Still Growing

This is Part Two. . .

. . . Instead of telling my date we had to go, I did the smart thing and just turned off my phone . . .

I tried to pull into the driveway quietly at 2:30am and sneak in through the basement. I probably even turned off my headlights before pulling in. I just knew I was so slick and would slide in undetected. My parents had surely already fallen asleep anyway. But to my surprise, as soon as I opened the door I received a fist to the mouth! And luckily for me my dad was standing right behind my mother to hold her back. She definitely got a couple of more hits in though. Mad is not the word to explain the scene playing out with my mother that night!  I’m sure she was seeing red.  I was in the most trouble I’ve been in my life. I was supposed to be leaving to begin school in a few weeks and she told me I could forget about that. She wasn’t investing anything else into me so I could fuck it up. She told me to get a job and stay my ass in NY. I wasn’t going to throw away any of her hard earned money if I insisted on wasting my life running the streets. The way she was talking you would have thought I was on someone’s corner selling ass with a needle stuck in my arm.  Looking back I can see where she was coming from and it was a place of love and disappointment but I just didn’t understand then. I cried all day afraid to come out of my room trying to figure out what to do, where I could get enough money from because I needed to get out of NY and go to school. I had already been to orientation and picked my roommates and now I wasn’t even going! I needed to do something.

I called him. I told him that my mom had gone completely crazy. I had a couple hundred tucked away but I needed him to pay me back the money he owed me and help me out so I could find some way to get out of that house.  At that point he owed me close to $2,000. Where does an 18 year old get that much money to lend to someone?! My mother would have KILLED me if she knew how much I had given to some boy who was taking advantage of me. Instead of the reaction I expected: concern and reciprocity, he surprised me. This boy cursed me out and hung up on me and stopped answering my calls. I heard that same day his ex was in the car (that I basically paid for) and scratched the hell out of it, cut up his leather seats and did some other damage to it. His boy tried to tell me that she saw him while she was walking down the street and somehow managed to do all of that. Someone else told me they were in the car together. Who knows what really happened. I was enraged, hurt and I wanted to find a brick to throw at him. I drove around trying to find him. I found his car and saw the damage for myself, but he still wasn’t answering my calls. He had called me everything out of my name and now I was on my own. I had never felt so low in my life. I was just trying to figure out how I had gotten to that point? It was so unlike me, never ever would I have imagined that I’d be in such a position.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and apologized to my mother. What else could I have done? I knew I was wrong. I was in the house all day, every day, unless I was at work. She sent me off to college at the end of the summer, despite swearing I couldn’t go. Really, that’s what I needed in order to start regaining control of myself again.

Of course I still tried to call him a couple of times.  And he did start answering my calls again. I don’t even remember how our conversation went that first time, but I was away and it was starting to matter less to me what was going on in NY.  I had already let him ruin my senior year of high school. I had gotten suspended for a day because of an argument I had in the hallway with this girl over him. The obscene language I used in that public place disgusts me now. I cringe a little bit every time I remember it. I didn’t have a date to senior prom because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going with me until the last minute and I ended up just bringing one of my girls who used to go to our school with me.  Those prom pics aren’t my favorite memory of high school like they should be. I actually don’t have much of a memory of most of that night,  really just him meeting me at the diner afterwards with my friend’s boyfriend.  Another time after one of his parties, some girl was outside threatening to cut me because I was apparently effing with her man (before we were even really “effing” lol). I’d never even seen this girl before, but apparently she was another of his girlfriends. I’d been through so much drama for this dude who obviously didn’t give a shit about me and despite all of that it took me moving to a different state to forget about him.

I got my second tattoo that fall of my freshman year. It’s a butterfly. The wings are closed because I hadn’t fully become who I wanted to be again, but I was on my way and I was transforming. It means a lot to me.

Women too often make too many sacrifices for the men they think they love. Our self-esteem, our family, our friends all become casualties of our destructive relationships. It doesn’t even make sense, but when you’re actually invested in one of these situations yourself, reason doesn’t exist. All you know is the feeling you’re hoping for. The reciprocity you’re trying to force. I would like to say this is the only time that I ever lost myself in a man, but unfortunately that’s not true. But I do believe I’ve finally learned that I’m worth so much more than some fleeting moments of tummy butterflies and occasional sweet words. I am invaluable in my natural state of being me.

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2 Comments

  1. Great story, great message, entertaining delivery… I’ve been there and I know that seemingly unreasonable sense of reasoning. You have to know your worth, or a least know what is not worth your time or effort until you know your worth. If we only knew how powerful we really are, a lot of the drama in our lives would cease to exist.

  2. Well, its ironic that I was talking to one of my girlfriends about a similar subject earlier today. Her “boyfriend” has recently gone to jail, and she said she is very sad and lonely without him. She has gone to put money on his books, and told him she doesnt want him to spend any of his money to try to get out of jail, cuz when he gets out she doesnt want him to be broke. She said her hair and nails havent been done lately because he is usually the one who pays for it, so she has been going without. Unfortunately she is one of the many women who have fell for a dope boy. I have never dated one, but from what I have seen they have these girls heads gone, and many times the girl doesnt know how she will survive without them. emotionally or financially. She has bailed him out of jail more than once, helped pay for his kids dental needs (kids that arent hers that is), the list goes on and on. Now to the average person you would think she was crazy, and I have tried talking to her before, but you have to make up in your own mind that you deserve better. And I’m glad that you did, because there are still a lot of lost souls in the world. Keep your head up and constantly remind yourself of your worth, because no one else can.


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