Betcha Can’t Find It!

It's Just Like Hide & Seek

Thanks to Google’s new invention Google Wave, I have yet another way to waste time at work. I rarely wave one on one. I’m into group chats! <– Sounds kinky when I say it like that, right? Anyway my friends don’t believe in censoring themselves, so these wave conversations GO IN! We talk about everything. A couple of times the female orgasm has become a serious topic.

From talking to these guys I’ve come to learn how little men really know (or care) about how to get a woman to “that place”.  Seriously, the things my male friends have said about their intimate “secrets” has my female friends and I calling “BULL SHIT!”… I think women are faking it for these men way too often and they’re starting to get big heads. I think women, all women should never fake it again. Maybe this dose of reality will have them trying harder to satisfy us.

One friend bragged about “stabbing her cervix” . . . Sir that hurts! That’s pain not pleasure! Another even referred to a clitoris as that thing he’s never been able to find. Ladies, we’re in TROUBLE!!! If you can’t even find her clitoris, how are going to find her sweet spot?? Please don’t let me start on the Cold Tongue = Orgasm theory. You wouldn’t believe it if I tried to explain it. I don’t even believe it.

I think most men are just sticking it in and hoping for the best—for themselves.  I’m over it.

Look What I Can Do!

Puppy Love! lmao

Who doesn’t remember their first time? (well some of you don’t, but. . . yikes!)

You already know I’ve been reminiscing more than ever so far in 2010. Recently I was talking with my “First” on facebook. Conversations with him always bring about a feeling of nostalgia. I’m transported back to high school, when I was the good girl who was shy around the boys I liked. This dude was more than the guy who broke me into my womanhood, he was really my first love. I would’ve done anything for him back then. And I knew he sincerely loved me too. He used to walk me home after school even though I lived nowhere near him. He went at least an hour out of his way to do it. He bought me gifts, even if it was just a candy bar or a lollipop. He always had candy. I actually still have a ring he bought me with a pink heart shaped stone set in it. It came in a red heart shaped box. Of course as young people do, we used to break up every other week and get back together. I think it was mostly my fault though. When I was 14 , 15 & 16 I wasn’t fully capable of telling him how I felt all of the time. He used to try hard but I was quiet, and barely able to look him in the eye when we were around each other sometimes. I’d shut up completely when other people were around too. I eventually grew out of it with him, but clearly I’ve always been bad with interacting with men.

Not to say that he didn’t have any faults. He kissed other girls while we were supposed to be together. He broke up with me and started dating this girl my friends and I used to call “the yo-yo”, who was supposed to be his “female best friend” (b.s.). She was pretty but had the biggest set of teeth I’ve ever seen! And she had the nerve to be the type of girl who laughs out loud with her head thrown back and mouth wide open… smh. I digress. Our troubles were a little bit of both of us.

Despite the shortcomings in our relationship, the summer after he graduated when I was 15, he convinced me it was something that needed to happen and he charmed his way into my undies. We weren’t officially together or dating anymore but we still hung out and talked consistently. This day picked me up in his grandparents E320 Mercedes (my favorite car back then because it had circle lights… it’s the little things that attract me to everything lol). I wore my shortest pair of short shorts. Funny that I can remember my legs sticking to the leather seats, but I can’t remember if we planned to “do it” that day or if I just had a feeling it was going to happen. Anyway, I was prepared… if anyone can really ever be prepared for their first time.

I’ll spare you guys the details, but I will say I was scared. I definitely think it could be closest I’ve come to an out of body experience. I watched an entire program on Animal Planet (or maybe it was the Discovery channel) about Hippos giving birth. How ironic, I know. The sight of that should have completely threatened me out of the act I was trying to accomplish at the moment! I was determined to permanently misplace my V-Card.

I don’t know about you all, but my first time on that bike was definitely a disaster. It wasn’t the beautiful fairy tale that I imagined it would be. I did feel special because I loved him, but thinking back it’s up there with the worst sex I’ve ever had. LoL, but definitely the most meaningful.

After talking to him casually on Facebook I got on Twitter! I received sooo many responses to this tweet :

You ever wanna go back & have sex with your “first”,  just to say hey “these are all the things I’ve learned since my first lesson” #justme?

Most people said they’d definitely do it. Some said they already had. I got one “no” and two “I can’t comment” replies <– lol @ people commenting to say they can’t comment… that’s a YES!

