She Don’t Have to Know. . .

John Legend

Hey Lovelies!

I started writing this post the other day and it just became WAY too long. I thought to myself “No one is gonna sit here and read this!” LoL… so this is my condensed version (it’s still long though, so you may want to get a snack first! lol).

I’ve wanted to write about this for SO long, but I refrained because I didn’t want to “expose” anyone or hurt their feelings. But I’ve been mulling it over and over lately and decided to finally write it. I am no longer concerned about who may be upset about it, because they obviously weren’t worried about what their actions would do to me when they were creating my story line.  Another reason I did not want to write this is because I was worried what other people (not involved) would think, and it’s reflection on me. However, I simply don’t care anymore. I’m getting this off my chest, because maybe someone who reads this will be able to relate.

And if you already know this post is about you, then I think you should just be grateful I’m not putting your real name in it!

I was involved with this guy a couple years ago. He wasn’t my boyfriend but I was SMITTEN with him. We dated on and off for a year and change. He seemed so close to everything I thought I was looking for. Very intelligent, nice looking, well dressed… He got along great with my friends, but didn’t smother me partly because he lived an hour away and was pretty much an all around gentleman. He said he was celibate because of his past relationship with his ex girl friend and I respected that. We had our little spats from time to time of course. Mostly about his ex or about mine who I still had a close relationship with. Coincidentally his ex happened to  date my ex before any of the rest of us met or got involved each other. . . small world.

When it was finally over between “He” and I (I know that grammatically that word should be ‘him’ but this is his name for the purpose of this story), I was crushed. It was 2 days before my birthday, and I had just been to see him with a group of my friends as a kickoff to my birthday weekend. He sent me a text while I was at IHOP with my friends, basically breaking up with me for no reason other than it “beginning to feel too much like a relationship”. It was BULL, and my friends (consisting of 3 girls and a guy) were all outraged for me. LoL, of course that’s how good friends are supposed to react!

My close guy friend who had never met “He” before that night but had been speaking to He on AIM during the time we were dating immediately swore he was going to stop communication, my bestie  and my other girls also decided he was completely whacked and he didn’t deserve anymore attention.  Mine or theirs. Good we’re all on the same page. Time to MOVE ON!

I know that should be the end of our story. He and Me. But I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I can’t do it. My mother thinks it’s one of my better qualities, but I think it sometimes makes me seem like a pushover, which I’m not.  Neither here nor there. We became cool again after several months of not really speaking to each other at all. I really don’t even remember how we sparked a friendship again. There weren’t really any romantic feelings any longer, but I guess there was still somewhat of tension there (maybe because we’d never actually done “the do”, but had always gotten right up to it before cutting it out). He ended up moving to my city for a job, we were basically neighbors. Looking after each other’s apartments when out of town, borrowing sugar, all that neighborly crap.

I said before he was a guy who took pride in his appearance. Before he went out for the night I was always over there going through his closets and putting my two cents in about his wardrobe. One day I was over there (I think it was shortly after he moved in), I was helping him hang his jeans, and came across a pair that looked familiar.

me: These jeans. . . they have your initials on them.

him: oh yeah…

me: “Friend” has a pair JUST like them!

him: I know, he made them for me. I saw his and asked him to make me a pair.

me: What? When??

him: he did them for me at this BBQ

me: I didn’t even know you guys even spoke to each other still.

I didn’t dwell on it, because I really didn’t care. I did call “friend” up immediately and express my shock that he’d actually linked up with him without telling me! Friend called me back several times that day to apologize. I wasn’t even upset, it really wasn’t a big deal to me. BUT Him was on a rant about Friend and was basically in a tiff because he apologized to me. Get over it!  He insisted that no MAN would apologize for something so stupid. Whatever, I don’t care!

After that, almost every time I mentioned my friend, Him would bad mouth him. Every chance he got he’d express how annoying Friend was, how he’d never get into the fraternity he was trying so hard to join, all the way down to things as stupid as the grain and growth pattern of his hair. I know I wondered to myself a couple of times how he’d even know what Friend’s hair looked like if he’d only seen him once. Damn I guess he saw it in his Facebook pictures or something! How rude.

Late one night I was in the laundromat with Friend and our girl friend while they did their laundry. Friend said he had something he wanted to share with me, he’d been trying to link up for about 2 weeks but we just couldn’t get it together. I asked “girl friend” if she knew what he wanted to tell me… at first she sorta acted like she knew what he might want to say by saying like “he should tell you himself”. . . then a few days later she had no idea what it was. At first I figured she knew since she was a little closer to friend than I was, even though we were all ‘family’.

