Limbo is a Game I Played as a Child

This week, I’ve been going through a little thing; my own internal battle.

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over two months. I actually met him online. Go figure! My experiment worked. Actually I guess I can’t say that it “worked”, because he’s not my boyfriend yet, ::fingers crossed:: but it’s been going well in my opinion. I have tried to approach this situation differently than I’ve done in the past. I’m not necessarily changing who I am, because I really have trouble changing me.  I am definitely trying to loosen up and not be so uptight. I want to be able to relax and let things take their natural course.  But herein lies my problem.

There are only two men that I can refer to as “my ex boyfriend” since I’ve been an adult. Neither one of those relationships lasted more than 6 months.  I’m not even really sure I can count those either since they were so short. I did love them both. Or at least I was convinced I loved them when we were together. Amazingly, my longest stints with men have been outside the confines of the title “boyfriend & girlfriend”.  If you read my blog, you probably already know these facts about me. But I’m just giving a background for those of you who don’t know. I am famous for sticking it through with men who did not want to be committed to me, or anyone else for that matter. Yet, I was faithful to them because their actions told me something different from their words..

These men (two in particular) and I would spend so much time together it was almost  (almost) impossible for either of us to see anyone else. We did all of the things that couples do, but couldn’t exactly be classified as one.  I won’t get into all of the things I gave to these dudes and did for them, cause that’s not what I want to focus on for this post. The point is simply that we were essentially in a relationship without the title, each time for over a year even two years. Both of these situations just left me feeling disappointed, hurt and definitely used once I decided to leave them by the wayside, realizing that it was never going to be more than limbo.

Limbo for the purpose of this post refers to the place in between “just dating” and “relationship” (although, every interaction with anyone, friend, family, love interest is a relationship, of course but y’all understand what I mean!). It’s the confusing, scary, shaky bridge that men and women have to cross to get from one side to the other.  I picture myself in an Indiana Jones-like setting, standing with one foot in relationship land and the other still on the bridge, while I’m grasping at the hand of a Him who is just standing there perfectly comfortable 2 steps away. He’s standing there looking like he’s enjoying the view but would rather just go back to where he came from. He hears me trying to get his attention, feels me tugging for him to just take those last few steps and join me, but I’m being brushed off.

What a desperate scene! It’s the role I’ve played several times though. I don’t want to do that this time. So I asked my current suitor when we first started dating, after all the pleasantries and polite conversations if what he wanted was to just date someone or if his goal was a relationship. He said relationship.”Yes!

Here were are a couple of months in and he’s dropping lines like “why can’t we just be two people who enjoy each other’s company?” during normal conversation. He said “Go by my actions, don’t I act like I like you?” when I asked him why he said “I’m sure you can tell I like you a little bit”… brrr? Just a little bit??  Well sir, I’m confused! Your actions say you like me more than a little bit. I feel us falling into that place of limbo where he’s getting comfortable with the way things are. He spends his free time with me, he treats me well but now his words are starting to contradict his actions. Everything he does indicates that we’re headed toward more-than-just-this, but now the things he says don’t tell me that. So what do I do now, sir? Am I supposed to go by your actions like you’re telling me, or do I listen to what you’re saying and nip this shit in the bud??

In the past I’ve gone by the actions of men I cared about. I thought “hey he wants to be with me, why else would we be doing all of this?” while he was telling me “No, this isn’t want I want.” I was afraid to just let go because what if he changed his mind? What if he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose me??

Yesterday, I was explaining to my friend (signedmissyoung) about my usual predicament and what stuck with me was  “If ‘if’ was a fifth then we’d all be drunk!” ← Read it again. Let it soak in.  Seriously, I’ve gotten so drunk on “ifs” I stopped rationalizing properly. I should have been saying “Self! If he wanted to be committed to you, then he would be. Get it together and move along.”

Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not trying to rope this man into a committed situation with me after only 2 months of knowing each other! I don’t even know if I want to be his girlfriend. I just want to know that the option is there. What is the point of getting to know someone  & spending time together if one of the involved parties already knows there’s no possibility of moving forward? I guess it’s all right when you’re younger. It was less consequential when I was in college. Even right out of undergrad. I had time.  But at the stage in my life that I’m in right now — I’m not old and out of time just yet so I said “stage” not “age”—I want something that has the potential of a future.  This time around I’m paying attention to the signs. I refuse to spend too much time in limbo once again. Maybe I’ll give myself a personal marker of how long is too long to be here. After a certain, much shorter than usual period of time I’ll cut my losses and move on. This time it will be before I’m intoxicated by love and what ifs (yikes! at the thought of loving someone again).

PS. That picture at the top has nothing to do with the post. LoL, just wanted to show you guys my “transition hair”… I’ve been experimenting lately! 😉

Oh yeah, and go check out www.CocktailOur.blogspot.com to download their first podcast! They touched on a similar subject.

This Song Reminds Me Of… : Marsha Ambrosius Edition

“Some Type of Way”
I feel some type of way (yeah)
I feel some type of way about it
You only love me when you wanna get some!
And I feel some type of way about it
We’ve been playing the same game for too long
And I feel some type of way about it
I’m getting tired of sharing you with her
This whole shit is in the way
I feel some type of way

I Hope She Cheats on You”

“Look at how it all turned out now (Now that I’m without you)
She cute and all but that won’t last forever. What I had for you was so much better. Yeah the grass aint greener on the other side of town, now look at how it all turned out now. I’m a little bitter just a little bitter but I’m doing better cause we aint together. Ya sorry excuse for somebody I was into Remember what it was when I was with you.”

My new song obsessions (for the moment) come from one of my favorite artists, Marsha Ambrosius, previously of the group Floetry. I’m listening to them on repeat right now. These quotes from two of her more recent pieces speak directly to the way I felt not too long ago about one of my Ex-Kissez. He didn’t want to commit to me because he was so pressed to “sleep around”. We wasted so much time on the back and forth. Going through all of the motions of a relationship without the actual title just so he could feel free to court (read: fuck) some random girl if the opportunity presented itself <– which I’m not sure it ever did while we were together. I actually doubt it. And I’m not one to put anything past a man. Especially now with my hindsight being so clear.

Anyway, this story pertains to the song because not long after I decided I didn’t want to put up with the bull and feeling disrespected by him, he decided that pursuing random encounters (read: pussy) with no strings attached was just too hard. So after a few months of depression he decided he would get himself a girlfriend. For some reason, even though I knew beyond a doubt that I didn’t want him anymore, it hurt me so badly that he would jump into something serious with someone after only a couple of months. Wasn’t I the one who had invested a year and a half on him? What did I have to show for it? Nothing. I supported this dude when he didn’t have shit to offer me — both financially and mentally and some other chick was reaping the benefits of what I had sown. It wasn’t fair! Sadly, I know this is how it goes so much of the time in matters of the heart.

It may be wrong, but something not-so-deep  inside of me was hoping she hurt him the way he hurt me (ok I know it’s wrong, ut I’m human). I wanted her to use him the way he’d used me to come up. I had been feeding him, clothing him, taxing him, giving him a place to sleep when he didn’t want to be in the craziness of his own house… and this next girl came along showed a little bit of interest and he gave her the one thing I ever asked him for!

Oddly enough though, I don’t feel vindicated even though from what I understand, she wasn’t really good to/for him. She didn’t spend the time with him that he wanted. She didn’t seem that into him, from the beginning. I think his insetting loneliness began to press him and he overlooked certain things about her behavior. He thought the grass was greener in her yard but when he looked back at my garden, I’m sure it looked a lot prettier than it had when he was previously standing in it.  ::chuckle::

Side note: Doesn’t she look GREAT in the picture! Major weight loss. Go girl!

No Words

I used to be convinced that long term relationships were impossible because eventually you would run out of things to say to each other. Guess that’s not true.