If he was still a single man I would recreate that day in a heartbeat. This time I’d give him some of the best “stuff” I’ve acquired over the past decade. I’d set my place up just like his grandparents’ basement and act all innocent again, then I’d say “Hey! Look what I can do now!” … LoL okay I won’t go into more detail but that afternoon would be full of grown up activities this time!

SiX Months In This Game!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO FRENCH KISSEZ!!

(well actually our  6 month anniversary was yesterday but hey better late than never!)

Thank you ALL so much for reading, commenting, emailing, Facebooking, just everything. I appreciate you for stopping me when you see me to tell me you liked (or disliked) my latest posts. Every type of feedback keeps me going. I know I’m not always consistent with the posting, but I’m going to get it together soon! LoL

And also a special shout out to all the men who’ve given me these dating experiences to write about. If it weren’t for your foolishness, FrenchKissez wouldn’t exist!

“Almost Doesn’t Count . . . and Neither Does This!” ( Part II )

Hopefully you read Part One posted earlier today. Please don’t get be mistaken by what I said though. Even though I encourage not telling men exactly what your “body count” is, you definitely need to keep track of the accurate number. Women should know when enough is enough and you’re teetering on the line between sexually liberated and just plain loose.

Here are some tips and helpful hints for you ladies who wish to alter your number, but aren’t quite sure how! There are some guidelines. You can’t just pick an arbitrary number, because some of them just don’t make sense.

• One Night Stands – this one may seem obvious, however not all one night stands can be eliminated. If it happened once, and you never spoke to them again, or you see him/her and always walk the other way avoiding eye contact, you don’t have to count it. [An exception to this rule is if you steadily have one night stands with people… you can’t eliminate them all!] BUT, if you’re friends with this person and you had sex with them… when you get into your next relationship, you have to tell your significant other that you’ve had sex with this “friend”.
• If you don’t remember it, you can’t count it!- I don’t mean the times you got super drunk and went home with someone (although some of you might want to exclude those times from your number as well). I’m talking about the time you just weren’t sure penetration occurred. If it started and finished before you had full knowledge of the interaction… it doesn’t count! LoL trust me this has happened to me more than once… it was just over before I even knew he’d begun… you better believe that those 2 encounters have been crossed off my list!
• All relationships count!- Even if you hate him now, if he was once considered the man in your life. You MUST count him. It doesn’t even make sense (for most adults in 2010) to have a lower sex count than relationship count. AND if you’re like me, and you always get stuck in the “talking to” stage for years at a time, all of those count too. I don’t think anyone would believe me if they knew I was seeing this guy for 1.5 years and we never got it in… if we weren’t having sex, I probably would’ve left! LoL
• Oral Sex/Hand Jobs/Toys (Manual)- If there was only tongue/hand action and especially if it wasn’t my hand or mouth, it doesn’t count. If the woman is the one doing the penetrating and he doesn’t penetrate her. . .It counts!! No matter how much he denies it. (LMAO!! This is CocktailJay’s input) Toys… that’s not real sex… LoL ß this entire bullet was meant for my amusement.
• Time- Honestly sometimes I just don’t count it if it was a really long time ago and I don’t care for the person. They don’t make it onto my public count. However, time isn’t an eliminator for everyone. Of course people like your “first” do count, and like I said already, your exes always count. But I’m not telling my current interest about that “one time, in high school. . .” ::band camp voice:: He just doesn’t need to know that.

Okay, I’m done for now. But PLEASE keep in mind that not all of these apply to my own life, and these are hypothetical situations! I don’t follow these rules to the T.  I haven’t even experienced all of these situations. I am just putting out my opinion (with a few embellishments & some humor). ALSO I think that in an actual relationship you should feel safe enough to divulge your actual number with your partner. I reserve my Public Count for people who are just being nosey and for men I’m just dating/flinging with. I guess any man I get into a relationship with better wait until we make it official to ask me the big question if he wants a definite answer!

P.S. – I got a few angry men contacting me today about Part One… maybe this will answer some of your questions, maybe it’ll make it worse… Please leave ALL concerns in the COMMENTS section. Do NOT Facebook me, google wave me, email my personal account, or Twitter me on my personal Twitter account (hit me up on @FrenchKissez is you must)!! It’s just a blog people.

