Golden Tickets for Everybody!!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been fooled by a Golden Ticket.

I’m talking about Magnum Condoms. Sometimes they just aren’t necessary! There’s no impatient drug store clerk yelling over the intercom for a price check on your regular sized condoms. That’s just for tv.

Remember in the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (by Roald Dahl… or the adapted movie “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”) EVERYONE wanted a golden ticket so they could get into the Factory and witness all of it’s treasures? People were even forging their own Golden Tickets just to get inside. That millionaire from Paraguay had everyone fooled for a little bit. People thought he found the last golden ticket and turns out he was a fraud!

I get upset when my hopes are baited by the golden wrapper and when it’s put in place it doesn’t even fit! WTF, who wants to have a sex with a baggy condom?? Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose? You’re not protecting anyone against pregnancy or diseases if you can’t even keep it on.

If a man wears Magnums solely because of the name and not because he needs them does he not realize that it looks foolish?? Dude, your penis looks WAY smaller in a baggy Magnum than it would in a regular sized condom. A loosely fitting condom gets all slippery (and not in a good way!) and needs to constantly be adjusted. Definitely a mood destructor. I think that would be way more embarrassing and annoying than any intercom price check announcement. Do condoms even come in “size small??” LoL

Anyway, I was on Twitter today and someone tweeted that Ludacris is the new face for Magnum’s most recent campaign. Why not? If he’s Black and he’s a rapper then of course he has a giant penis to go along with his larger than life personality! Right? I won’t even delve into the obvious stereotype that could be implied here. (smh)

…I wonder if the people over at Trojan noticed Ludacris is only like 5’2″. I’ve always heard big things come in little packages! Maybe Ludacris whipped out his wang auditioned for this role.

Apparently Magnum is the most popular condom among African Americans. Not sure where Trojan got their stats from but, whatever. I’m sure Black men and women feed into the bull and buy them just for the “status”. Adding a rapper into the mix just makes sense (straight face). Personally I would’ve gone with someone like Flo Rida or David Banner… Now they look like they could fit a Magnum! 😉

Check out the NYT article for yourself here.



  1. Alright Frenchie,
    It’s me. While I am not a consistent commentator, I do love your blog. I have been able to relate to just about every post. In fact, tonight I experienced the “baggy magnum.” It’s so funny because yesterday I got caught up on your last three posts. (so I have to share)

    Anyway, here is the story. I have not been intimate since January 2010. And I’ve been dating a good looking guy with tremendous swagger, the hot biker boy type since February; not exclusively but regularly. Tonight we fooled around for a while, kissing and caressing. I’m warmed up and ready for it. He takes off his boxers and the smallest penis I have ever seen in my life is exposed. My jaw drops. I can’t believe this man is near 30 and is so small. But we’ve already warmed up. I say to myself…. “Self, maybe he has learned how to work with the little fella over the years; he might surprise you.” He pulls out the condom to wrap it up and it’s a magnum. I watch as he puts it on and in disbelief his entire penis disappears. I will leave the details out but let’s just say I didn’t know anyone was in the house. When we (he) are (is) done he damn near reaches into my house to make sure the magnum leaves with him.

    It’s now 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep because of the disappointment. And the only thing I can think is thank goodness I didn’t make him wait to be committed to me to find this out. Heck, I may never answer his calls again.

    Sleeplessly Disappointed by the Magnum

    P.S. He doesn’t count. lol

    • OMG, I’m sorry but I’m cracking up! That is awful. . . you’re right, he DEFINITELY should be immediately place on the “doesn’t count” list! All of that build up for nothing ::shakes head::

  2. To quote Remy Ma (and this will be the only case where that will EVER happen):

    “….This one dude had me laughin, if it’s just one thing I can’t stand it’s a baggy Magnum….”

    That shit is completely lame! I know you were tryna boost your ego and all but isn’t it counterproductive if I’m just laughin at your ass anyway?!

    You need to tag this under the category “Untruths”.

    • LMAO yeah I’m about to tag it right now!

  3. I agree on David Banner.

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