You Can’t See Through Smudgy Glasses

Photo Dec 16, 10 35 10 PM

Why don’t people say what they mean?? Especially in those times where it’s necessary to be transparent because it’s going to come back and bite us in our asses.

A man says “I’m not looking for a relationship, but if the right one comes along I may be open to it.” and a woman who was just  browsing the Jared’s website and sending links to her fellow single ladies will reply “Oh me either! I just want to date and go with the flow.” <– Why do we tell these lies out loud??

OR

A woman will say “I’ve been in a few situations where we weren’t on the same page and he wasn’t ready for a commitment and I was. I’m dating in hopes of being in a relationship at some point” (wait are we ever that straightforward? Yes, sometimes) and the man she’s speaking to will say “I think I’m ready to settle down. I’m at that age where I’m done with the games and I could be ready for something serious”. Despite all of the passive wording in his response he is convincing and she will let ALL of her guards down and let him in(to her heart her home and her vagina)! Immediately.

So what happens three or four months down line when he’s suddenly withdrawing from this woman who has prepared herself fully for “more” with this man who never really wanted to be in a relationship, not even just with her, but at all?? Neither of them were really honest about their intentions or expectations. She can’t understand why he’s no longer calling and texting like he used to. He’s not inviting her over anymore, they don’t go on dates now and she’s wondering why he hasn’t asked her about Valentine’s Day plans yet. It’s probably because she’s not, nor will she ever be his girlfriend, his wife or his Valentine.

(Here’s where I lost the rest of my post! But uhh… I tried to recreate the gist of it. Kinda failed, but I didn’t want to waste the 2 hours I spent writing this post -_- )

Just because you’re talking, spending time together regularly, checking in, having sex, and doing things that people who care about each other do doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. All of those ingredients aren’t necessarily the full recipe for a relationship. I’ll say again that I’m no relationship expert. In fact I know very little about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. A person can know all of the right things to put into a cake but if they don’t know how to mix it or how long to bake it then all you have is a bowl of eggs, flour and sugar and you can’t call that a cake, right??

It’s important to be clear in our intentions and expectations of one another to avoid these pseudo relationship situations. The world is a lot clearer when you wipe the finger smudges off your glasses! Why do we talk in codes and riddles, lying to ourselves and others in hopes that we say the right thing to make the other person like us?? Humans are tricky!

I have to take …

I have to take a minute to stop and pray when I have days that begin this way . . .

Woke up late today. Heavy feeling in my chest. Had a disagreement in a text that began with “good morning” <– those are supposed to be sweet aren’t they? Now I’m sitting at my desk feeling so blah. Ugh, I hate this figurative place.

Good Morning

.Image
 
My shower gets crowded in the morning.
 
I stand there thinking of you.
Not in the morning bliss type of way,
More like something I miss type of way.
 
The water over my shoulder cascades, falling away.
But that image of you posted on my minds wall won’t seem to fade.
 
Did I mention I hear you?
Your voice visits me there daily.
The times I said I love you and u said u didn’t.
When you said to sleep with that girl is what you wanted,
But somehow ended up in my bed in stead.
 
So now when I stand here exhaling trying to relax,
All I am is taken back.
I’m standing here with you, the bed, the girl you said you’d rather,
The clothes I bought, all of us getting soaking wet together.
 
But this, this isn’t drowning.
This crowded memory of us is me surviving.
Is it that I want it to die?
Can u blame me for wishing harm on this memory that is no longer my reality?
It was never really sweet anyway..

There’s Snow Excuse!

So this guy asked me out. Cool, sure. Then he tells me he lives in Bridgeport, CT after leading me to believe he lived in the same city as I do. Mmm… fine, but I’m not driving to you until I decide I like you. Mainly because you felt the hour drive wasn’t a big deal before you said anything.

Anyway, while planning our second date, (first date went pretty well… if you are my FB friend you already know the other conflicts I had with this man lol) he says “It’s supposed to snow my car don’t do well in snow”. That’s understandable, so I suggest just getting together another day. THEN he turns around and says “can you come to me… in Bridgeport?”

HELL NO!

