, because I am in this process, I feel like I need someone who has SOME kind of belief in God. Actually I’ve always felt this way. And it’s never really been an issue.

I asked him “Do you believe in God?” His response was something to the effect of “well I know there has to be something out there because I know that the voice I talk to in my head isn’t myself”. <— Now this! Really, I guess I could have taken that statement several ways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume this man is crazy and is really just hearing voices. I guess we all have these types of dialogues in our heads, right? Fine. He believes in something, I thought. But then every statement he made on the subject after that contradicted it. He said if he were to be married and have children he’d be extremely upset if his wife were to take his children to church or even talk about God to them at all. He argues with his best friend all of the time on the subject of God. He couldn’t understand why I was saying I couldn’t stay out too late because I “had to go to church in the morning”. Asking “Why do you have to?” as if there was something wrong with the commitment I made to sing the next day at service. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why I feel like I have to (yes, have to) stand by my word when I give it. He made it seem as if I was saying I was bound to something that was ridiculous in his opinion. PLENTY of awkward pauses after this. Everything he said after started to sound more and more loopy, even after moving on to other topics of conversation. It just kept coming back to it. We obviously weren’t compatible for many reasons. He even said something to the effect of wanting a real laid back girl who doesn’t always have to be dressed up. That’s fine, but I’m not that girl. I’m prissy, dressy, and I don’t think laid back is a term I’d use to describe myself. Nope!

Once again, I’ll say that I’m not judging anyone for how they feel on the subject of religion. But how can you build a solid relationship when there are such major differences in your fundamental principles upon which you build your lifestyles? I feel that inside the walls of a relationship, one both parties should feel safe and free to share their feelings, fears and beliefs with one another. You shouldn’t fear accidentally or purposely broaching the subject of God and spirituality in order to avoid conflict or being mocked by your partner.

I’ve been going through my life thinking the majority of this country had some kind of religious affiliation. But since this particular date I’m noticing SO many men who have chosen to select “non-religious” on their profile. Now, I seem to be clicking away from these profiles because I’m not sure exactly what that means. And really, I don’t want to spend the time to find out. . . I’m seeing dudes with huge tattoos on their biceps of praying hands or “only God can judge me” but they aren’t religious. I don’t get it! Is religion a fashion statement, or something that dictates your manliness?

What do you all think? I am I letting one not-so-good experience get in the way of possibly making a connection with a good guy? Could my original assumption of the definition of “non-religious” actual be true for most, or should I take the words at face value from now on?

Sitting By the Phone

Everything is going great. You allow yourself to let down some of those walls you’ve built in order to avoid disappointment. He seems to have good intentions. You let him in, because he keeps asking. He says he wants you. He speaks of the future.

But then all of a sudden, he’s no longer answering when you call, and he’s definitely not calling you back. No longer sends you those “Good morning! Have a great day” texts. What happened? He’s disappeared from the face of the Earth.

I never understood how it was that easy for men to detach themselves from a situation. No explanations or expression of remorse.

What do you all think??

Oooh, Girl! He’s HOT!

Have you met any good looking guys recently who seem to suffer from “Hot Guy Syndrome”?? You know what I’m referring to. Those good looking guys who know they’re hot and therefore refuse to try. They don’t use their manners, and chivalry which may not have in fact died, is a certified ghost to them. They expect you to prove to them you’re worthy of their attention rather than the other way around. And they can act this way because they look good and surprisingly, this attitude works for them because there are women who will jump through hoops to get closer to them because they’re thinking of what their future children together will look like, and the jealous stares they’ll receive from other women when they’re out in public because the man on their own arm isn’t quite as handsome, or they’re alone.

Anyway, I’m here today to say that I have fallen victim to the Hot Guy once in the past… okay maybe twice. I was just thinking about the stupid, uncharacteristic things I used to do for once dude in particular. He definitely wasn’t worth it. And turns out of course I wasn’t the only one at the time that he had thinking there was a possibility of being with him. And even now after we stopped seeing each other, stopped physically being with each other, yet remained in contact, he tells me things that make me feel kinda sorry for the women who are smitten with him. He acknowledges that he knows he’s a good catch and it’s hard (for Black women in particular) to find a dude with his same qualities (very handsome, black, educated, gainfully employed, home owner, foreign car driving, etc) and he can’t help but take advantage of it. Self-admittedly, knowing at the statistics of single women in his age group looking for a certain demographic of men that he fits into, makes him even less inclined to settle down now, or date monogamously because he has soooo many options!  Sometimes, like now, when I think about it, I don’t know if I can blame him either. Yeah, it’s wrong in my opinion but I see his logic.

So what is a woman to do?? Anyway, I’m not a lion in a circus and I’m not jumping through any burning hoops! I wrote before about my affinity to men with “medium tools” and I’m letting y’all know today that I will also be completely happy with a dude who is “nice-looking”. LoL! Although every now and then when I first meet a man I may be interested in I have those “hmm I wonder what a daughter with him would look like… ” Don’t judge me. 😉

On to the Next Year!

As some of you may already know, I recently celebrated the 1st anniversary of the fifth anniversary of my 21st birthday. Figure it out.

The ONLY picture I have from my birthday 2011


All I wanted to do was chill and think about life. I didn’t want a huge bash. I didn’t want to go to the club and pop bottles. Really, I just wanted to relax and soak up the love from my family and friends as the sent text messages, called, wrote on my FB wall and tweeted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” . . . Usually one of my ex kisses calls me and sings Happy Birthday in my ear, but we haven’t been on the best of terms lately. Probably mainly because I’m crazy when I feel hurt. LoL I don’t have a thing for him AT ALL anymore, but healthy friendships can be hard to maintain when the foundation contains so much pain. That’s a different story though. Anyway, he didn’t sing but he did wish me a happy birthday so it’s all love.

Hopefully this year is all about growth for me. I know it sounds kinda cliche’ but it’s really my focus this year. When my next birthday approaches I want to look back at this post and say I addressed these things in my life and I’m satisfied with my progression.

  • Love (all types of it, romantic, platonic, familial)
  • Career
  • Health/Beauty
  • Education

That’s not too much to conquer in a year right?? 😉

I did have a birthday date though! oww! Sooo maybe I’m already one step in the direction of that Love thing right?? Ok ok ok I won’t get ahead of myself.

Kissez!