Desperate Dating?

It’s been a while and I have a confession to make. First let me say “Don’t Judge Me!!” Okay it’s really not that juicy, probably not even that big of  a deal either, but it’s a confession nonetheless, and still something that’s hard for me to admit. So here goes: I’ve ventured into the world of online dating! Why not?

I was talking to a longtime guy friend of mine, discussing my horrible track record with dating and relationships. I explained to him that I’m open to dating and relationships but I always tend to meet the wrong men. Ones who have no interest in commitment. They just want the perks of a relationship without the title. Or the title without the commitment.  He asked if I’d ever considered meeting men online through a matchmaking website. I admitted that I thought about it in the past, and even browsed a couple of sites without actually signing up, but I didn’t want to succumb to what I thought of as desperation. Friend explained to me that it’s actually not as bad as I was making it out to be. It’s not necessarily for people who have no other options, but for people who may not want to go to the usual places to meet people. Going to clubs, lounges and other social settings to meet people who may not be at those same places with similar intentions is not for everyone. When approaching someone at a random place, you always run into the risk of rejection. Of course you still face rejection online as well, but it’s not as embarrassing or uncomfortable when you’re not staring them in the face. No harm, no foul. You can feel more confident approaching that sexy dude you know you would be too shy to say hello to in person walking down the street. And the upside is you know that all of the people on these sites expect to be approached, hit on, and are looking for interaction… maybe not with you, but hey!

After talking to him and getting a couple of suggestions of some sites he’d “heard about” (I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s tried this himself. He’s in a relationship now. I don’t know if they met online, but he’s happy!) I decided to try it. If nothing positive comes of it, at least I’d have something to write about! LoL I amped myself up by convincing me that I’m conducting a “social experiment”.

I’m actually enjoying the experience! Surprisingly. I had no real positive expectations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all good… I’m definitely not interested in most of the men who contact me. A lot of men just look at my pics and don’t read my profile, send messages that say “damn you’re sexy!” or “You’re beautiful I want to get to know you” and we have nothing in common (I actually recently took down most of my pics). Thanks for the compliment, it’s cool but I need a little bit more than that. Some of them are rude. Some just plain crazy and scary- the man whose default picture was of him wearing a patent leather thong and mask gagged by a ball with a chain attached to it which was connected to the thong for instance!  There are men who hassle you if you don’t respond to their advances right away. Can’t forget about the “yoes” with the gold fronts, and hood poses next to cars who’ve messaged me saying things like “what’s goodie”! Then you must also be careful for the rebound dudes who’ve only been single for a couple of weeks/months who then decide they’re getting back with their ex .::sigh::. However, for the most part there are regular people online looking for love! And if not love, then friendship. It’s like “real life” at a much faster pace!

Looking back on my views from a month ago, where I felt the need to be “sneaky” about trying it out, I’m laughing. I’m still shy about the fact that I’m “meeting” men online (if you can call it meeting since it’s digital), but hopefully this post will help with the confidence if I can change some of the stigma that comes along with it. After all, I’m not sure what you all think, but I believe that I can be considered attractive, intelligent, and educated. I have things to offer and bring to a relationship with anyone, so if I’m giving it a shot online, then the odds are that there is a male counterpart doing the same… and who knows, maybe we’ll meet or have met already .::crossed fingers::.

It’s been three (3!) years since my last relationship, and almost two years since my last “long-term situation” ::eye roll:: ended, so I’m confident that I’ve gotten over the things that have kept me purposely single since then. Of course some insecurities and hesitations will probably always be with me, but I don’t think they’re prominent enough in my psyche anymore that they would affect my next relationship. I consider myself healed. I took the time to do it, to work on me, and figure out the things that I want from the next man who will hold a place in my life and I’m okay with who I am and what I want today. So, now I’m feeling confident that I can handle a serious relationship with someone without losing myself again. Don’t misunderstand though, I have absolutely no intentions of falling for just anyone though. I’ve been taking my time to find someone who is right for me, or to let them find me.  I guess this new online dating thing is just something I’ve added to the process. Since I became an adult I’ve never, ever had a hard time meeting men, but we all know my issue is keeping them! LoL so pray for me, cross your fingers, do a rain dance for me! 😉


P.S. uhmm did I mention I was in a BEAUTIFUL wedding this past weekend of two of my oldest friends (known them since middle school). . . so uhh yeah, I wanna get married too. ‘Tis all.


Silence and a Donut

Forgive me for this depressing post. I guess I’m not always laughing at myself. It’s late at night, and I’ll probably  severely edit/delete this post in the morning. I did not read over it, I wrote it on my phone, emailed it to myself then copied & pasted it so please forgive any errors.

There are some days when I can sit in my apartment by myself and not
utter a word for 24 hours or more without even noticing until I check
my call log and realize my last contact with the outer world was two
days before. When I break my silence I always feel like my first
utterances should be some profound product of my silent time that
could’ve have been used for meditation and self reflection. It makes me
sad when those words are usually “good morning can I please have a
medium decaf hazlenut coffee just sugar, no cream”, spoken to a woman
behind a Dunkin’ Donuts counter whom I’m not sure would even understand
my English words had they not pertained to my breakfast order before I
rushed on to work. Would she have been able to conprehend me
explaining to her how lonely it gets in my apartment with only my tv
to make sounds? Or that I’ve tried to find company in relationships
with the wrong men for me and friends who I’m positive don’t
understand me much more than she does because my words are in a
language still kind of foreign to her. My relationships with people
rarely go beyond the surface level “breakfast talk”… Even with the
few people I’ve called best friends (mainly because they’ve given me
the title first), and men that I thought I loved, I don’t think I’ve
ever made a true deep connection with anyone. So I remain silent for
days, not calling anyone or reaching out to anyone because I don’t
know where to begin. I don’t want to talk about the weather or go to a
party, because i am sometimes weary of holding myself up to this facade
I’ve built; my portrayed personality. “we wear the mask that grins and lies” that’s who
I’ve become on the outside. Because I don’t feel close enough to try
to look for solace in any person who “knows” me, I find myself in
Dunkin Donuts, trying to resist the urge to spill my inner most
secrets, withheld words and emotions to a complete stranger, who like
my friends wouldn’t understand what I was saying anyway… So, I stand
there in front of the register, my voice heavy from withholding in
things I dare not say, I repeat my morning routine “Good morning can i
please have a medium decaf hazelnut coffee, just sugar, no cream” …
She asks if that’s all and all too eagerly I say “no!”… “I’d like a
cinnamon donut as well.”

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!     –Paul Laurence Dunbar