“Almost Doesn’t Count . . . and Neither Does This!” ( Part I )

We all know that we live in a world full of double standards between men and women. Men are allowed– encouraged even, to embrace and explore their sexual prowess. And on the other hand, women are taught as little girls not to bring their milkshakes to every little boy’s yard. In fact, don’t even think about milkshakes! And if you happen to start making milkshakes, only VANILLA! LoL in other words, real ladies are supposed to be sexually meek and mildly mannered.

In this day and age when we are surrounded by sexual images everywhere from the innuendos in cartoons to booty poppin’ in videos & random hookups on reality tv, the “good-girl” expectations have become more and more unrealistic. I really believe these “rules” also lead to sexual frustration among women (and the men who want to do them) if they are to be followed. How do you explain to your man the reason he’s only getting missionary when he saw some chick in a movie the other day doing a headstand?? Mild-mannered women just can’t compete! Fact. If what he wants is a corkscrew and all he’s getting from his woman is a regular, he will find the “freak” to give it to him. I’m all for pulling out all the tricks to please someone I’m in a committed relationship with. However, it doesn’t make me any less of a lady… You gotta practice the tricks, and men are quicker to give up on or step outside of a relationship they aren’t sexually satisfied in. I’m not encouraging women to be loose with their sexual activities, but I’m not the type of person to call another woman a whore because she’s practicing her craft. So what is a woman to do?

I think it’s deplorable that men still call women who are 25 and older “rollers” just because they may know of one or maybe two men she’s slept with. Maybe her sleep number is at a 10. I don’t think that’s a whore. I think that’s a woman who may not have found exactly what she’s looking for yet. Things happen in every interaction with a man, maybe he used her, maybe things just didn’t work out between them. If her sleep number is at a 7, or a 10 shoot, even a 15 I don’t think she should be judged. When a man of the same age who has slept with 15 women is not branded with a bad reputation but applauded and encouraged to “keep going, don’t settle down, you’re too young!” Well if all of the 25-27 year old men are on number 15 and not ready to settle down, what are the young women supposed to be doing while waiting for him to finish sowing his oats? Act like we don’t experience the same urges? Let’s be realistic. These men aren’t sleeping with imaginary women, so why should they be considered hoes?

I refuse to be honest about the number of men I’ve slept with, and I encourage ALL women to alter their count as well. If it’s high, lower it, and if it’s low, raise it! It’s no one’s business anyway. Either way, you shall be judged and he probably won’t believe you. Plus, some encounters just DO NOT count!

This got a little long-winded, so I’m going to put up a separate post on how to edit your numbers. Which partners “legitimately” just don’t count, and which ones you cannot escape!

I didn’t JUST start this!!

I guess I’ve been on this failing at love shit my whole life! I’ve been doing A LOT of reminiscing in the past few weeks. I posted some REALLY old photos on FB (there’s more to come) and I’ve been going through an entire overflowing drawer full of letters and notes and diaries I’ve been saving dating back to the 3rd grade. I came across several HILARIOUS entries about boys I used to like and their rejection of me Smh… some of it actually hurt my feelings now at 25 just reading them back. Most of them are situations I don’t even remember happening with crushes I don’t remember having. However, I must admit that I was always a writer. In 3rd grade I was writing things I shouldn’t have even known about at that age and my vocabulary was pretty expansive for a nine year old(#ImJustSayin’). I was a smart child, but my mind seems to have always been on boys! I rarely wrote about anything else in my diaries. I was pretty carefree, so I guess my crushes were the only things causing me concern. Even back then I was living by my theme of today – “How To Never Get A Guy But Still Try”!

So here’s what I wrote one day in 6th grade. I laughed out loud reading it and had to call a few of the participants on the phone to remind them of it. Here goes!

The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent! (LoL)

January 7,1996

Dear Diary,

I asked Lenny to go out with me & he said he likes me, but he isn’t going out with anyone now. This boy Donovan who’s in eighth grade likes me, and I don’t like him but I’m going out with him partly because I feel sorry for him & partly to make Lenny jealous. Donovan is alright looking but he is fat. I still like Lenny but I want him to be jealous. My friends were so mad when Lenny said no to me my friend Silver called him a scrub & slapped him. Nate & his friends saw her slap him & they came over & they started saying ooh you let a white girl slap you. It was funny! I had to hold Silver back. I pushed her against the wall & she was still kicking, then he called her a trick & a hoe (my kind of man!)[<--no I did not just add that, I actually wrote it, LMAO]. She and Diana went to the principal’s office & he had to go to the office too. Diana & I had to go as witnesses. Lenny told the WHOLE story, me asking him out until him punching her in the stomach & then Silver took over from there. The whole situation was really embarrassing!

