Bag Lady Blues

I know this isnt the Bag Lady pic, but I like this one better!

I know this isn't the Bag Lady pic, but I like this one better!

If we’re currently dating, stop reading this post RIGHT NOW! (please and thanks)

(bear with me… I wrote this kinda of “stream of consciousness” style… then I went back and edited slightly, but it’s still kinda all over the place, I wanted to keep it sincere.)
This post idea came from a guy friend of mine.

“that should be the next blog topic bag lady blues and the horror of holding on”

-my friend

We weren’t really talking about me, but people in general. How can you really help but carry your experiences with you when you move on? I think it all depends on the WAY you carry them and HOW you let them effect your moves in your next relationship. You all know I’ve been on some crazy trips traveling on this love train, but I obviously haven’t given up my faith in dating/love completely. But of course the things I’ve been through affect the way I deal with new situations. I wouldn’t necessarily call it baggage though.

Every now and then I do feel the skeptic in my trying to rear it’s head. I can’t help it. I try to give each man a clean slate, but my past experiences help me to gauge whether or not it’s worthwhile. I want a healthy relationship, love and all that jazz but I’m no longer trying to rush it. I do, however, hear my internal clock ticking each time one of my friends tells me they’re pregnant or getting married. And maybe even a tinge of jealousy (lol, I can’t admit it!). I’m not willing to be as careless with my heart as I once was though, so I’m not jumping into anything just for the sake of catching up.

With every man that I stop seeing, I find myself wondering what I saw in him in the first place. I’ve yet to experience a healthy relationship, and I’m 25. I’ve had two actual boyfriends in my adulthood (before college doesn’t count anymore) and several guys that I’ve “dated” forever. I call myself a serial dater because I always find myself in these long-term non-relationships that last for years with no commitment. I guess I don’t really know how to seal the deal. But the two times it has been official, they ended right at the 6 month mark… #FMDL! [<– f*ck my dating life] I think I may be not so secretly salty about that. I don’t quite feel like a fully developed adult. The other day I was discussing this with CocktailJay and telling her all the things I do at my own expense to make someone else happy and she told me I don’t need a man, I need a child! WTHeck?! Doesn’t she know I’m afraid of babies??

I just need a grown man who knows how to share the load 50/50 and we’ll be fine. I’m willing to compromise some things so that we can BOTH be happy. I’m just no longer willing to be the one carrying the load all of the time, which I think is usually my downfall in men. I don’t think I’ve ever really known how to just “let a man be a man”… I want to be both! I want to nurture and take care of things. I’ve never really given anyone the opportunity to take care of me, be there for me. I’m not even sure anyone has been willing, but I haven’t given myself a chance to find out… Maybe it’s some deep seeded issue with my parents, LoL who knows? I’m no psychiatrist.

My friend Samantha pointed out to that I may have an issue with “middle ground”. LoL I want to go all in or nothing at all… I might need to do some further introspection on this idea. She’s pretty insightful, so maybe she’s seen this in me. I’m either REALLY into a guy, or not interested at all. I haven’t really just let myself go with the flow. It’s a control thing. I’m working on it, I’ve been in so many ambiguous relationships that the lines have gotten sooo blurry. . . (eeek! writing this may have negated my earlier statment that I don’t have bag lady issues! I’m human, sue me!)

CocktailJay, who I treat like my therapist because she’s always helping me rationalize the craziness, challenged me to approach my new situations by doing the OPPOSITE of everything I feel to do instinctively. Eek! It’s hard fighting against what myself wants to do. But I’m finding myself a lil more carefree in dating life. I’m not feeling attached to anyone and I’m giving each experience a chance to prove itself worth it before I invest anything (emotional or physical) into it. Not to say that I’m succeeding 100% in this new theory, but I’m TRYING.

All of that is well and good, I say I’m not rushing it now. . . but I WILL freak out if I’m not in at least a serious relationship by the time I find my first gray hair (and I pray I find it on my head and not somewhere south or else my heart will surely break!). I don’t want to settle so you guys keep your eyes open for a promising gentleman for me who doesn’t mind being slightly patient! LoL, I’m open to suggestions, but I need references. 😛

(if we’re dating and you read this anyway. . . now you can consider yourself warned! LoL)

(if we’ve dated in the past, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!! LMAO j/k)



  1. […] shouldn’t have to ‘work’ at things like that… But I have no middle-ground, remember?). I offered to cook for him on days I knew his shows/games weren’t on… Really what 20 […]

  2. Oh yeah and I’ve posted a new entry to my blog! Please check it out!

  3. After talking to co workers (some divorced some married) God parents, my Pastor, etc. I came to the realization that we have plenty of time to meet “the one” My pastor told me that “haste makes waste” and I believe that. I also have friends that are either dating or getting married within the next year and I say more power to them. The way statistics are of marriages lasting these days, I’m good on that end until I really know I’m ready lol. In the mean time I’ve just been loving me, traveling, trying new hobbies, making new friends. I think when you stop “living” to devote yourself to your significant other until marriage you end up losing sight of yourself and missing out on a lot. So just keep on trucking and love will eventually come. I know it sounds cliche’ but its the truth.

  4. After talking with my co-workers (some divorced, some married), my God Parents, Pastor, etc. I came to the realization that I (we) have plenty of time to find “the one” My Pastor said that “haste makes waste” and I believe that. I also have a lot of friends who are currently dating or will be getting married next year and I say more power to them. With the statistics of marriages lasting these days, I’m good on that end until I REALLY know I’m ready lol. In the mean time, I’ve just been loving life and myself. Traveling, finding new hobbies, making new friends. None of which my friends who are dating/getting married have done, and I feel like at our age when you put “living” on hold to wait until after you get married, by then I hate to say its too late, but it kinda is. Keep on trucking girl. It will come. I know it sounds cliche to say that but its the truth. By the way, posted a new entry to my blog!

  5. I was reading this I think you know me to Minus the serial dating thing. I don’t like to date’s just a let down to me. But I think we used what we learned from our past relationship or lack there of and try not to make the same mistakes..and watch for the warning signs.

    Also, I’m so used to being independent I don’t allow men to do for me. But like you said..for me it comes from how I was raised. I started doing for myself early on and it just stuck with me. I’m teaching that to my daughter cuz I don’t her dependent on a man or anyone else to get what she wants.

    I don’t have any suggestions on men….but you know that by reading my blogs…lmao

  6. I really like what CocktailJay said about doing the opposite, but for me it’s not doing the opposite of what I feel instinctively to do (cus my instincts are usually on point), it’s doing the opposite of what I normally do (sometimes that means not listening to my instincts when they say, “Don’t call him or text him after he did or said something stupid and totally disrespectful, no matter how fine he is.”)
    It’s funny how I focus more on my instincts and less on the animalistic urge to be with a grimy n*gg* cuz he’s charming and handsome, and keeps popping up. He’s grimy and doesn’t deserve me. Period!
    Don’t worry about that biological clock. Play the game like a strategist, it’s fun!! You’ll find what works for you, and KNOW that you will find your man.
    And lastly, how much in love with yourself are you? I would focus on that too. He’ll be attracted by your light 😉

  7. I still think that baby is a good idea, but I agree. You definitely have to let a man be a man. In the end, your relationships feel like you were used because you were. When we give so much, we make it easy for them to take. But who wouldn’t take? Stop being so nice and make these suckas work for stuff. Gifts only on holidays, and thats after you open your gifts and see what they got you first! Let’s do this!

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