Seriously, dude?? You don’t want to come down here because you don’t want to mess up your car, BUT I must come to you. Ehh, no! (In my Michael Kyle voice)

Then he says something about a bar he wants to show me, and me coming up there not being the reason he mentioned his car not doing well in snow. . . Sir? So what was the reason you said it?? And lead with it at that!

There was more conversation after this but you gt my point. Really though, men? Is that how it is now??

No Church in the Wild

Is Godless the new it thing to be??

I told you all a while ago that I was giving online dating a try. And now that I’m writing this I realize that I haven’t been giving updates on it. lol sorry! I have had some really interesting experiences in the world of dating websites. REALLY interesting. However, this post isn’t really about that specifically. I’ll fill you in with the strange stories at another time. Right now this is specifically on the topic of religion in dating, or lack thereof.

Most dating sites that I’ve seen contain a section on each person’s profile where they can state their religion. There is also the option to put “non-religious” or “other”. For the most part, I haven’t been taking this section too seriously. I kinda glance over it but not really taking a mental note of what guys have chosen to put there. I’m usually more concerned about what they’ve marked as their highest level of education, smoking, drugs and if they have children. I guess I just assumed that “non-religious” means they just don’t go to church often, ya know they believe in God, but they’re not “bible-thumpers” or they usually only talk to God under breath when they’re in a sticky situation. I know a million people who have this similar relationship with God. I’d consider this non-religious, but they acknowledge a greater presence.

I moved to New York a few moths ago and I haven’t stopped dating. I was kinda anxious to see what the NY dating scene has to offer. I’ve actually been on several dates since I’ve been here. I met most of these guys the traditional way. When you meet a man in a restaurant, a bar, at the grocery store or stalking the entryway at the gym pretending to work out, wherever your preferred hunting location is, one of your first questions isn’t usually “Sooo, what’s your relationship with God?” (is it?). Well mine isn’t. And maybe that’s something that I’m doing wrongly.

Anyway, I went on this date a few weeks ago with a guy that I met online. He seemed pretty cool. Our phone conversations were nice. He was good looking, educated, a great CREATIVE job. If you know me, you know I love a man that dreams and actively pursues his goals. And I would LOVE to find a man doing all of those things and able to write me a song, spit some poetry and paint me a mural.  Yes, all of those things! At the same time. LoL! So this dude picks a really nice wine bar in Harlem as the setting for our initial date. He told me to look for the guy in button up sweater, track pants and Kangol hat. <– my response to this was “wait, are you serious??” He had a good laugh and told me not to turn my car around, he was kidding, just wearing a gray sweater. Cool, he’s funny too!

The conversation was nice, none of those awkward pauses, UNTIL we got to subject of religion. That’s were everything went south quickly! Before I go on, please don’t get me wrong thinking I’m passing judgement on this guy because of his beliefs. I’m no sacrosanct. I’m actually in the process of rebuilding my own relationship with my God. However, because I am in this process, I feel like I need someone who has SOME kind of belief in God. Actually I’ve always felt this way. And it’s never really been an issue.

I asked him “Do you believe in God?” His response was something to the effect of “well I know there has to be something out there because I know that the voice I talk to in my head isn’t myself”. <— Now this! Really, I guess I could have taken that statement several ways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume this man is crazy and is really just hearing voices. I guess we all have these types of dialogues in our heads, right? Fine. He believes in something, I thought. But then every statement he made on the subject after that contradicted it. He said if he were to be married and have children he’d be extremely upset if his wife were to take his children to church or even talk about God to them at all. He argues with his best friend all of the time on the subject of God. He couldn’t understand why I was saying I couldn’t stay out too late because I “had to go to church in the morning”. Asking “Why do you have to?” as if there was something wrong with the commitment I made to sing the next day at service. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why I feel like I have to (yes, have to) stand by my word when I give it. He made it seem as if I was saying I was bound to something that was ridiculous in his opinion. PLENTY of awkward pauses after this. Everything he said after started to sound more and more loopy, even after moving on to other topics of conversation. It just kept coming back to it. We obviously weren’t compatible for many reasons. He even said something to the effect of wanting a real laid back girl who doesn’t always have to be dressed up. That’s fine, but I’m not that girl. I’m prissy, dressy, and I don’t think laid back is a term I’d use to describe myself. Nope!