Meanwhile I have this problem with Donovan he is now my boyfriend. Donovan is in the eighth grade & I’m only in the sixth. Eighth grade and sixth grade don’t really see each other during the day and even though he lives up the block from me he takes the second bus and I take the first Webster Ave bus. I really don’t think this is going to work out. I would rather have Donovan as a friend than as a boyfriend, I’d rather it a whole lot more!

My cousin Melina and this boy Jose made me go out with Donovan. I really don’t know what I got myself into. Kay is so mad at me for going out with him. I hope this doesn’t turn out like my last relationship with Shawn [Shawn was my 1st "boyfriend" who broke up with me b/c of my lack of skills in kissing! ahahaha]. This week has been so very hectic. I wish that everything I wanted would go the way I wanted. Oh how I wish I could perform magic. My life is so confusing! It really is.

I’ll talk to you soon

Love,

Frenchie

The funny and ironic thing about this post is that even though it was written in 1996 and I’d forgotten all about it, this isn’t the first time “Lenny” has made it into FrenchKissez. . . 25 year old Lenny is as much of a character as 12 year old Lenny! (click here)

Feel free to leave your comments!

Vacation

Happy Holidays People!

My family truly has something to celebrate this year. My mother’s mother (my grandma) is turning 100 years old on the 19th of this month!! Luckily for all of us she lives in Montserrat (the Caribbean)… soooo the whole family is going down to visit and have a big party! I’ll back back with something new for you when I get back. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks getting ready for this trip.

God willing I’ll have something to tell you when I return! Until then, enjoy your holidays and be well!!

-Frenchie

“Say What??” – by CallMeKarrie

CallMeKarrie is BACK with another post!

When you are single and trying to mingle, there is never a dull moment.  While some “courting” practices (& I use that phrase very loosely because I’m not sure if most people still know what that is… it’s a lost art just like chivalry and lady-like sophistication but I digress) have become very common, every once in a while, I still encounter a guy that makes me say “did he really just say that?”

I haven’t been out on the scene much lately but I can always count on my friends for great material.  The story I’m about to tell you is so ridiculous, I couldn’t have made it up if I tried…

Last Wednesday, I helped one of my faves celebrate her birthday at Josephine’s.  I must admit, it usually takes wild horses to get me out of the house on a weeknight but I really am glad I decided to go not only because my friend was super surprised and we had a good time, but because I got to see the subject of this post with my own two eyes.  This particular clown (who henceforth shall be know as CB which is short for Clown Boy) had walked passed our table several times and near the end of the night finally got enough nerve to approach.  He walked over to my girl E and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  Very confident E replied “no, I don’t think you do” so CB replied “yes I do, I met you at Lux the other night.”  Knowing she hadn’t been to Lux or ever seen this dude a day in her life, E said “no, that def wasn’t me.”  At this point I decided to walk away because there is no sadder sight than a guy unsuccessfully trying to run game.

I walked slightly ahead of my friends as we exited Josephine’s and when I turned around I realized that CB was now rapping to my other friend J.  Not wanting to hear his tired game a second time, I got in my car and rode off.

A few days later, the girls and I gathered for happy hour.  After checking her messages, J exclaims “OMG, this guy is crazy!”  She was referring to none other than the infamous CB.  This is how J recalled the last few days of interactions with CB:

When we left the club, CB walked over to me and said “hey, don’t I know you?”  I told him no and he said that he met me the other night at the Wizards’ party at Lux (at this point I interject and said that this is the exact same line he pulled on E… now J knows that CB is even crazier than she thought).  I told him he had me mistaken and he replied “my man Gilbert Arenas introduced us, I would call him now but he’s busy.”  (Ha!  Boy, bye…)  The more I tell him he doesn’t know me, the more he keeps talking.  “I tried to get your attention when you first walked in Josephine’s.  I was out front in the Phantom.  I know you seen me, I was in a PHANTOM!… oh ok, you probably just don’t know what a Phantom is.”  (Oh no he didn’t!!!  lmao).