Anyway, while we were sitting in the laundromat Friend texts me “I sleep with boys”….  I guess he was uncomfortable saying the words to me out loud. I wasn’t surprised at all. Just surprised that he was finally admitting it. Everyone always talked about him, calling him gay, but he denied it. So I ALWAYS stuck up for him. Saying he was “metrosexual” not gay.  I was glad he was being honest. It didn’t change our friendship one bit! I sat there listening to him finally being open with me. Laughing at some of his stories of his sexcapades. Turns out girl friend already knew. He’d told her a few months before. She wasn’t surprised either! Of course not. He’s not what some people would call a “big queen”, but he definitely isn’t the manliest of men. Always a gentleman either way. He almost reminded me of “Him”, personality wise.

I sat there rolling the idea around in my head thinking about A LOT of things that started to make sense. Like all of his dates that he never let me meet, and situations he’d ask my advice on but the women would never have names or physical descriptions. Apparently he’s bisexual and slept with boys and girls. Fine, with me.

All of a sudden DING DING DING!!!

me: Friend. . . did you sleep with Him?

him: No.

me: are you telling me the truth?

him: yes. I would never do that to you.

me:  (skeptical look)

Him: why’d ask me that?

me: just curious.

A few minutes later, Friend goes to the bathroom. I turned to Girl Friend like “Did he just lie to me??” and she confirms.

For the next few weeks I made it my mission in life to rip a confession out of both Friend and Him. Friend denied it so vehemently that he resorted to calling me names, comparing himself to Jesus (as they were both accused of lying… and then were crucified on a cross??), he called me all sorts of names and things out of my character.  It actually almost came down to an actual physical altercation in public. We were in a club in DC for Girl Friend’s birthday. He chose to try to address the situation there. I told him several times that I did not want to talk about it. So since he insisted on addressing my disgust for him it escalated into a shouting match. I swear it was just like arguing with another chick! What man do you know will engage in a (high pitched) shouting match, including name calling with a female in the club?? If one of my girls hadn’t grabbed me by my waist just in time I would’ve jumped on top of him as he went down the stairs.

After this dude drags my name and character through the mud, bad mouthing me to whomever he felt the need… he decides he needs to come clean! Dude I already knew. It was already confirmed. Save your apology, I don’t want it. And being friends is out of the question! I’m not a person who holds grudges but I’m not stupid either. I can forgive someone and move on at the same time. I’ve gotten a few written apologies from him, and I’m cordial, even nice sometimes when I happen to be in the same place as him. I need him to know that what he did was NOT okay. It was NOT acceptable, and for most people, not even forgivable. The next chick may not be so nice.

And as for “Him”. . . he’s still in denial about his sexuality. He’s in a pretend world. I hear he broke Friend’s heart. I think it’s good for him. I wonder if there was a lesson learned in it for either of them.

I think from now on I need a reference from any man’s last 3 sexual partners and some character witnesses before I get involved!  Oh well, you live and you learn! What are we without our life experiences? No one.

“Even Christ was perceived as a liar before he was hung on the cross” -Friend


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18 Comments

  1. I loved this story. I am sorry you had to deal with that, but it was a learning experience. You hate to be like “all men are dogs” but you can never really get an opportunity to let your guard down, otherwise things like your story will happen. I was on the edge of my seat the entire I was reading. I also enjoyed reading “We Used to Have Sex” (Boy can I relate!) lol. I have just started a blog of my own @ http://missbrownsitc.blogspot.com/ and I would love for you to read it sometime! Keep up the good work, and I will definately continue reading.

  2. I love it. You are an amazing story teller. And that’s right, this is a topic that needs to be discussed. We’re always talking about how women do this, it’s a new age and is happening more frequently with men.

    Men be who you are, be honest with us so we can decide if we want to be with someone that chooses to sleep with men.

  3. I have to say that i appreciate this post. it mad go hard, most definitely your style…but the appreciation comes because you are putting some more undercover brothas on blast! This needs to happen more often. The whack individuals who do this undercover shit really are putting so many of us in danger. My little brother now has HIV due to a shady individual who was doing undercover dirt…that shit is putting people lives at risk and its not fair, its not cool, and to be honest its a really bitch ass move. If you gonna be GAY, just be that. Theres nothing wrong with that. what wrong is acting like you arent GAY. Doing this both ways thing with out the people who you are having sex with knowing is like driving on the highway against traffic…you may duck and dodge a few cars but sooner or later you are headed for a head on collision with death. So thank you Tiff for this post. you only put two of these FAGS (only using the derogatory word for these whack ass niggas) on blast, but that puts the rest of these sorry ass Niggas on notice…we not taking that shit no more! Be you…Gay or not…be you and stop pretending! quote the hater nevermore!

