Aahhhmm Baaaaack (Like Weezy!)

Sooo I can’t even BEGIN to explain to you all how much of a crrrraaaaaazzzzyyyyy month and a half it’s been! Whew! But I AM BACK! Miss me?? Awww, I missed you too! 😉

Anyway, I’ve been thinking today (nope, I don’t think every day)! I weighed some things on my mind’s proverbial scale and have come to a conclusion: I HAVE COMMITMENT issues!!! Feels good to finally get that off my chest. I’ve had sinking suspicions of this for a while now, but never wanted to own up to it.

Yes, yes I know… I’m always talking about “wanting” someone. And I do, I do. I want companionship, love, cuddling, the feeling of being wanted in return; all of that mushy goodness. But the thought of possibly being with the same someone (and only that someone) for more than a few months or a year is actually  pretty terrifying to me! Like, shaking in my boots, break out in hives, anxiety attack type of scared! I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually experienced this and I have no idea how you people do it. Or maybe it’s because deep down I just want several deep connections with several men through out my years? LoL I doubt it’s the last one. Possibly a fear of making a connection that deep with someone, getting familiar and comfortable with that person in my space and knowing that there’s always the possibility that they’ll get over me and move along, or do something else hurtful. I’ve gotten so used to being unattached, un-expectant and guarded.

This opportunity  to jump off a building attached to a bungee cord (that’s how I imagine it feeling) has never fully presented itself to me. Uhh ::looks around:: yeah, I’m 26 and have NEVER been in a committed relationship over 6 months, who’s asking?! Shoot I’ve only been in 2 “relationships” period. That’s why I call myself a serial dater. I date… I’ve had “dates” that lasted much longer than any of my boyfriends. The option for me to see someone else was always there. I could very easily wake up one morning and decide I no longer wanted to respond to “his” phone calls anymore and there wouldn’t be anything lost. <— yeah right, it’s never been that easy. But in essence that’s all it could have taken!

Anyway… the closer I get to taking this leap, the more nervous I get. Every time I think to broach the subject, I clam up! I always have that “I’m not ready!” thought.

I guess now I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to bring it up… he might, he might not. Hopefully I won’t feel like the Boogy Monster just appeared in my room. I want to be open to saying YES! But uhhh yeah… I’m not sure. LoL

Waaaaiiiit, maybe I don’t have a fear of commitment, I might have a fear of rejection??

Guys, I need therapy, what do you think?? Orr I’ll just keep blogging instead because it’s free! 😉

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3 Comments

  1. Hm. Interesting. (As mentioned above, lol.) I’ve been thinking lately myself. I’m not afraid of commitment, and I want all of those things you listed above, the chance to love someone unconditionally, to have them love me back in the same regard, the commitment, companionship and all the other mushy goodness. And I’ve wanted it for so long.

    But at this point in my life, am I ready for that? I damn sure deserve it. I have so much going on in my life though, really working on preparing for my future and finding my niche in life, my group of friends, society, etc., am I really ready to bring someone along for that ride? Or is that sense of stability with that one individual what I need to kick my ass into gear to get ahold of all the other stuff? I go back and forth daily.

  2. Interesting, I always thought men were afraid to commit…I think in order to to fill the void you’re looking for like companionship, unconditional love, get a dog for now. i bet you’ll be so focus on caring for the new person in life when the right man comes you’ll be more acceptable in being in a long term relationship. Seriously, what you’re looking for isn’t going to be around the next corner you turn, and it shouldn’t be “one sided” you deserve the world, so stop giving it! i hope you find him though…

  3. Hmm, lets see. I dont think you need to push yourself to date anyone or to be in a relationship, but, like you mentioned how you want love and companionship, those things sometimes wont come and find you, you sometimes have to go out and find them yourself. The only way you can do that is by being in relationships however long or short, because if they dont work out at least you can discover what it was that you didnt like about the relationship, or what went wrong, and learn from mistakes.
    ^^


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