Anyways, because he mentioned buying a house, I gave CB my number (J’s a real estate agent) and got in my car.  From the time we left the club until a few hours later when I got up the next day, this fool called me five times!!!  (Sir, these are not business hours)  Of course I didn’t answer so the next day, this fool calls me from a different number.  Because I use my cell for business, I answered suspecting it may be a client but instead it’s CB pretending to be someone else.  (where they do that at???)  He’s like “hey J, this is ‘MIKE’… I just wanted to invite you to my birthday party.”  So, I ask this ‘MIKE’ knowing full well that it’s CB how he knows me and he says “I met you the other night at Park.”  (FAIL again J hasn’t been to Park lately)  I ask if he’s sure he didn’t meet me the other night at Josephine’s and this is his response:  “no, but I saw you there.  I wanted to come over and say hi but you were with that dude CB… naw, I don’t know CB like that but I hear he’s a cool dude.  If I had a sister, I would hook her up with him.  He got a Phantom.”

WTF & LOL!!!  Let’s suppose for a minute that CB is really friends with Gilbert Arenas and drives a Phantom (although I’m sure it’s all a fairy tale), is this what some guys consider game???  Mind you, I left out other details including his McMansion in Northern VA that he told my friend was off her radar, but I thought this was bad enough.  Smh.  Ok, I’m done.  I’ll let you be the judge.  Is this dude serious & did he really just say that???

They call me Karrie but I swear stories like this write themselves.  :-)

Eeek!

Miss me y’all??

LoL I dunno what’s going on with me. But I have a craaazzzyyyy case of writer’s block! Maybe I need a date or something. I’m going to think of something SOON though. Stick with me!

New Message – This texting thing has gone TOO FAR!

LMAO!

Hi everyone! How was your Thanksgiving break?? Mine went pretty well. I got to see my beautiful Godson who is getting soo big And I was able to spend time with a lot of my friends who I don’t get to see while living in Baltimore. Soooo, all in all, despite the minor “car accident” I got into with and IRATE man driving a blue camaro during the 7 hour trip back to Baltimore, it was a GREAT weekend!

While I was on the road back I spent a couple of HOURS on the phone with a close guy friend. He and his girlfriend recently broke up and I was asking about the hows and whys of it all. He told me that  one day she said there was something about him that turned her off, without being specific about what that “something” was. So he in turn told her, forget it, let’s just break up! I already knew that he was somewhat unhappy with the relationship that was still pretty new at the time. They’d only been together for about a month. I’m not sure how long they were dating before making it official. He’s in grad school, she’s working. Their schedules weren’t matching up. And neither of the two (in my outside opinion) seemed to be making much of an effort to make it work.

Of course no one wants to be a dumpee so she started to protest his resolution to what she said, saying they could work it out. I’m guessing his feelings/pride were slightly bruised that his girlfriend would say something like that to him. So he said “Eff it!”.

I was in total support of his decision to break up with her while he was telling me the story. I did, however, think he should’ve tried to figure out what it was that was making her uncomfortable in the relationship though. But if he’s happier by himself (he never was one for relationships), then he should be by himself. Then while ending the story telling me about their conversation, he says “yeah but this was all in text message so… blah blah blah”

I cut him off as soon as he said “text message”. TEXT MESSAGE?? Uhm… I know it’s almost 2010 and all, and we’re in the age of technology — unlimited texting, twitter, facebook, etc but my goodness! When did breaking up via text message become acceptable and proper?!? The whole time he was telling me the story I thought he meant they were using their voices and having an actual conversation. I think it’s disrespectful, cowardly and somewhat immature to end a relationship with a digital message. I know they weren’t together for long at all, but still… whatever happened to common courtesy??

I actually have been the “victim” of a text message breakup in the past. It was one of those “WTF-am-I-reading??” moments. Followed by my quick dialing and loud talking (read screaming & cursing) on the phone. How rude!

• Have any of you ever broken up with someone by means of text/email/twitter/facebook?? Why would someone choose one of those methods rather than a face to face or even a phone call?
• Have you ever been broken up with via text or internet?? What was your reaction??

Here’s the Twitter feedback: “Breaking up via text message. . . what do you all think??”

“Immature, especially for the 21 and older crowd! and impersonal..guess it wouldnt matter at the point of breakup tho”

“Cowardly”

“unacceptable and immature…yet very funny lol”

“lmao that’s tacky and shows a lack of respect for the other person and a lack of integrity for urself”

“Cowardice + 100% b!tch-move”

“if it’s you doing the breaking up it’s cool. But major issues via text is not a good look”