Well… what are you waiting for??

I realize there are some troublesome things within myself that I’ve yet to deal with, or even recognize fully as issues. I’m home (NY) for the day and I found myself sitting in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Staring off into space and unaware of my thoughts or movement around me. My dad came in and saw me and asked if I was okay. My reply: “I don’t know what I am.” The thing is, I really don’t! I’m not sure if I’m sad, happy, lonely or just tired right now. I am numb today.

Upon further thought of “how do I feel?” (because my mother came in and asked me the same question my dad did, along with adding her own guesses, ie. tired and lonely) I’ve realized that I’ve bottled so much inside in the past couple of years. Things happen in my life and I just keep moving but I don’t really deal with them.

Last year I lost one of my best friends. Nothing happened to her, but we’re not friends anymore. I felt like she betrayed our friendship, and although I am not the one who did anything to her in my opinion, our other friends (for the most part) I feel, villainized me for being upset with her. Probably because she got to tell her side of the story first and come off seeming as if she hadn’t intended to hurt me. But she made conscious decisions to act on something she knew I would be upset about. Then decided to sit me down and tell me about it the day I got back into the country after burying my grandmother. Kick someone while they’re down much? Then I feel like I made an effort to forgive her and push things under the rug but wasn’t met with the same effort on her end. We never really talked about it at all. Why should I keep trying? I won’t. But not talking to her is not really dealing with it is it?? We still have the same circle of friends… Well she kinda invaded one of my circles, but I guess I did the same with one of hers so we’re sorta even. I won’t stop hanging out with my friends because I know she’ll be there. That’s childish. But as more and more of the story has unfolded in the past year, I find myself getting angrier. At this point I don’t even want to talk about it with her or hash anything out… I just want it to be over. I dunno, maybe this end was coming even if she hadn’t done what she did. Who knows? Good thing I have best friend number one, when number two fails. I just got tired of being made to feel like my anger wasn’t valid so I stopped talking and never really dealt. (Maybe I’ll talk about what the situation actually was in another post. )

I’m single. And although I feel like I’ve grown from the point of feeling like I need someone to now just wanting someone, it’s still very apparent that I am alone. There isn’t an end in sight to my oneness. I don’t think I’ve embraced it. I fill my voids with extra work and extra curriculars. I date, of course, because I like to go out… But I’m just not meeting the right ones. I told you all last year that I’d begun to internet date to see what the hype is. You would think that when a person makes a decision to put the time and effort into creating an online profile on a site meant for dating an people looking to meet their “someone”, disregarding the social stigmas that do still exist, they would take it seriously. So far I’ve met two guys that I was into that said all of the “right” things at first and had me thinking I may have come across something that could turn into something more than casual eventually, that turned out to be duds. Good dudes but they’re not looking for relationships. Then whyyyy sir, are you on a dating website? <– That was guy number 2. Guy number one is an entire post by himself! Frankly, I’m not looking for a relationship either, but I’m not counting them out. Actually I do want a relationship but who knows if you’re even someone I want to commit myself to?? Why are you telling me this? Even though I wasn’t at the point where I was thinking “relationship” yet, it was sort of a bruise to my ego/esteem when he called the other night seemingly just to tell me that. It brought back old feelings of rejection from other guys. That “what’s so undesirable about me?” feeling. I am almost 30 practically and never been in a “relationship” for more than 6 months. And that was only twice. I’ve dated men for well over a year, even two, but they never want to be in a relationship. But why would they? I overextend myself, I give, and I don’t ask for what I want in return. So why would they give up their option to hook up with someone else if they’re still getting everything they want from me without having to give anything? I realize this and I feel like I’ve recognized what I shouldn’t be doing but it hadn’t fully changed yet. And I haven’t fully dealt with that ugly duckling feeling that I used to have, mainly because of that “him” that used to tell me I was ugly every day. I made efforts to embrace my outward and shine outwardly, but I haven’t fully dealt with the inside.

I hate my job. I used to be confident when I spoke, take full credit for my work and not put my name on something until I was proud of it. Working in this place for the past 3 years has extinguished so much of me. I was pleasant, I smiled and I was happy to do things. I find that I can’t even breathe deeply in that building anymore. It’s such a depression that I’ve been placed into. It shows even through my phone conversation. I’m typically not a rude person. I know I have wonderful manners. I used to complain about the people who worked at my university and how much they seemed to hate their jobs and take it out on the students. I’ve become one of those women who are just sour! I had a woman call back to tell me how rude I was on the phone and ask my name. I sincerely had to apologize to her and check myself because she was right and I hadn’t even realized at the time what I was doing. She recognized my name and who I was and asked if I was having a bad day because she’s come in to my job so many times and I was always helpful and smiling. I felt so bad! Even now, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to complain about it anymore, I just want to do something about it.

All of these things are unresolved issues I’m my life right now and need to be fixed or come to terms with. Accepted? What am I waiting for?

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1 Comment

  1. aw tiff! i think it’s okay to be down and to more importantly reflect on the down-ness. even if you can’t come up with a why or place your finger right on the cause, sitting in the kitchen and letting your emotions mull over it. or even getting it out thru pen and paper (read screen and keyboard) is a good thing. i’m glad you’re able to express yourself in this way. i hope you don’t lose your drive to find better though. keep looking for that next job. keep dating and going out. keep making friends. keep on…well, keeping on. *thinking positive thoughts for you*


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