“I Think This is Why I’m Single”

I’m always in control.

In college I had one guy who was probably to be the type of guy I need. Except back then, he always wandered. We were together at the wrong time in both of our lives. When I reflect on the relationship during the good times, minus the lies… It could have worked had he been at a point in his life then where he was ready to maintain a commitment. He’s an excellent boyfriend now… to someone else. I honestly respect and admire their relationship. He’s grown into an upstanding man, and I think he’s found the right woman for him.

I’m realizing I need someone who will allow me to be the passenger in their figurative “life-car”… I always end up with the guy who is sitting in the backseat of my car while I drive him around to his different stops in his daily life. It proves to be inconvenient to both of us.

I want my life’s journey to be a road trip where we take turns at the wheel.

I want a man who is strong willed yet considerate. Someone whose life isn’t easily taken over by my own. We each have our own goals and destinations and can strive and achieve them at the same time.

My bestie said I need another man like “___”, cuz she hasn’t seen me happy with anyone since him. It’s true. But, I don’t miss him and no longer have romantic feelings for him at all! I’m just looking for someone to bring me a similar balance. One who can deal with my personality that can sometimes seem overbearing when I’m not getting what I need.. A completely different man who knows how to rock with me, connect with me but still have his own personality, likes and dislikes.

I’m single because I tend to take full control when I have the slightest feeling of disorder or when I can feel uncertainty in a man’s actions. I need to be secure. He has to make firm decisions and steady moves. I’m a person who makes lists, and step by step plans and needs a clear direction. My counterpart can’t be passive because I don’t feel safe with passive. He needs to be able to reassure me that he knows what he’s doing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type of woman to question a man’s “manhood”, or openly doubt a man’s ability to be a man. I understand the concept of pride and wouldn’t purposely try to bruise an ego… However I am the type to take care of things when it seems the ball isn’t in motion. I’m infamous for filling in the gaps. This tends to be my downfall in a relationship. So far with the men I’ve had long term dealings with (I won’t say “relationships” because most of the time the title has been there) I’ve ended up taking on all of the weight… I find it leads me to resent him for allowing that to happen.

What I need is someone to carry his own because I have no qualms about being responsible for what I bring to the relationship… But oh wouldn’t it be nice to just ONCE hear “let me carry that for you.” I think I’d love that man forever. And when he falters I’d take on his baggage because I want to, not because I have to… And I’d know for certain that he’ll do the same for me when it’s my turn to stumble.

Until then… I guess I’ll be doing it on my own.



  1. I know I’m so late on this, but I agree wholeheartedly. Great self-analysis.

  2. Lady, I totally feel you. However, here is an observation about men that I have gathered in my many years of dating them from a male perspective. The man you want is going to have to be willing to sit back and let you plan, and not want to interfere with your program, but make plans of his own that will woo you, and you be able to appreciate it. He’s gonna want to make you spontaneous, that is his way of saying “I know you like control, but consider this for a moment”. There are those times when he will have to put some of his strength down, just so that he can become the counterpart you need, then he will pick up the slack at times when you are down. He will then come to remind you of your plan, besides, he’s only listened to you preach and write your plan down to him. He will come, when you are busy and least expect him to come. Adam was busy in the garden, sometimes we are so busy that we forget we are by ourselves, and when God realizes that we have done enough on our own, he puts us to sleep and from ourselves he pulls someone to enjoy life with. Stay busy sister, oh, and beware of when God puts you to sleep and pulls something out of you to make your mate. You may want to fix all parts, lest you want a part of you you didn’t realize existed.

    • That is exactly what I want.
      I’m definitely working on myself in the meantime… while I’ve outlined the type of man, I’m looking for it won’t work if he comes along and I’m not the type of woman HE is looking for. Hopefully we cross paths at the right time.

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