Once again, I’ll say that I’m not judging anyone for how they feel on the subject of religion. But how can you build a solid relationship when there are such major differences in your fundamental principles upon which you build your lifestyles? I feel that inside the walls of a relationship, one both parties should feel safe and free to share their feelings, fears and beliefs with one another. You shouldn’t fear accidentally or purposely broaching the subject of God and spirituality in order to avoid conflict or being mocked by your partner.

I’ve been going through my life thinking the majority of this country had some kind of religious affiliation. But since this particular date I’m noticing SO many men who have chosen to select “non-religious” on their profile. Now, I seem to be clicking away from these profiles because I’m not sure exactly what that means. And really, I don’t want to spend the time to find out. . . I’m seeing dudes with huge tattoos on their biceps of praying hands or “only God can judge me” but they aren’t religious. I don’t get it! Is religion a fashion statement, or something that dictates your manliness?

What do you all think? I am I letting one not-so-good experience get in the way of possibly making a connection with a good guy? Could my original assumption of the definition of “non-religious” actual be true for most, or should I take the words at face value from now on?

Cocoa Sarai – The Black and White [INTERVIEW]

French Kissez recently got the opportunity to interview a wonderfully talented, up and coming musical artist. She’s having a release party THIS Thursday for her second album “The Black and White” at Dominion NY.

We love her already! Read the interview below.

French Kissez: How would you describe your music style to those that aren’t familiar with you yet? Do you have favorite artists right now that you pull inspiration from?

Cocoa Sarai: I use to call it pop-soul, Now its just me. Most people call it R&B some call it soul, some call it pop. I call it Cocoa lol. Its Soul dipped in chocolate. I’m listening to a lot of Stevie Wonder right now. Ive been on a serious Stevie Wonder binge for the last month or so. Hes a musician so I guess its been me wanting to be inspired so that my live shows with the band can become even more dynamic then they already are.

FK: This is your second release. What are your hopes for this album? What is the biggest thing you would like for people to take away from listening to your music?

CS: My biggest dream would be for the album to spread wide enough for me to be able to do a world wide tour and have millions of fans everywhere. Maybe that’s every artist’s dream but if it is then I share the exact same sentiments. I want people to walk away feeling as if the product is worth every penny. I want them to appreciate the lyrics, vocal performance, production, artwork, etc. For them to not feel robbed. I put a lot into this Ive learned a lot and I hope that people love it as much as I do…

FK: Your first album was self-produced and independently released when you were just 21. You’re still so young but you already have so much experience under your belt. What major lessons did you learn when putting your first album together and how did they help you shape your upcoming release, “Black and White”?

CS: Well, I definitely learned how important a team is!!!!! I did not know a lot of the things I know now about marketing and PR (public relations) and promoting. I did everything on my own the first time because I had to. This time my management and PR made it much easier to just create. They were like “Cocoa stay in the studio and we’ll handle the rest” I’m extremely hands on with EVERYTHING but they make it easier wayyyyyy easier. I definitely understand now that being a songwriter is different from being an artist. So just because I can write it, it doesn’t really mean I should be the person to sing it. I always prided myself on being able to write every genre and I’m still learning, but now I understand myself as an artist even more. I’ve grown, I’M grown, I’m not afraid to be completely myself because I know who that person is now.

FK: How did you arrive at the name “Black and White”?

CS: Its actually called “THE Black and White” Black and White to most are merely colors, Its used to describe something being THIS or THAT. A lot of people strive to be that “Black and White:’ type of person because its safer not to feel. LIFE is about the colors, the ups and downs. Naming the album The Black and White is my proclamation of the “Colors” that make us human. Not to mention my hair has been black and white for 10 months, I guess it was the universe’s way of foreshadowing..

FK: What song on this album do you consider “your baby”, the one you feel most connected to, and how does it pertain to your life?