  4. wow i love your blog. its amazing lolz!! Im new to this whole blogging thing so if u could check out my blog bossyshyt.wordpress.com and give me some feedback/comments that would be great. thanx 🙂

  5. Wait…was the celibacy story just a cover up for his “homo-ness”?

  6. ugh i will never understand guys that wont admit who they really are. Most people aren’t as ignorant as people assume. What a mess, hope HE figures his issh out!

  7. I’m feeling this..but some friends aren’t truly freinds…we realize that after the fact though.

  8. I could go on for days (as you know I can), but I will just say:
    Go thing you didn’t “do”…”he” and we (like I know him…lol) know “friend” was a fairy if he would argue with you and be a bold-face liar.
    Good post!

  9. I don’t have any problems with homosexual/bisexual men but, I do have a problem with them when they can’t be honest about their sexual orientation especially, if it is so APPARENT they are gay (i.e.apparent in their speech, sense of fashion, etc.). Those in the closet homos need to be true to their self and to those who care about them.

  10. I loved it! The only thing that would of made it better would be dropping names. Being nice is over rated, especially when people are only gonna try and screw you over in the end. Forget being nice…peopel need to start being REAL. Thank you for keeping it REAL Tiff!

  11. After reading this, I have mixed feelings.

    • . . . care to share?

      • Well we’re friends so here goes……
        “I am no longer concerned about who may be upset about it, because they obviously weren’t worried about what their actions would do to me when they were creating my story line. Another reason I did not want to write this is because I was worried what other people (not involved) would think, and it’s reflection on me. However, I simply don’t care anymore. I’m getting this off my chest, because maybe someone who reads this will be able to relate.”

        I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from. Mainly you’re disclaimer at the beginning. You know I’m a strong advocate for “I don’t give a rat’s ass” mentality, but I feel (just my opinion) you didn’t have to state that. You’re right, it’s a reflection on you, and I’m shocked you even wrote about it. BUT, because I’m one up on others about the topic, I understand you had to get it off your chest.

        On the otherside, I know I have commented on how I feel about it (still think it’s fucked up), but I just think that going this route is a bit harsh. I thoroughly understand you’re not concerned about other’s feelings, because they weren’t thinking about yours, but be prepared for backlash if any. Would hate to see an E-War in Iraq go down.

        Told you I had mixed feelings 🙂

      • I definitely understand the mixed feelings now. I wont engage in an E-War with anyone about it though! LoL.

        My intentions weren’t to start a back and forth with the people involved, but just to share my story. They’re free to state their feelings and opinions about me posting it on my blog (even without using their names, I guess people close enough to us will figure it out). I won’t be mad if they express themselves about it without being disrespectful.

        I don’t feel like I disrespected anyone in what I’ve written. This is my perspective on how it played out. I can see people being upset about it. Not intentionally trying to hurt people’s feelings BUT just like they didn’t consider mine, I also don’t feel badly about writing it. . . not yet anyway :-/

  12. Undercover men are so disappointing. Please give me the option to decide if I wan’t to sleep with men who sleep with men. Stop being so selfish.

    And I know that being the friend stuck in the middle can be hard, but at what point do you think…hey…what’s more important?

    …protecting one friend’s dirty little (or not so little) secret.
    …or protecting another friend’s health & physical well-being from that same dirty secret.

    He would’ve gotten over being exposed eventually. Hell, he was planning to expose himself anyway. You, however, may not have gotten over the HIV that you could’ve contracted messing around with someone who is too much of a bitch to own up to the fact that he’s gay.

    Here is a tip for you closet queens: If you can’t handle the consequences… don’t do the action. It’s that easy.

  13. i feel like i’ve heard a similar story before. in either case, the “friend” is more concerned about secrecy of their sexuality (or that of the closeted “him”) and the fact that they are screwing over a good friend falls into the background.

    is homosexuality still really that taboo??? its 2009, do what makes u happy, but if your pursuit of happiness means disrespecting a friendship, u’re trifling! and ur sexual preference has nothing to do with that so dont use it as a crutch.

    • I agree. The issue wasn’t about either of their sexuality, it was about me trusting both of them and getting screwed over. If “Friend” was a girl, it would have been just as bad, and still blog worthy!

  14. LMAO!

    You are a GREAT story teller. Your new name is Tiff “mother goose” French!


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