CS: That is such a a hard question because I love them all. My favorites change every day depending on my mood. One minute Im in a “”black and blue” kinda mood and the next Im in a “Memories for suckers” kinda mood. Thats probably my favorite right now, well today at least!

FK: Ok, so this wouldn’t be French Kissez if we didn’t delve into love, relationships and heartache! After listening to “Raining in My Room”, I couldn’t help but wonder; what is the story behind it?

CS: Ill try to condense it. In 2010 my house burned down, I went through a bad break up and I was staying in a Loft. There was a tornado in Brooklyn around that time and it was raining really really hard. I was coming back from a meeting with my old manager and he had a cd of tracks. The irony is that I was telling him about my issue with my ex before he put the cd on. I talked about my issues all the way up until track 6, the music came on I stopped talking and started freestyling the way I do most of my songs. i told him what the title was going to be and that was that. My loft had huge windows so the thunderstorm looked and felt as if it was in the middle of the room. I started writing the song. Lost the track and called it a lost cause. A year later the producer finds me on facebook and sends me the record, Fellow songwriter Rich Lowe stopped by and we finished it. When I began writing it, I missed my ex and wanted to be back with him, We didnt get back together and Im so thankful now that he let me drown lol, Someone better came along to save me🙂

FK: You’ve also done some modeling, you’ve been featured in VIBE VIXEN; does being in front of the camera feel as organic to you as standing behind the mic? Have you noticed men approaching you differently now?

CS: I have never considered myself a model, I never wanted to be, I still dont want to be lol. I always felt like the ugly duckling growing up. I just knew I could sing. I only began taking pictures because its apart of being an artist. My makeup artist Londyn- Nikole and I met when I was 19 and she had me do a few shoots, people always said I was a natural so I guess its almost as simple as singing minus the ugly soulful faces lol. Im thankful for the features and the people that admire my look. If the woman I am now would have told “3rd grade Cocoa” that Id be a model, I wouldn’t believe her lol. Men are men, Men do men things. By high school I gained a lot of attention. I sang all the time and I wore heels almost everyday…I just love shoes so Im use to it now but always thankful. Im fully aware that no on has to take time out of there day to say “I think you’re beautiful”  What surprises me now is the women that actually approach me, it always catches me off guard

FK: Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions!

CS: Thank you for liking my music and actually reading my bio, for feeling that Im interesting enough to even interview, this interview was fun and I appreciate the opportunity🙂

I’ll definitely be in attendance for her album release! I posted the flyer below. Come join us in support.

Use these links to check her out. Follow her on twitter, she’s definitely one to watch!

www.cocoasarai.com
www.twitter.com/cocoasarai
www.myspace.com/cocoasarai
www.youtube.com/cocoasaraitv
www.facebook.com/cocoasarai

So, I Changed My Life

. . . and now I’m back! I don’t know if you all noticed, but I’ve been missing from the blogosphere since July. I was really unhappy about a lot of things (life, career, love… all of that!) In the past few months my life has turned in a completely different direction. I feel more confident about where I’m headed.

If you follow me on Facebook and Twitter you may already know that since my last post:

  • I moved back to New York – I love and miss Baltimore and the DMV but I’m HOME now!
  • I got my real estate license – I’m sooo excited about the flexibility this will allow for all of my side hustles : writing, events, just all around creativity.
  • I haven’t stopped dating – it never stops being fun and weird to me! Stories to come.

I haven’t been posting, but the ideas haven’t stopped flowing! There is so much I want to share with you all. I even came up with a new series I want to incorporate called “Letters to My Exes”. It would be a bunch of letters from me to men I’ve been involved with, I don’t want it to be depressing more like a romantic comedy where I don’t end up with the guy in the end! LoL but I have to figure out to present it in a way that creates the least amount of pissitivity among them. I can’t take the hate texts I tend to receive when my blog gets REAL! Men are sensitive too😉

Also look forward to more art, fashion, interviews and events on French Kissez in 2012. I figure I’m in NY, why not take advantage of surroundings?? So, HAPPY NEW YEAR (almost 3 weeks late) and all that jazz. I promise I’ll never leave you for this long ever again (for real this time)!!